Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

[dinkydolphin]

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

No, arranging a care home for her may now be the best thing. But clearing off and leaving her alone for a few days knowing she cannot cope was irresponsible. If the grand mother was a child would you have left alone?

The thing about taking on the responsibility for caring, however well intentioned, is that you are not free. You have to think about the person you are caring for first and always. If you cannot mange then yes, she will need to go into a home.

This is the heart breaking reality of, as the saying goes, loving someone who could blow your house up.

It fucking sucks OP x

Yes she has been diagnosed for dementia and she is completely fine!! Possibly just a little forgetful. Nothing else is a problem apart from appliances!
Nobody else in the family wants to support her from their own home but, would stand behind me if we brought her back to the home.
I am not willing to pay for carers coming 24\7.

You have to do it OP. You should not feel guilty in the slightest, you have already showing your aunt great kindness and love.
Even if you for a carer, you would need a night watch too.
My own DM is in early stage but seems to be rapidly going down, between the 4 siblings, dad and mams sister we already find it very difficult, she got up in the night turned on the electric fire and start putting plastic bags into it.
My aunt is a very strong independent woman she sobbed going into a home, we were devastated but she made friends and is happy after a time.
It is so difficult but that is what care homes are for.

Carers would be cheaper than a care home?

@EerieSilence Yes, agree with you. So don't commit to something that you cannot follow through.

Caring for elderly relatives is like having a baby. I see the OP had the best of intentions but leaving an elderly relative who clearly is a danger to her self is and was irresponsible.

Is your grandmother taking lots of medication?

@aquamarine no she is on no medication! Apart from her multi vitamin which she takes religiously.

YANBU

It’s very sad, but when a person can no longer live at home safely there’s very little else you can do. Caring for someone with advanced dementia is a full time (as in 24/7) job that is absolutely exhausting and draining. Sadly things will get worse as time goes on, not better.

It’s not selfish to be unable to stand the physical and mental load of being a carer, especially while trying to keep a job and raise your own family.

Decades ago more families cared for older people at home, but as people are living longer with more complex needs, that becomes impossible.

When my mother in law lived us and needed 24 hour care (due to dementia) we arranged for a private carer to come to the house at 8am (time I left for work) and she stayed until either myself or husband returned home, approx 5.30pm.

The carer was lovely and would take MIL out for coffee, shopping or just for a drive in the car. She was a companion as well as carer.
It was cheaper than paying for a care home plus we knew MIL was being well looked after and she stayed in familiar surroundings.

Care homes are SO expensive and added to that the fact that she doesn't want to go into a care home suggests that you might be better off making some changes at home. First off a carer visiting 2/3 times a day, then other things like converting your gas cooker to electric (or getting one with some sort of tamper proof off-switch, if there is such a thing) a timer on the shower so that it cannot overrun, that sort of thing.

It’s hard but it does seem the time has come where she needs full time care. Your options are to quit work and do it or to find a good care home.

My mum had to make this decision for my grandma. It was hard but it had to happen.

LoreleiLee1 stop being a twat. The woman has almost blown the house up several times and killed herself/other people. You think that's somehow morally better than being in a home do you? .

"If the grandmother was a child would you have left them alone"?
She isn't a child you fool. What a stupid comparison.

Carer 2 or 3 times a day isn’t a solution. It doesn’t take minutes to fall or set fire to a house.

Yes, dump her off in a home it's all very inconvenient and time consuming for you. What a nuisance!

Unfortunately, it just isn’t possible for all families to manage the care of loved ones. Dealing with a dementia sufferer day in, day out is awful. Hallucinations are one thing, the frustration, upset, hitting and punching quite another. Sometimes a home is the right choice. Certainly, there was no way on Earth I was bringing my children up with me on Carers Allowance and an unpleasant grandma who turned their once comfortable haven of a home into a frightening place to be. I acknowledge it is the easier option but for everyone concerned, it is the right option.

Oh come on op, clearly she is not 'fine' - no one who is 'fine' would leave the gas on all day. And why would you be paying for carers, surely you'd use the money from her house sale?

@lore we didn't up and leave. If you could read my post she had someone come and see her every day to ensure she was ok. Of course she also missed the gas but, she could have killed herself. It's not a simple case here of being sick of her and throwing her in the home. If you have an opinion I am asking you for it but, my intention is so so pure and her safety is my first priority.

Okay, I work with people with dementia. Don't panic there are solutions.

1. if she is more confused than normal, take her to GP for urine test. If she has an infection (very common) this increases confusion
2. Presumably she has been seen by a consultant psychiatrist ? Is she known to a mental health team? if so, this is your first port of call. If not, GP then ask for referral to mental health team or social work
3. an Occupational Therapist can fit telecare; smoke/heat/gas detectors so if she were to leave any appliances on, they would detect this and send an alert to call centre. You or someone else would need to be contactable for emergencies.

Or

1. the OT/social work/or yourselves can fit a switch on valve so she is unable to use the gas cooker.
2. regarding doors, sometimes a simple sign reminding to take keys/lock door is enough. Depends how advanced she is.

There are lots of good options, which I use all the time. Often for people who live at home by themselves.

However, living with someone with dementia is hard work, so you are well justified in thinking of different options. However, does she have capacity to make her own decisions? if so, then you really can't move her into a home against her will

Good luck

Regarding the microwave; you can get socket covers that require a key to open (these fit directly over the socket), so that you are able to use the microwave. Obviously she would need to have a way of getting food. Care package?

Thank you @carr that is all very helpful!!

Op, my Grandma felt similar until she spent some time in a rehabilitation place following a fall. After that she was happy to move into a home. She spent five years there and was so happy. We can’t praise the staff enough. There was company for her all day, activities, kind faces, plentiful cups of tea and cooked meals. It was in a rough midlands area so not posh/top end prices. The right home can be the best option for everyone. I have worked in dementia specialist homes so I am fully aware they are not all good.

@carr we wouldn't need a good package. She is on clear instruction to only eat cereal on the morning. Her sister comes with a delicious pre made lunch or her sister makes it here with us and I am always home for dinner and supper so she eats with us!

Happy to help. PM if you need more info. I have worked with people with dementia for 14 years, so pretty informed. Telecare is a great option and does work really well. Can only comment on the area I work but presume access to telecare isn't limited to Scotland only. At least it gives you a starting point.
If it doesn't work out though, or the OT/CPN assess her and feel she is best in a home, please don't beat yourself up about it. Like I say, its really hard.

You are doing the right thing, it sounds like dementia so you will need to take her to her go and start the memory assts but she needs to live somewhere where she can be kept safe.

Have you got power of attorney in place?