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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that partner texts female friend continually

194 replies

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 13:36

My partner of 9 months spends his free time texting his close friend.I cannot see anything sexual to be concerned about but their texts are filled with mutual declarations of respect, appreciation and love.They are very close and confide in eachother. He does not really message her when he is with me, only now and again.They work together every day so I cannot understand the need to be sharing memes and chats, deep and light chats, funny videos in the evenings and at weekends and during holidays. She is much older than him and is married so I am trying to figure out what is going on . He says its entirely platonic.Opinions ?Do any of you have any experience of this please?

OP posts:
cheesemongery · 04/02/2019 15:27

Having been in a similar situation I don't see a future for the pair of you. You can't ask him to stop, I mean you can by all means and he might, but it will not end well - to me it just happened behind my back instead - still nothing sexual just friends, but it was the constant lies that got to me.

I couldn't be with someone if they had the best laughs and chats ever with somebody else. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is thinking of another person on our own personal holiday.

I'd get out now especially if it's not great after 9 months.

SaucyJack · 04/02/2019 15:28

I think he fancies her, and always has.

And sorry to be blunt- but if he doesn’t prefer his real girlfriend to his fantasy crush after 9 months, then he’s never going to.

Walk away from this before it completely grinds you down.

Birdie6 · 04/02/2019 15:30

My ex used to do that. He'd say " Oh but we're just friends" , yeah but when you spend a lot of time texting someone else, you're not spending any quality time with your partner. That's what used to upset me and I know why it upsets you. He's not ":with" you even when he is with you. I'd move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you , not half-way with someone else all the time.

Thurmanmurman · 04/02/2019 15:37

OP this is not normal. Call me jealous or unreasonable but it's not normal behaviour and if my DH did this I would end the relationship (after 13 years, let alone 9 months). IMO your partner should be telling you how amazing you are, not saying it to another woman. It very much sounds like he is in love with her (and a bit of a fawning creep to be honest).

Travisandthemonkey · 04/02/2019 15:45

After 9 months his texts to her as a friend should be at least sometimes filled with him going on about you. Because that’s what happens, even if it’s annoying. Because when people are newly in love. They are annoying to their friends about their new partner.
Also after 9 months why are you looking at his messages.

This all sounds like it’s a highway to nowhere

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 15:48

She is Years okder than him and when they text she will mention her husband and children and he will sometimes mention my name if he plans to see me that day . There is no text or message that gives me the feeleing that there is anything physical but there is a lot of ego boosting especially from him to her . We have plans to go on holidays together and when we are together is is attentive mostly but this regular contact is setting off my senses that he is not entirely invested in our relationship . Why would he want all this contact? I know he confides in her . They are like best friends but as a poster said, he fawns over her . Is it possible that he thinks she is wonderful but doesn’t fancy her ? When he sees me glaring at him when he is in his phone and smiling or laughing, he swiftly puts it into his pocket .

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2019 15:50

He is not that into you. He’s in love with her quite clearly. It doesn’t appear to be reciprocated but I guarantee if she gave him any indication she was keen he’d be there like a shot.

Put this non-starter to bed and move on. Otherwise you’ll never find someone who loves just you and no one else.

SinkGirl · 04/02/2019 15:52

Yes, he’s in love with her. The only reason they’re not together is because she doesn’t want to be.

lmusic87 · 04/02/2019 15:55

I would discuss this with him as soon as you can OP

Sparklesocks · 04/02/2019 16:26

I love that my DP has female mates but they talk/message things like memes or jokes from their office, or thoughts on a TV show they both watch. He doesn’t bestow endless compliments and affection on them, and I would be very uncomfortable by it if he did. I also find it very disrespectful to message her things like ‘you’d love this place’ while you are away together as a couple – it implies he is thinking of her, not you, and not enjoying that moment with you because his mind is on somebody else.
It might be worth talking to him about it and letting him know how it makes you feel, his reaction will say a lot. But I’d find this a problem, yes. It’s not about jealousy, it’s about respect for your partner and not crossing the boundaries of friendship.

Parthenope · 04/02/2019 16:42

Why would he want all this contact?

Because they're close friends and have been for years, and, in the nicest possible way, you've only been in his life for a few months and you say yourself the relationship isn't going that well?

Osirus · 04/02/2019 16:56

This would seriously concern me. It’s not normal and I would say if she was single, or she was willing, he’d be with her in a second.

After 9 months, I think I’d have to let him go to save my sanity.

Have you met her?

Bestseller · 04/02/2019 17:04

It doesn't sound great but presumably she was there first? So, your choices are to accept it, maybe try and be her friend too or to decide this relationship isn't for you.

You can't tell him who to be friends with or what for. You that friendship should take. How receptive they are to "allowing" you into their friendship will be telling.

It would be different if this were a new friendship during your relationship

BeanTownNancy · 04/02/2019 17:04

If the same behaviour with a man would make you just as uncomfortable then I think it's a fair point; if your objection is just because she's a woman then I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

(my husband is sometimes like this with his male besties from work. Hmm)

Legumewaffle · 04/02/2019 17:04

I have a very close male friend that I've known for a long time. We message each other having 'deep' conversations, because we've always been each other's confidant. We grew up together. But I have absolutely no sexual feelings for him.

Normally I'd say don't worry but what your partner is saying is a bit full on.
Saying that he loves her is totally inappropriate!

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 17:07

I would leave him to it. Let him carry on with his sycophantic messages and go and live your own life away from him.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 17:11

I have not met her . I know that she is 12 years older then him and is married with two kids . I could not imagine a situation where he would be texting a male friend telling him that he loved him and valued him and respected him so much. I know that in the past.. before he met me that he did find her attractive and told her so . Her response was a thank you . They are in an office for eight hours a day and have lunch together every day . That is surely enough contact! I have very close friends ... both sexes and I would not speak to them every week not to mind all day, every day . He lights up when he speaks of her ,or retelling a story about the day that she was involved in. The more I wrote, the weirder it sounds . He is attentive when he is with me but that is rare ... once or twice a week despite living near eachother

OP posts:
Legumewaffle · 04/02/2019 17:14

FWIW I've messaged him 'you'd love this' before, because he would have! It's nothing sexual or favouritism, he's my friend. But I've sent exactly the same text to my female best friend too (probably at the same time because we all have similar interests).

But, if what he's sending would be innapropriate to a male friend, then I think that's probably the line?!

OutPinked · 04/02/2019 17:14

Does anyone actually talk to their friends like this? I will tell my friends if they look great, compliment their hair style etc but I won’t go as far as telling them I respect and cherish them Confused. It’s so corny and twee.

I wouldn’t be impressed with it OP, it certainly does sound suspicious to me.

newnameforthis7 · 04/02/2019 17:37

@thetenthofaugust

I would not like this either. And yes of COURSE someone is a 'partner' after being with them for 9 months! Some people on here claim to have been living with their man, and got married in that time!

However, if a man is THIS close to a female friend, I would suggest that he is not as serious about the relationship as the OP is. I also agree that the man in question secretly fancies the female friend in question.

It's also raising red flags (IMO) that the OP has never met this female friend. It's highly suspicious when a man in a relationship/married man, has a close female friend that his partner doesn't know. Why IS that? If you are in a serious relationship/married, why does your partner not know your friends?

Some people on here say everyone should be allowed friends of the opposite sex, and they should be allowed to socialise with them (alone) etc etc, even when in a serious relationship with someone else. But the fact is that NO-ONE will be OK with that long-term.

Indeed, the dynamics of virtually EVERY male/female friendship changes when one of them enters into a serious relationship with someone.

It has to really. If you genuinely love and care for your spouse, you will always put them before anyone else... If a woman is married, she is NOT going to be second to their husband's female friend forevermore. When you're married, your wife comes before any other woman - ALWAYS. If you can't adhere to that you shouldn't be married.

Tututuna · 04/02/2019 17:42

God, it's so predictable here sometimes. There's always a poster scorning the OP for daring to call someone their partner because they have been together less than 50 years Hmm

Anyway, I wouldn't be comfortable with this OP. There's talking to your mates and then there's this... Honestly? It really sounds like he's harbouring feelings for her. I'm all for women and men being able to have platonic friendships but this goes way outside that for me. I wouldn't even talk to my female friends like that (unless I'd had too many wines on a night out and I'm telling them how much I love them for holding my hair back maybe).

I have a male friend I text sometimes and occasionally have lunch with at work. I would never dream of messaging him to tell him how much I love, adore, cherish him etc... It's bizarre and I doubt very much his wife would be impressed if I did!

I do of course respect and appreciate our friendship and him as a person, but your boyfriend sounds obsessed with this woman.

lavalampoon · 04/02/2019 17:44

I think it's excessive and it would bother me.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 17:45

He does sometimes put away his phone when he is with me . Looking at the conversations, it is nearly always him that initiates conversation s with his friend. I think there are not as many messages as before he met me ... but they are still daily and several of them . I wonder if he has her on a pedestal rather than being physically attracted to her ? He thinks she is the best thing ever 🙄

OP posts:
Thurmanmurman · 04/02/2019 17:57

OP I don’t want to sound harsh or upset you but you are second best. He’s with you because he can’t have her and like other posters have said he would be with her if he could. Don’t settle for second best, you deserve more. Better to be on your own than constantly worrying and feeling like shit.

Tututuna · 04/02/2019 17:57

OP, I love my friends male and female. I appreciate my friendships with each and every one of them.

But my DH is the 'best thing ever' to me. Always has been, always will be. Even at 9 months. There's not a chance id be spending my time fawning over another bloke and making my DH feel like you do.

Please find someone who thinks you're his best thing ever.