Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

[dinkydolphin]

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

Could you make adjustments to your home so that it is safe for you to leave her in between carer visits?

Just thinking things like locking the kitchen (subject to there being a way out that doesn't involve the kitchen) and having a Yale type lock that locks automatically when you close the external doors? She could have a small fridge for milk in her room/the lounge if she is still ok to use the kettle?

Thank you everyone for your kind words. We had a lovely chinese dinner and she hugged me in the kitchen grabbed my hand and thanked me for being on her side. I feel like a mental load has been lifted and she feels she will be safer in her own space. She's got me running after her already talking about shopping for soft furnishings! Lol We are cracking plenty of jokes about her trying to light the house up & having a good giggle!!

I wish you all the best of luck in your own caring capacity. Women are truly phenomenal.

Dementia is so hard to cope with so don’t listen to the bellends on this thread telling you otherwise. It’s heart breaking and difficult (practically as well as emotionally).
My gran is in a home because her Alzheimer’s got so bad. She is happier there, the staff have expert training and she has her own space. You need to do what is right for you and your family

All the beat too you and her op.
This is the right thing

Don't ever feel guilty for doing your best any kind of memory loss is both hard and dangerous you cant be home all the time to monitor. You sound like a lovely kind lady and she does too. Well done.

I’m so relieved to read your latest updates OP. I think it would have broken your heart making that decision for her and she has at least made this decision herself knowing it’s because you love her and want to keep her safe rather than her not being wanted. I think that’s a huge fear of elderly going into homes — that they’re a burden on their family but your nana knows this isn’t why.

I wish you both the very best

My parents both have dementia. We moved to live near them to help and kept things going for 2 years but last summer things came to a head and they both finally moved to nursing home. Just mentioning this to say I’ve been through this stuff.

Lots of practical stuff to think about here. I assume you’ve got respite care booked for her and that’s on weekly/fortnightly basis? I believe that can only be for 3 months in one block and then you’d need to make decision but it gives you important breathing space.

PP point about assessment thresholds is important. Do you have power of attorney? How long will her funds last? This is grim but you do need to budget for her care and not spend too much too early.

I do wish you well.

Can she go into assisted living?

It's not a carehome and she'll have her own flat and privacy, but they will come by and check on as often as they need to and they have safety buttons/cords everywhere for emergencies.

How much would she be expected to do for herself in assisted living though?

Dementia can take a hold quite rapidly & to have to move Op's Gran again might not be good for her.

No one ever gets to demand that they won't be put into a care home. Care homes are there because some people need a level of care that cannot be provided at home, and it could happen to any one of us.

If it is just the appliances then I would suggest getting rid of the microwave and switching you gas job for a more modern one that turns off if you don’t turn it on a particular way or an electric hob so that you can turn it off ay the circuit before leaving the house.

But long term she will need full time care and you all need to prepare for that.

This is so sad. My dad is 71 and still seems like a person in his 50s, i couldn't imagine him like this in another 7 years.

You have done a very lovely thing looking after her and if she went into a home Im sure you would still see her often. She will be safe and you can relax knowing she's safe. You are 100% doing the right thing

Please will pps read the thread? It's no good suggesting turning off the gas or locking the kitchen door or assisted living if she has the mobility to leave the house, wander and get lost - as she did last Friday. A neighbour found her in the street, unable to remember the way home.

It's a great blessing that the confusion is still intermittent and she was able to come to the decision herself that she needed full-time care in a secure environment.

She's already done the equivalent of assisted living while living with the op. Assisted living wouldn't mean someone was there 24/7 to notice when she'd left the gas on or something cooking. She sounds like she's gone past that stage and needs people around more. A care home isn't the end of the world. My MIL's is lovely. She has a lovely room with two armchairs by the window (with patio area outside in a totally enclosed, safe garden area in the middle of the building that half the rooms open onto), a TVs and DVD player, her bed at the other side of the room and a lovely en suite shower room. It's cleaned very day, warm, her clothes are washed and ironed, the food is lovely. They do trips out regularly, have bands and entertainment regularly, a hairdresser comes weekly. The staff are lovely. I'd happily move in myself!

Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

Alternatively, you could try to help her live independently in the bosom of her family, and arrange careers to come in daily, every day. Or, god forbid, put your own excursions on hold and put a elderly lady who has given much of herself to you, your family and this country and put the needs of this elder lady first.

Digusting comment ! Go bloody educate yourself! I’ve worked with residents who suffered with dementia over 7 years its progressive and gets worse over time. The fact is she’s becoming a danger and the safest place is being in a home with 24/7 care. Those saying getting a career the most is 3 times a day but there will be times when she is alone, the fact the gas was left out could have caused an explosion. Don’t feel bad op you need to put her safety and that of you’re selves. It’s a hard decision and I’m sure you’re doing it with a heavy heart but there’s only so much you can do and please ignore that poster they are ignorant and have no idea

I'm glad to hear your updates dinkydolphin
Once she has moved into the home, sit down with the senior staff and talk about getting her assesed so that she can apply for help with the costs. We occasionally do respite where I work, sometimes they end up staying on (others after assesment move into Residential EMI homes, after the doctors/CPN/SW/CHC all come in and do their work, they are sometimes helped with part of the cost, and as things decline they get more funding. It's important to get them working on it all now instead of waiting for her to decline even more.

Forget help with funding, it's like hens' teeth. As I said upthread, my mum didn't qualify aged 96 with advanced dementia and no mobility.

So pleased it's on the way to resolution, OP. It's one of the hardest things you ever have to do but sometimes you're pleasantly surprised. My mum, not only thrived, but blossomed with the move to a care home.

I cross posted with your update and missed it. I’m really glad that things have worked out well. I hope she’s very happy in her new room. And enjoy your take away nights - perfect compromise!

My grandmother lives with us and we are in a similar predicament. We are having her assessed for dementia at the moment but she has also become a danger to herself. She won't cook at all anymore so that's not an issue, but she is also refusing to do anything for herself (eat, wash, dress, take vital medication etc). She is capable but she won't do anything unless someone helps her. This means that if we're not home (we both work and have five children between us) she will lay on the sofa all day doing nothing. Even to the point where she now has to wear adult nappies. Honestly I'm at a loss. We bought this house deliberately for all of us so she wouldn't have to go into a home but now I'm thinking we made the wrong choice and that she'd be better off. Maybe even happier with company.

I wonder if the idea of keeping the elderly person at home is necessarily always the best. Ime dementia can come with unreasinable anxiety about,say, someone knocking on the door, confusion as tobedtime/ meal times, fear over the strangers they now do not recognise. 24/7 care in a cosy room in a care home can be reassuriing and the better option.

It's also incredibly tiring and frustrating looking after a dementia patient. At least in a home the carers get proper breaks and time off. You don't always get that when it's just you doing the looking after. It can be a 24/7 job.

*Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

Alternatively, you could try to help her live independently in the bosom of her family, and arrange careers to come in daily, every day. Or, god forbid, put your own excursions on hold and put a elderly lady who has given much of herself to you, your family and this country and put the needs of this elder lady first.*

I don't believe that anyone who can post this, knows a single thing about caring for someone with dementia. Don't pretend now that your mil has it just because you've been called out on it.

Wishing you and your grandmother all the best OP.

Bold fail!

Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

That to me suggests the poster had a baaad time caring for their own elderly relative perhaps guilt forced it on them - but they feel that others should feel the pain.