Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

[dinkydolphin]

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

Some people really are just too stupid to deal with. Starts off telling OP she's terrible for dumping her gran into a home and telling her she should be changing her life to care for the woman herself. Then on the next page questions anyone who says the woman needs full time supervision.. And now on this page is saying she should deffo put her in a home because it's the right thing to do if that's what's needed. So you're now agreeing with what ever other poster is saying, but won't apologise for your disgusting remarks at the beginning.

Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance! Alternatively, you could try to help her live independently in the bosom of her family, and arrange careers to come in daily, every day. Or, god forbid, put your own excursions on hold and put a elderly lady who has given much of herself to you, your family and this country and put the needs of this elder lady first.

Oh FFS, guess you have never had to deal with Single Motherhood while working and caring for aging parents. who live not remotely in the area, never mind the same country!

Why does granny take precedence over your own family, children and work which you need to do in order to survive.... it usually all comes down to women doing ALL the work anyway.

Troels speaks sense here.

You have no other choice, she is going cause a fire or explosion and could easily kill herself and take out the house and the neighbours too. She needs to live where someone is around 24 hours a day. Sad but true.

Dinkydolphin, the Power of Attorney is only applicable when a person has lost capacity. Your GM is entitled to a Care Act assessment of need. Has she been referred to an older people’s mental health team?
Please request these, for support and guidance for you all. Also, should your GM remain living with you, you can request a carers assessment, some services may be provided through the local authorities carer team, depending on the authority there may be no charge for these.

What does your GM want? Have you spoken with her?
Perhaps you could book her in for a further respite period, this will give you some breathing space.

I’m a social worker with many years experience in this area, please do PM me if you need to. I know what a minefield it is.

Loreleilee1 - you are a nasty, judgemental little twat.

Put the same level of planning into an elderly relative as you do your child preps. simple!

Really? How many day care centres for those with dementia do you know open at 7:30 and close at 6? As young adults, we enter into commitments with mortgage companies, our employers and we become parents. It may be at the back of our minds we one day might need to care for our parents but we don’t let it get in the way of living a normal life. Our lives don’t then stop when our parents need us.

It is a juggling act and I think you really don’t get the level of care involved. It is 24/7. You can be up all night. You have to deal with threats and physical abuse. You have to attend to personal care needs of your loved one. They can be lovely one minute and angry the next. Their anger manifests itself pretty much like it would in a 2 year old: ridiculous assumptions, foot stamping, no ability to see reason. And the hallucinations are something else again.

Care homes are often a last resort of exhausted family members. Cancer I could have managed because an end would have come eventually. Dementia is life long and life with dementia can remain long. My mum lost her siblings at 88, 91 and 93. That gives us potentially another 6 years. Maybe many more. I can’t have my life on hold for that long. And, more importantly, it’s not what she would have wanted.

dinkydolphin I know how much care homes cost and a day carer coming in 9-5 or whatever hours you work, would be a lot cheaper! You say you’re not willing to pay but if she’s got the funds to pay for a home surely she would pay it?

If she was assessed as having mild memory problems last time, next step is back to GP, ask for re-referral and re-assessment.

There are more detailed tests such as neuro-pyschology that can be done. Did she have an MRI last time round?

She needs to go back and have a more thorough assessment.

@CanILeavenowplease did you see my earlier post where I mentioned I care for my mil who came to live with us in 2013 after she broke her hip? She's 83 now.

You are right, I have no idea.

@Iflyaway see my last post.

@ChrisjenAvasarala

It's like taking to a brick wall sometimes on these posts. Either that or my keyboard is set to Japanese and I just can't see it.

Do you do exactly thw same level of care now as you did then? Or have you adapted as her needs alter?

Then if you understand, you will understand it simply isn’t possible for everyone. I am a single parent. Who will pay my mortgage? My ex doesn’t support his children so who will support them?

@LoreleiLee1

A broken hip is not the same as a broken mind. I presume your MIL doesn't go around turning the gas on and leaving it filling the house? Doesn't leave the water rubbing for hours on end?

If you go out for lunch or to do some shopping, you won't worry about your house exploding because she's done something silly.

Caring for anyone is hard, and time consuming. But caring for someone who actually, seriously cannot be left alone in a house is just not always possible. It's not the same thing. Your first posts aimed at OP were disgusting and cruel.

So when you're saying one thing and everyone else is saying another don't you ever just wonder if you might be wrong

LoreleiLee1

Every poster on here is telling you that you are or of order.

When everyone has a problem with you, then the problem is you not them.

*Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

Alternatively, you could try to help her live independently in the bosom of her family, and arrange careers to come in daily, every day. Or, god forbid, put your own excursions on hold and put a elderly lady who has given much of herself to you, your family and this country and put the needs of this elder lady first.*

Bwry clear you have no experience with dementia.
‘Have carers come in 3 times a day’
Speaking from actual experience that is still not enough and that person is still a danger to themself.
People still need to work, to you know earn a living.
Having a carer come in a few times a day doesnot cut it, unless you have experience of actual dementia take your judgement elsewhere.
Lets hope you dont find yourself here one day ( your mom moving in after an injury is in no way the same).
Try going after a 10 hour shift every day and every weekend, hav ing carers in and that person still leaving the gas on.

Op you're doing the right thing.

CanILeavenowplease did you see my earlier post where I mentioned I care for my mil who came to live with us in 2013 after she broke her hip? She's 83 now.

Does she have dementia? Nope then you have no idea.

If I remember correctly, my mil passed the test in craigavon the first time. We got her back in about 6 months later as she was declining quickly. It was quite clear it was dementia. She rapidly went downhill but was considerably younger.

I’d keep going back for assessments if I was you. My mil could remember certain things for the memory test, but she couldn’t remember her df was dead. Who her husband was. So boom another gp appt.

I know they offer respite or something like 2 hours a week (maybe more) and the chance to go into a home during the week for the day...I know around Newry etc they have hair salons etc and try and make it a day out for all. But remember, you’ve done a lot more than others and you need to think of the future. My mil would’ve been going into a home however difficult that would’ve been, as it was getting unsafe to have her in her home which was near a main road in the countryside. She was also starting to get very aggressive towards others. Safety is paramount here.

Actually it's not a carer coming in its a career. So either both the op and her grandmother have a 'career' or neither.

and apparently neither does the OP's granny.

*have dementia.

Op - it does sound like she has dementia. Not being able to work the microwave - "it's broken" - was the first sign of dementia in my dm.

And it took us a couple of months while she was actually in hospital to get a diagnosis. Her brain scan showed "nothing more than you would expect to see in a lady of her age". She was "fine" and, once her physical problems had been sorted she could go home. This went on for 2 months with me pointing out things like she was talking about my dad visiting her (he'd been dead 3 years) and my ds was apparently one of the drs (he was still at school). The pinnacle of exasperation for me was walking into her hospital room to find someone from the mental health team trying to get her to fill in a form. When I remonstrated I was told, triumphantly that I was wrong and my dm did understand what was going on and had signed the form. I had to point out that, yes, she had signed the form. But not with her own name.

And to the op who queried the speed with which the op was able to find a place in a care home, we did it in 3 days when the hospital admitted she needed 24 hour care and gave us 3 days to find that care before discharging her.

Dementia is the most horrendous thing imaginable to have to deal with. Loreleilee1 - there is no comparison between looking after someone with a broken hip and someone with dementia. You really do need to fuck right off.

OP - YANBU

I totally sympathise. All my grandparents have had various forms of dementia sadly.

My favourite Nan had it worst & her deterioration took less than two years.
First it was forgetting how to use things, then it was frightening delusions, hallucinations & paranoia. She lived alone & kept falling.

She was terrified of the scary imaginary people in her flat and would wander outside in the cold to run away from them, luckily her neighbors would see & call us to get her back.
We tried to get carers but she chased them away & she would not let us touch her so she was extremely unkempt.
Finally she got so agitated about the imaginary people that she had to be sectioned for her & others safety with the help of the police & was taken to an EMI unit.

Because she was under section the psychiatrists told us she would go on to a dementia home which would be state funded.
Sadly she developed aspiration pneumonia as the EMI unit were good with looking after her mental health but not with her physical health needs.
With hindsight she should have been given thickened fluids & purée food at the unit as she had developed a poor swallow like many dementia sufferers.
But anyway she died in hospital before she even got into a nursing home, aged 91.

The only good thing is that she was content in the EMI unit for a couple of weeks before she died. Because of the anti psychotics that were covertly given she was more at peace & happy to see her family.

OP your relative is a lot younger which is so sad. If you feel she should go in a home then send her for respite & see how she gets on.
Yes there's a lot you could do to keep her safe should you feel you want to have her living with you but it's a huge responsibility.

My mum has eaten herself up with guilt since my Nan died but the biggest guilt is knowing that we should have taken control of the situation earlier with my Nan & put her in a nursing home before she got so ill. Who knows she may have enjoyed it & still be here.

My friend lived in an end terrace, her neighbour five doors away blew up her mid terrace. This was her last moment on this earth. Before that there had been many lesser incidents, family, friends, neighbours had all tried to help. Your grandmother needs to be safe, however that is achieved.

Hi All,

Thank you so so much to everyone who has left super helpful links. I have also been PMing one person and plan to reach out to others as the wheels start turning. My partner and I went to speak to her about Tuesday and that we would be researching other options as we wanted her to stay with us but, we would need a period of rest bite to organise and she has asked that the move is permanent. She doesn't remember even turning the gas on and she's also admitted she left the house on Friday evening and couldn't remember where she lived until a neighbour brought her back.
She has asked that she stays over once a week (Saturday night take away night) and we have said of course!! We would love to have her then.

I am relieved she's made the decision herself and she's happy with it. I think she has truely and honestly been scared of what could have happened. I am also selfishly relieved I don't have to worry about her in the house and she will be properly looked after. We will be staying in a B&B for a few days until the gas clears! Can't wait for the gas bill lol