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Original poster

to be upset that partner texts female friend continually

194 replies

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 13:36

My partner of 9 months spends his free time texting his close friend.I cannot see anything sexual to be concerned about but their texts are filled with mutual declarations of respect, appreciation and love.They are very close and confide in eachother. He does not really message her when he is with me, only now and again.They work together every day so I cannot understand the need to be sharing memes and chats, deep and light chats, funny videos in the evenings and at weekends and during holidays. She is much older than him and is married so I am trying to figure out what is going on . He says its entirely platonic.Opinions ?Do any of you have any experience of this please?

OP posts:
strawberryredhead · 05/02/2019 20:21

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My dh has female friends. But I wouldn’t be happy about a friendship as intense as that. It seems like he’s thinking of her a lot. To text her when you’re in the middle of enjoying something together. And to give her so many compliments. I want my dh to save his best compliments for me. It sounds almost like an emotional affair. If I were you I’d tell him you’ve no problem with him having a female friend but you’re not comfortable with how close he is to this one.

strawberryredhead · 05/02/2019 20:25

I just saw the bit where he said he’d been thinking of her all weekend.
Just no.

MudCity · 05/02/2019 20:43

YANBU OP. This sounds like an infatuation except he doesn’t even realise it. I have male friends and my DH has female friends but texting at this frequency and intensity is not something I would tolerate. It sounds really damaging.

Don’t accept this....you deserve better.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 06/02/2019 10:09

We spoke about this last evening. I told him that I was uncomfortable with the amount of messaging and he accused me of snooping. I explained that the messages popped up and were there on his screen so it was easy to see them when his phone was on the table etc. He said he simply admires her and he loves her as much as his sisters and that they are friends for years. He said that he has no romantic interest in her but that they are very close and he sees that she is attractive and has a presence!!! I asked him to pull back a little and he was annoyed with me . He said that they have a huge bond and confide in eachother and that he tells her personal things that he does not tell anyone else. I feel shit now. I still feel like I am second best as we do not have the contact that they have in and out of the office. Would you believe him. I’m confused now

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/02/2019 10:29

You said yourself earlier up thread the relationship isn't that great.

Why are you persisting? He doesn't make you feel good - it's that simple.

Parthenope · 06/02/2019 10:31

Honestly, OP, I think his friendship with this colleague is a red herring. The relationship is not progressing as you want it to you want more time together than he wants, you don't feel prioritised the way you feel you should be after nine months, you're generally not happy. Whether or not his feelings for his friend are entirely platonic seems irrelevant to me this relationship simply isn't working for you.

SauvignonMum · 06/02/2019 10:32

Maybe he's not actually lying, in that it's just that he doesn't actually realise himself that he's infatuated with her.
Those messages are nothing like the bond between a brother and a sister.

I couldn't put up with it, but especially the fact that he's dismissive of your feelings

AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 10:33

It depends what you're prepared to settle for really isn't it? It wouldn't be for me personally, I'd say good luck and have a nice life and I would find someone who doesn't do things that make me uncomfortable, suspicious and 2nd best. You're only 9 months in so I'd cut my losses now before you have a house and kids with him and things could get messy

lmusic87 · 06/02/2019 10:34

How do you feel about it, since that talk?

AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 10:35

Those messages are nothing like the bond between a brother and a sister

Yeah they're really not, who messages their siblings all day long telling them how wonderful they are? I mean I get on great with mine and all but come on

Blackbear10 · 06/02/2019 10:43

If he wouldn't speak to his male friends the same way he does to this woman then clearly it’s more than a friendship, at least for him anyway.

Would he tell his close make friends that he loves them or that they are attractive and have a presence? Would he tell them he’s been thinking about them all weekend?

If you base his behaviour on how he would behave had it been a male friend then you can quite clearly see he is overstepping friendship maybe ask him if he would behave this way to a male best mate and if he says no ask him why.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 06/02/2019 10:45

He was convincing. Seemed shocked that I would think like that. What upset me also was that he said he loved her as much as his sisters not LIKE a sister. Perhaps I am clutching at straws though.its just a habit he said. Something that developed over time. I came away thinking that he thought I was controlling or jealous. I feel shit .she is a massive part of his life he said

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 10:54

thetenthofaugust I'd love to know what her husband thinks about it or if he knows the sort of stuff your DP says to her.

What do you think you will do?

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 06/02/2019 11:01

I feel underconfident about our relationship. He tells me he loves me, we have a holiday booked.yet he will only see me for a few hours over every weekend if he has no other plans even though I liveminites away from him. He says that I also text family and friends when we are together but I never text to the extent that he does in either content or quantity . My messages certainly do not gush over female and male friends like his do . As a man, he is very open and talkative and in touch with his emotions and I am not used to this. However his words and actions do not always match up

OP posts:
Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 06/02/2019 11:03

He says her husband and children are lovely but she does not confide in him about her marriage but he thinks the marriage is not that good . The messages I have seen from her are all about her husband and children so I don’t understand that .

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 11:06

Honestly even taking the friend out of the equation it doesn't sound like what most people would be expecting from a relationship, especially after only 9 months when you two should be all over eachother but only you can make that choice. My only advice is to put a bit of worth on yourself or you're setting your self up for a life of settling for whatever he's prepared to give

Absofuckinglutely · 06/02/2019 11:18

Sack that op, get rid.

There's no sense in feeling second best in a relationship, and that's how it is.
If pushed, seems like he would ditch you before her, and that's all you need to know imho.

Your relationship sounds pretty poor after 9 months, he's closer to her than he is to you.
I'd get out now while the going is good and leave him to his strange obsession.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2019 11:22

I am sorry op, but he doesn't sound very into you, he needs space, and communicates with her all the time, bet he doesn't need space from her. I would reassess the relationship.

Flamingosnbears · 06/02/2019 11:23

While your only 9 months in you can walk away if it bothers you that much and he's not going to stop by the sounds of it...

AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 11:24

He says her husband and children are lovely but she does not confide in him about her marriage but he thinks the marriage is not that good . The messages I have seen from her are all about her husband and children so I don’t understand that

oh he sounds kind of stalkerish :/ I wonder does this other woman really want him to be messaging her all the time at all? Could be that she just doesn't want to rock the boat at work by telling him to fuck off

SauvignonMum · 06/02/2019 11:36

I agree with AryaStarkWolf. He sounds very deluded

PlinkPlink · 06/02/2019 11:41

Without addressing the other woman he texts, let's discuss some of your posts.

Several times you have said I think he likes me

At 9 months, you should be totally fawning over each other. He should be telling you how much he admires you, loves you, thinks you're beautiful, can't wait to go on adventures with you, can't wait to see you.
You should be meeting up once or twice in the week and getting together for the weekends. Staying together for a whole weekend.

You should feel like he can't get enough of you and you can't get enough of him.

Ask yourself, is this how you feel? Because if not (and I suspect that is the case) this is not a happy relationship.

I think most women would find it difficult if he was sending those fawning messages to someone else and not to them. It certainly implies that he does not like you as much and does not respect you as much.

Even if he's not having an affair as such, I would feel very uncomfortable and unhappy that there was another woman in his life that was clearly more important to him. No one should ever drop their friends but the language used with certain people should be different.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 06/02/2019 11:58

Yes I see him once orteiceaweekintheevening sndi stay overnight . He is busy at weekends usually it I still see him for an evening and overnight and a morning.imay see him for a small amount of time on Sunday before we get ready for the week ahead. We have had one night away since we met. We rarely socialise at night together . A dinner or a lunch out here andthere but mainly sitting n his house watching Netflix with his house mates . Sometimes a walk or a drive in the countryside.he rarely stays at my home as I flatshare and his Family home is near so he prefers to stay with his family .for the most part, he is it on his phone but when he is it is to her .

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 06/02/2019 12:08

I would consider how much you value being in a relationship with him.

Fiddie · 06/02/2019 12:40

The minute she gives him the nod he'll ditch you.

Move on