Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that partner texts female friend continually

194 replies

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 13:36

My partner of 9 months spends his free time texting his close friend.I cannot see anything sexual to be concerned about but their texts are filled with mutual declarations of respect, appreciation and love.They are very close and confide in eachother. He does not really message her when he is with me, only now and again.They work together every day so I cannot understand the need to be sharing memes and chats, deep and light chats, funny videos in the evenings and at weekends and during holidays. She is much older than him and is married so I am trying to figure out what is going on . He says its entirely platonic.Opinions ?Do any of you have any experience of this please?

OP posts:
Mushroomsarehorrible · 06/02/2019 13:04

Crunchymum

He isn't your partner after 9 months? Surely?

Why ever not? I was married after 6 months of being together. He was definitely my 'partner' after 9 months Hmm

AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 13:46

people are right sticklers on the terminology of "partner" Boyfriend just sounds very juvenile I think coming from an adult

Vehivle · 06/02/2019 14:01

I'd end it OP. He doesn't value you, and if he likes her so much he can have her. Do you want to be dealing with this in marriage? Dump him over this and hopefully he will see his warped relationship for what it is.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 06/02/2019 14:09

Do you really still believer that’s he fancies her after his explanations? I’m ready to finish this unless I’m absolutely convinced otherwise. He is the first solid stable man I’ve been in a relationship with in years . This is the only issue as it has been progressing even if it has been terribly slow

OP posts:
Hanab · 06/02/2019 14:16

Dear OP,

It’s time to do what the previous girlfriend did & move on. He obviously values her way more than he ever does you. Just from reading how little time he spends with you living only minutes away ( I stand to be corrected) it’s a clear indication that you are an after thought. Your relationship is not even a year along and he does not want to spend time with you raises my eyebrow 🙈 you guys are suppose to be in the so called honeymoon stage ( the place where you can’t get enough of each other).
As previous posters have said, if she just gives him the green light he will be gone in a blink of an eye.
He should be spending all that time calling & texting YOU!
Telling YOU that YOU have been on his mind!

Best wishes always OP no matter what choice you make🌷

SaucyJack · 06/02/2019 14:29

“Do you really still believer that’s he fancies her after his explanations?”

Yes, mate. I do. I think he more than fancies her tbh. He sounds a bit creepy.

And I think the only thing that’s stopping him from leaving you for her this second is that she doesn’t want him.

Dump him, and spend some time working on yourself so that you get to the point where you don’t feel that a relationship with a man who clearly isn’t into you is better than nothing at all.

Take care xx

ScrambledSmegs · 06/02/2019 14:33

It reads like he's infatuated with her. You can't have a proper relationship with someone who's infatuated with someone else.

You can do better, OP. Someone who actually wants to be with you more than anybody else, for starters.

magoria · 06/02/2019 15:28

Life is too short to waste your time on a man who tells you to your face how amazing and perfect another woman is.

He should feel that way about you. Not piss all over you by telling you she is all that.

SilverySurfer · 06/02/2019 15:58

Does he tell you he loves, values and respects you? I'm guessing not. The bottom line is if he had to choose between you and her, he will pick her. Is that what you are willing to accept from your relationship? You shouldn't. Give him the boot, raise your bar higher and find someone who puts you first.

Good luck.

BlancheM · 06/02/2019 16:28

He sounds like a love-drunk teen making a fool of himself over a crush.
I wonder how comfortable this friend actually is with all his praise and gushing over her. It seems very one-sided and she seems keen not to 'let him in' on her personal life. Poor woman has to work with him.
Ditch him and find you a man who looks at you the way this one looks at his phone.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 16:30

find you a man who looks at you the way this one looks at his phone

Grin
Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2019 16:32

Op re read your posts, he is not into you, and he has checked out ages ago. You don't see each other as often as he needs his space, but sees her everyday. Tells her he lives her etc. Does he tell you those things or make you feel special.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2019 16:36

I agree, the moment she says yes, he will dump you as fast as you know it.

Handprints2018 · 06/02/2019 21:58

He wants her. Im sorry OP but you are his 'settle woman' and you deserve better. He sounds far more into her then she is him.but if ever that changed...i wouldnt bet on him staying faithful.

Senioritafamiglia · 07/02/2019 08:04

Good lord op get a grip.

You are in the early stages of a relationship with a man who barely shows you interest,let alone love, affection, romance, conversation, emotional connectedness.

And yet you keep going! Why?

I would have a good think about what you want out of life, what you want from relationship's, and what you can offer.

Persist in making yourself miserable at your own peril.

lalaroo · 07/02/2019 09:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lmusic87 · 07/02/2019 09:26

I wonder how his colleague feels about it, I expect she sees him as a work friend.

badirene · 07/02/2019 09:36

Op he is so emotionally invested in this co-worker that he has no room for you in his life, sorry but that is what it boils down too.

He speaks to her everyday, lunch together everyday but needs "space" from you? At nine months in?

He "confides" in this woman and thinks she is the bees knees but she never speaks of her personal life to him, she speaks only of her husband and kids in these messages yet your bf thinks it is a "bad" marriage. He is not seeing the truth here at all, she is trying to placate him so as not to blow up shit at the workplace.

I am sorry to say that the place you have in his life is to fill the gaps that she will not, a sex life and the odd date that is convenient to him.

Truthfully if you were busy would he alter his plans to see you, would he meet at a time and place that is easy for you or does he just leave it until it suits him? OP you deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 07/02/2019 10:42

Thanks for replying . I have a lot of free time so I tend to work around his plans. I have not yet been unable to meet him when it suits him. He can sometimes try to change plans last minute but that annoys me andire him so . His friendship he said, has developed over the years . He thinks that she is not happily married because of the feeling he gets from talking to her . He said that the friendship cooled a little as she felt that it was too intense . He did not like this but understood how she felt . I am happy that he is open about it all and I think that he is beginning to see how hurtful it is to me . He has not sent her a message in two days,I hope, because of my hurt feelings. When I explainedthat amiddle agedmarried woman with two kids would not usually blow her life apart for a single man , years younger than her , unlessshe was hopelessly in love with him , he agreed but said he didn’t feel romantically towards her and she didn’t feel like that about him .it is platonic .I feel like I’m being fed a line. He has promised me more time and less
Contact with herbutireally dontbelieve it. It shouldn’t be this hard .

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2019 11:43

He sounds infatuated with he really, his heart is not with yiu, if you have to tell him to spend more time with yiu over another woman and yiur having difficulties this early in your relationship, when it should be the lovey dovy stage of your relationship where you both should want to spend time together. Then it's time to call it a day. He lives very near you too, yiu have to work round when he feels like seeing you, noway!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2019 11:47

He sounds obsessive towards her, it probably makes the friend feel uncomfortable, because she doesent feel the same way. She's had to tell him to back off. Red flags flying here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2019 11:48

You’re right. It shouldn’t be this hard!

Honestly, he shouldn’t stop messaging her so much because of your hurt feelings but because he’s in a romantic relationship with you and you’re his focus and his future.

You deserve to be with someone who worships the ground you walk on and for some reason you’re settling for someone for whom you’re just an option. I want to hug you but also give you a good hard shake.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 07/02/2019 14:30

I just dont understand him. He is very excited about bringing me for dinner for Valentine’s Day and then we have a family wedding... his cousin, a few weeks later .. he is looking forward to me meeting everyone but yet the majority of posters here believe that he is besotted with his friend . He is genuinely excited and talking alot about it ! Am I the fill in girlfriend then? This whole thread has made me see how available I am and willing to allow him to set the pace . I would see him every day if I could. I’m anxious to settle down and have children and so is he! Not with me it seems but why keep me hanging on. We are both early thirties . Is there any hope

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2019 14:52

He probably wants to do those things with her. Just move on, I think you sound like you cos be arm candy, or a stop gap until something better comes along.

WickedWitchInTheCupboard · 07/02/2019 16:12

Why aren't you his priority though?

If my DH was texting another woman so often and so inappropriately that I felt uncomfortable and had to bring it up with him, there is no way in hell he wouldn't stop or cut down on the contact. Because I'm what's most important to him and likewise with him for me.

As others have said, I think he's with you because he can't be with her. Not to say he doesn't care about you, or that you don't get along just fine, I'm sure he does and you do but honestly I'm not confident at all that he wouldn't go running to her if she allowed it.

It's far too overly friendly and invested for my liking. Texting a woman and telling her how cherished and loved and attractive she is.. it's so outside the realms of appropriate. I wonder what her husband thinks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread