Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

[dinkydolphin]

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

As others have said, there are safety measures which can be taken such as gas and water shut off switches which are either timer based (showers) or sensitive to when an appliance (cookers for example) have been left on accidentally. According to the Alzheimer's Society, if you call the utility companies and ask to speak to the Safety Officer (and tell them you are caring for someone with dementia) they will visit you as a priority - might be more responsive to the immediate issues than social services are able to be. Link here: www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/staying-independent/fire-risk-cooking-kitchens

Food is sorted then. If she doesn't need to cook and you don't think she is safe I would be tempted to isolate the cooker (with the switch) and put socket cover on socket for microwave. However without assessing her I can't say for sure. Often with people with dementia they are able to function very well in a familiar environment.

Just make sure there are lots of foods that she can nibble on during the day in case she gets peckish. yoghurts, bread, biscuits. People with dementia often forget they have eaten, so can eat a lot!

What if she doesn't want to be told to eat cereal, but wants a cooked breakfast like many people grew up with?

If she does, that means no matter how many times she's given instructions that she's probably forgotten, she's going to want a cooked breakfast.

@OrgyofSausages she should be treated as a child in this context as she was not safe left alone. Don't call me a twat. You say more about yourself than you do me when you name call. Op does not at present have the freedoms she desires while her Nan lives there. Either op is more present of the nan has to go into a home. That's the reality.

www.sgn.co.uk/Safety/Locking-Cooker-Valve/
you can use this this for cooker. its free.

www.amazon.co.uk/Socketsafe-Lockable-Electric-Socket-Protector/dp/B00BOSWP8C?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=978e5698-a8c1-5a52-8e3e-692194298886&pf_rd_r=AGJCM0Q1B7WWJRAKYTFD&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-6&pf_rd_t=101&ref_=Oct_RAsinC_Ajax_60572031_1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=60572031

socket covers

@pascoe does the CCTV stop her from leaving all the knobs on the gas cooker on?

Plus - if I was going to make up a post I could make it a lot more entertaining that this.

So you found a home that was able to asses her, complete a financial assessment and deemed whether she has capacity and you can just decide to place her there against her wishes
And all that in the space of a few hours
Waw that’s impressive

Sorry just read that she has dementia, I have worked with people at the severe end of dementia, not every one gets there. There is medication that she can take that could help slow it down, she cannot be left on her own though so other than having a carer with her during your working hours I can’t see that you have any other choice. The good thing is that she will be with people in her own age group and I have worked in care homes and the women do tend to socialise together. It sounds miles better than being at home all day on her own.

LoreleiLee1 that's not the reality. Plenty of people can continue to work whilst caring for a family member with dementia. See my posts about alternatives

@hobnob she's been there twice before and had the full assessment so, yes. It's as simple as asking if a place is available, taking a day off work and scheduling it in.

This process can take weeks and the whole issue regarding whether the person has capacity, DOLS assessments etc can take an age
Must be an amazing home that can turn this around so quickly and has spaces

How long ago was she assessed for dementia and by whom when you were told she was completely fine?

Clearly she has been getting worse over the last year - dementia is a progressive disease.

Just because she was fine on assessments a year ago doesn't mean she wouldn't get a diagnosis now. And carer impact is a big part of the diagnosis. It's quite normal for the sufferer themselves not to think they have a problem.

How difficult for you all. Unless you can afford to have full time carers with her it does sound like you have no other option.

It is possible to get someone a home that quickly, with did it with MIL. She was being discharged from hospital and couldn't go home, we couldn't move in with her and she couldn't live with us so DH visited a couple of homes and chose the one he was most comfortable with. The idea was it was respite care but she didn't go home again.

OP, I think some of the responses have been harsh. You moved your grandmother in with the best of intensions but I doubt you expected this. Booking her into a home, possibly for respite care to start with, will give you a chance to reassess the situation, decide whether you can continue to care for her and, if so, what needs to be put in place.

Good luck

@hobnobs well yes. The preparation for her TWO PREVIOUS STAYS was great in getting everything sorted.

@carr1e1977 Thankyou for the links. I personally know already as cared for my elderly mother in law when she broke her hip and life changed for her. She moved in with us. All our lives changed.

Before putting her in a home, which in my opinion should only ever be an absolute last resort, due to the fact that most elderly people go down hill fast once they are removed from their own environment. You should try getting her a package of care. You could pay privately with the money from the sale of her house and could effectively have someone with her all the time whilst you're at work. Or at the very least coming in to help with meals three times a day.

You know someone's looking after her, she doesn't have to go into a home. Win win.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

There are other options before resorting to a home although since you’ve already booked her in, it sounds as though you’ve made up your mind.

She could buy a flat in a warden assisted place that has other people for her to socialise with, where you and her sister can continue to visit. She could spend her savings on carers who visit whenever you are out. Her GP can prescribe medication that might help. There are daytime respite care places. Lots of other options.

Do you have Power of Attorney? Does your Grandmother have capacity? Has her capacity been formally assessed & documented?

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/care-homes-who-decides-when

Useful link

I hope you got the neighbours to evacuate as well for a few hours whilst you opened all the windows and doors to clear the gas!

She's not fine, and fooling yourself isn't helping anyone. She needs someone there full time in the house with her or she needs to be put into sheltered accommodation or a home ASAP.

Thank you everyone loads of great links! We are going to sit down just the two of us and have a chat about where she wants us to go from here and have a chat about finances.

For whoever asked I went to the GP with her in October for an assessment. We were made an appointment in Craigavon Area Hospital and she passed the test she was given. I was so surprised!!

You’re not being unreasonable but my heart breaks for your nana and you.

I can understand you having absolutely no option but to feel she needs 24hr care in a safe environment.

Do you feel like it may suit you and her better to have a “companion” come by for 5 hours a day, help her cook and get herself up and about?

You’re certainly right that she could have been killed, along with the neighbors and I can totally understand you being spooked.

How is she feeling about the whole thing? Does she realise what she did? Does she have an opinion re: going into the care home. It is very tough for you making this decision and having no family willing to help you outside of putting her in a home.