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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

199 replies

dinkydolphin · 03/02/2019 16:29

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
dinkydolphin · 03/02/2019 16:33

Aplogies this was in paragraphs on my phone...

OP posts:
Troels · 03/02/2019 16:34

You have no other choice, she is going cause a fire or explosion and could easily kill herself and take out the house and the neighbours too. She needs to live where someone is around 24 hours a day. Sad but true.

Deadringer · 03/02/2019 16:35

Can she use the money from the sale of her house to have a carer with her during the day?

BreastSideStory · 03/02/2019 16:35

Could you not get her some support at home? Carers that come in and check on her whilst you’re not there?

GertrudeCB · 03/02/2019 16:36

What home? How did you find one with places that was suitable for her needs so quickly? Does she have an adult social worker? How is it being funded ?

Cuttingthegrass · 03/02/2019 16:36

Speak with dementia organisations - try your local hospital for contact numbers. Do you have an Admiral Nurse service in your area? Call your local NHS CCG to ask. These organisations have amazing insight and suggestions, and assistive technology ideas that could help.

CanILeavenowplease · 03/02/2019 16:36

It sounds like dementia. You are not unreasonable to put her in a home because unfortunately, dementia suffered often require 24/7 supervision which few families can manage. You do need to get her checked out, medication sorted and ensure she is in the right kind of home for her care needs. Do you have POA?

Jackshouse · 03/02/2019 16:36

Has been to the GP about her memory loss?

Confusedbeetle · 03/02/2019 16:37

Always a difficult one. Did the sister not call and check? There may be ways you can keep her at home by having day carers call in several times a day and perhaps some way to switch off the gas when she is alone. This would be cheaper than nursing home rates. Look into your options and only put her in a home as a last resort. She will go down fast once she is in a home. You may be able to do respite times in a home, for example, if you are on holiday or away for a weekend. Am sure the gas thing can be organised

QuestionableMouse · 03/02/2019 16:38

It's a bit drastic. How about a live in career? (Assuming you have room/can afford it

Also when we had to Anke the choice for my Auntie, it wasn't so simple as booking a place and dropping her off. We visited quite a few (5+) until we found one were were all comfortable with and iirc it took a couple of weeks to get the paperwork settled and get her moved in.

Original poster
dinkydolphin · 03/02/2019 16:38

She has went into a local home twice before when we were on holidays for longer periods of time which extended over weekends and I wasn't comfortable leaving her alone. They currently have spaces available.

The home is paid for with her own savings from the sale of her house.

The carer would do the same time as my grandmother's sister (an hour a day) and it's somebody she is comfortable with so, I don't think it would help.

OP posts:
LoreleiLee1 · 03/02/2019 16:38

Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

Alternatively, you could try to help her live independently in the bosom of her family, and arrange careers to come in daily, every day. Or, god forbid, put your own excursions on hold and put a elderly lady who has given much of herself to you, your family and this country and put the needs of this elder lady first.

yoyo1234 · 03/02/2019 16:39

You need to think of her safety, your safety, neighbours' safety.

GertrudeCB · 03/02/2019 16:41

Is a social worker involved?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/02/2019 16:41

I don't think that's entirely fair @LoreleiLee1 - she could have killed herself, OP and her neighbours with that much gas in the house and op has clearly had a fright.

That said op, I think you maybe need to take a pause and get a social worker involved. If there is money, you could for example employ your own career, almost like a granny nanny. There might be a way to put a lock on the gas (or indeed the kitchen door?).

Confusedbeetle · 03/02/2019 16:42

LoreleiLee you are being very judgmental.

KillerSpider · 03/02/2019 16:42

How about a dementia day care Centre? I work near one that opens 10-3 Mon-Fri.

WonderfullySunny · 03/02/2019 16:42

As a PP mentioned you can normally turn off the gas at the main safety valve pretty easily before you leave. Day carer popping in could then check on her throughout the day so she has the benefit of staying with you and you have the peace of mind knowing she's being checked in on. I can understand the reaction but for your own sake as well as hers take a deep breath and step away from the rushed decision, it's a big one that will impact you and her for a long while to come.

Foodylicious · 03/02/2019 16:43

Has she seen gp and been referred to memory clinic for assessment?
She needs bloods too to rule out physical and possible reversible causes.

I think another period of respite sounds sensible whilst you pursue this.

What does she think about it all?

LoreleiLee1 · 03/02/2019 16:43

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett agreed. So why did OP leave her unattended for so long?

Drum2018 · 03/02/2019 16:43

Are you the only relative? Have you siblings? How has this decision been left to you? I agree she cannot be left on her own at all, not even for an hour. Paying carers to come in and mind her may not be suitable for you as it is quite intrusive and I wouldn't like it. Could her sister take her to live with her? I gather you just didn't think of the nursing home in the last few days and that you have discussed it prior to this last highly dangerous incident. Bottom line is, she cannot be left in your house and if there is nobody else to sit with her or care for her in their house then you don't really have a choice.

Cafetiere · 03/02/2019 16:43

I don’t think making the OP feel guilty is fair at all she’s already done more than most would and had her gm living with her for next to nothing for a while
OP I think it is the right decision you can visit her lots and you’ll know she is safe x

EerieSilence · 03/02/2019 16:44

@LoreleiLee1 , you're an idiot.
Not sure which universe you live in. Probably one where people don't need any jobs, no bills have to be paid etc.
OP can't put her life on hold. A person with dementia can live for ten or twenty years, their mind slowly deteriorating but their body still going on. Are they supposed to forget their lives for the next ten or more years to try taking care full time for a person who soon won't even recognise them? A home is certainly a better option. And safer for everybody.

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 16:47

Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

That’s unfair and unhelpful. My mil was doing similar stuff and was frankly a danger to herself. Her decline was rapid, as it generally is with vascular dementia. Working full time means that we had no way of ensuring she was safe, despite her carer coming in three times a day. In a home, she will receive specialist care and will be safe. My mil was dead set against going into a home but she is completely unaware of her situation.

Ballbags · 03/02/2019 16:48

There is lots you can do for home safety. Flood detectors in bathroom/kitchen if taps left own. Gas detectors too. Sensors on the door if she leaves house between a certain time. All these connect to a monitoring centre who alert you/emergency services if needed. Contact your local council Adult Social team about 'telecare', if she won't get funding lots of private companies offer it.

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