Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

[dinkydolphin]

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

B: elderly relative goes into an appropriate care home.

That's what she is doing and yet you're berating her. Why when your suggestion is what she is planning on doing?

We had very similar with my mil. She does have diagnosed dementia (which the doctors seemed very reluctant to diagnose for a while). She had carers at home for a while, but it quickly amounted to a lot of money and she needed more and more hours. Eventually we found a lovely care home. She wasn't impressed initially, but soon settled down. She's safe, warm, has good food, a lovely room and all our time with her is quality time. We go out for lunch, she comes home sometimes. I work varied shifts, so can pop in randomly. They are so often doing wonderful things with them, tea dances, aerobics, animals visiting. She's absolutely thriving in there. We're lucky that it's also one of the best value homes I've ever heard of.

Don't feel bad, you've given her a good home life as long as was safe (and things sound dangerous now!). You're not exactly having her locked away in bedlam!

@tinstar
Dementia is the most horrendous thing imaginable to have to deal with. Loreleilee1 - there is no comparison between looking after someone with a broken hip and someone with dementia. You really do need to fuck right off.

Thanks . Your language is lovely.

My MIL does have dementia. Shortly before she broke her hip she leaned over her gas hob,wearing a loose sleeved cardigan, setting herself alight. She was boiling the kettle to make us tea at the time. She refused warden controlled accommodation. Had we not been in the kitchen with her at that moment there would have been no one to put her arm out.

Add to that my own mother has mental health problems and was sectioned under the mental health act last Aug, although she was allowed home 3 weeks later. I still have to have a heavy daily input with her also.

Yes, your all right. I have no
idea what I'm taking about. I shouldn't have posted on this thread as I have no idea or experience.

You are not living the OPs experience.

@MrMeSeeks yes, she does have dementia.

Mental capacity is assessed on a decision by decision basis
It’s not like a child ffs
Dear God I wonder at some posters

You clearly do have experience so I can only assume it's your ability to read that is hampered.

I'm so glad it's working out OP.

In my experience, the attitude of "women can be so selfish these days, we should return to the good old days when we looked after our elders at home as we should" has almost exclusively come from men. Who by 'we' mean 'women, not men obviously' and thus they happily berate women for failing to be saintly or sacrificial enough as is our assigned role. Safe in the entitled knowledge that it's not going to be the men wiping Granny's bottom or spoonfeeding her meals or, god forbid, giving up their jobs to provide personal care of any sort whatsoever.

I must say the attitude expressed by LoreleiLee1 is exceptionally unusual to find on the Mumsnet boards.

OP please bear in mind the long term implications here. She may well be self funding now but if you are considering it to be long term, there is absolutely no guarantee the LA will pick up the bill if her money runs out. I've seen people removed from care homes and into temporary housing because they did not meet the eligibility threshold for long term care when their funds run out. Purely going on the description you've given here, I know your GM would not meet the threshold at my LA.

Also you need to consider her capacity and consent to going. I've only skim read some of the thread but if she's not consenting then what would be the plan? The home cannot legally detain her without a capacity assessment demonstrating she didn't have the capacity to make the decision around her care, residence and treatment and a best interest decision to support the placement followed by a DOLS application. I'd urge you to ring your local adults social care department. It's a very complex area, which offers (quite rightly) huge protections to vulnerable adults.

All this talk about assessment is irrelevant at the moment. It doesn't matter whether she's got vascular dementia (will show up on a scan) or Alzheimer's, can only be properly diagnosed post mortem.

You have to judge by her behaviour whether she has capacity to be left on her own. It's not just the gas etc. - tho' that is incredibly serious - but the fact she is mobile enough to leave the house and could stray, get run over. My dm was in a worse state, but her mobility declined at the same rate as her mind, so she couldn't get into the kitchen to use the appliances or leave the house. We were able to manage with 4 visiting carers a day.

That's obviously not possible here. And it isn't necessarily a gradual deterioration. My dm went from being able to arrange a hairdresser's appointment and a lift from neighbours to the salon to not being able to answer the phone - she tried to use the TV remote instead - in 3 days after hospitalisation for a UTI.

Op - I really feel for you. But you're doing the right thing. Some useful advice on this thread re social worker involvement. I sometimes wish we'd acted sooner with my dm about residential care. Yes - it would have been disruptive at first, but care homes are much better now at providing mental stimulus and entertainment for patients with dementia and she obviously isn't safe any longer on her own.

lorelei you have made spiteful and judgmental comments, how utterly unfair and unhelpful!

As a professional, I’ve dealt with probably a few hundred people with dementia and everyone is different. All families are different and all families cope differently.

Please stop comparing caring for an adult like caring for a child. It’s not the same and incredibly demeaning. We do not treat adults with capacity (to make decisions) the same as children. It’s not legal and it’s not ethical.

LoreleiLee1

Then that makes your comments even more disgusting.

I moved into my relatives house yearsago when she broke a bone.
I would take that again and again ove the soul destroying dementia
Im truly astonished that someone who says they have experience, would make these judgemental and heartbreaking comments.
You are not only hurting op, but other people who have had to make this heartbreaking decision.

I meant to say adults withOUT capacity, not with...

Op - cross-posted with your update. So pleased that your gran has made the decision herself. It'll help you with feeling guilty, even when she's gone. She sounds a lovely woman.

My parents cared for my paternal grandmother for years. She kept her mind, we had to do a lot for her physically but it was possible.

It was not possible for them to care for my maternal grandmother. They tried but she needed 24/7 care and it was making my mum ill herself. She had to go into a home.

The OP has done her best, more than many would do but grandmother has had her life. Why should the OP be denied hers? she needs full time care.

Op, if the care home is the best option for your family - baring in mind other extended family aren't prepared to take on the workload - then don't feel bad.

However, have you considered hiring a "housekeeper"? Someone to clean, cook and just keep your grandmother company during the time you are at work? It might not end up costing much more than a care home.

Worth considering it as an option if at the moment she just needs another person to supervise her.

Think of it like childcare, you could pay out for nursery or a Nanny, this would be like hiring a Nanny.

Please ignore people who are suggesting that by not quitting your job you are letting your grandmother down, remember it's usually the generation up from you that deals with dementia care, people your parents age who are winding down to retirement if not already retired.

You sound like a lovely, kind and wise granddaughter. Some homes are really nice. They provide company and activities, encourage independence and allow you to remain the caring, loving granddaughter rather than a stressed carer has to give up their own life for someone who quite soon may not even recognise you.

@LoreleiLe1

Im sure i will see you on the threads defending carers when they are called scroungers. I havent yet but im guessing thats because you are new.

You know what's best, kindest and safest. This must be breaking your heart. My warmest thoughts.

"You are not living the OPs experience"

Hmm Maybe this is the problem. How much care is your DH providing for HIS mum @LoreleiL1

Because the OP is caring for her relative but you are caring for your husbands relative Because what i notice time and time again is that its women doing the bulk of the caring whether its a blood relative or an in law.

.

We have had a connection put in, so we switch the gas off with a lever off the oven piping in the back of a cupboard so even if Nan wants to use the oven she can't as it doesn't feed the gas to it.
I have always sworn my Nan will never go in a home, we have also spoke within SS to get a care package in place to help jeep get at home.

keep her at home sorry

It's just so hard, we are trying everything we can but if she is unsafe only you know what is best.
You sound lovely and a caring granddaughter

That is great OP. You have a beautiful bond I hope you all have many great Saturday nights. It is for the best for everyone to stay safe.