Grandmother is becoming a danger to us and herself. I would like to send her to a home.

[dinkydolphin]

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

My grandmother (78) moved in with me and my partner in May 2017 after my grandfather died.

I invited her to stay with us as she was struggling with the upkeep in her maritial home and was generally suffering from loneliness. She sold her property a month after and of course as I invited her to stay with us I never asked her to contribute but, she has decided herself to buy her own food (which I take her out for) and £40 a month towards gas and electric. I am absolutely and hopelessly in love with her. She is a great woman/grandmother and I love spending time with her.

My partner and I both work full time and my grandmother's sister comes by every day excluding weekends to visit and ensure she is ok.

In the summer of 2018 she started having problems with using appliances around the house when she has never had trouble before. It started with leaving food in the microwave for god knows how long until the plate/ bowl explodes. Then she consistently leaves the house throughout the day without locking the doors. She leaves her ensuite shower running for hours for end a few times a week. The most dangerous thing though is leaving the gas running in the kitchen. We have banned her from using it but, she would not listen until I eventually told her I couldn't trust her to stay in the house alone then.

The worst however was this weekend. My partner and I were both gone from Thursday at 8am to work. We asked my grandmother's sister to do her usual checks but extend this to today as we were only coming home this morning. So potentially from Thursday to Sunday she has left the gas running in the kitchen from the stove. We entered the house and the smell knocked us back. Evacuated the house immediately and I've got her booked into the home for Tuesday.

She has always ALWAYS asked that I would never put her into a home and I always said I wouldn't but, I feel like I have no other choice. AIBU?

Why dont you get a carer in from 8 to 5 or something and pay for it out of her money? To me that's the step before a care home.

@dinkydolphin you would be surprised! was it the ACE assessment? if so, it isn't fool proof and people can perform better than expected on it. The level of functioning is a better indicator but the memory assessment is a good starting point.

worth a visit to GP with explanation as to what is going on

It sounds like she just needs monitoring during the day. Are there no day centres that would collect her and drop her home. Paying for a one to one carer to cover the hours her sister cannot be there is going to be cheaper than residential care. For me, the stage at which someone becomes unmanageable at home is when they have nighttime needs, until that point there is usually a solution. What does she think about being in a home. If she enjoyed it previously then probably everyone is happy. If she has capacity, you need to involve her in the decision, if she lacks capacity around her care needs and you have enduring power of attorney for her health and wellbeing, then you can make that decision. If you do not have plans it may be prudent to involve a SW to ensure decisions are made in her best interests with no one casting aspersions. You of course have every right to say she cannot live with you .

You're an idiot lor. The op was working. To give her him grandmother 24h cafe she would have to stop and presumably at that point her grandmother would have to move out as the op would have stopped paying the mortgage and be evicted. Live in the real world.

POA not plans!

I know how difficult this is having been through this with my own DM a few years ago. She had vascular dementia and it is a very difficult situation especially the hallucinations. I think you are doing the right thing. She is not safe and you are not safe.

It got to the stage with DM that despite 5 visits a day (3 carer and 2 family) she couldn't cope. She made numerous "urgent" phone calls each day making it difficult to work. If she was left for as little as 10 minutes she would panic and she started dialing 999 and calling the police.

There is a huge risk of you burning out trying to provide 24/7 care to someone ho is no longer safe being left alone at all while trying to to work and have a little of your own life.

As upsetting as it is, it’s probably for the best both you for and for her; if the home is local and you are still going to see her and maintain a close relationship then it’s the best of both worlds really.

OP, I have seen friends go through the same thing, but as they lived a distance away, they had to put their mothers into homes. There were siblings living nearby, but nobody is able to put their own life on hold and leave jobs or abandon DC, in order to look after their parents.

Once they started doing silly things with gas, and forgetting to eat etc, it was much kinder to get them full time care in a suitable place.

YANBU as long as you take the time to find the right place.

As others have suggested, if she has the funds, then she could pay for somebody to be with her all day, there are people who would do that, there is a local company to us who provide companions rather than carers.

But whatever happens, she cannot be left on her own all day.

It's a difficult situation for you, OP. You must do what is right for you and your family in the end.

Don't feel guilty, and don't let the critics on here guilt trip you either. If you cannot cope with her in your home due to her worsening dementia, and she has clearly become too much of a danger to herself and everyone else, then the home is likely to be the best and most practical option. You will still be able to visit her regularly, and will be able to bring her home for the odd weekend visit too when you will be there and able to supervise her properly yourself.

You definitely need help, OP.

I've worked in an EMI unit and saw that cookers, fires and lights are things that dementia sufferers are commonly transfixed with.

Hob rings and ovens are put on to the highest settings, fires (open fires and Rayburns were more common when I worked there) were stoked as high as possible - one man set fire to his chimney - and hot water is often left running.

Simple measures like placing tea towels over door handles can sometimes confuse them, as can placing mirrors in the way (though I don't think this would be sensible in your case. It was more of an experiment in our unit at the time). You could try covering the gas hob with a tray or something but that could have its dangers, too.

I think you need to talk to experts about this. For your safety and your grandmother's. If she's not bad enough to be left alone yet, she probably will get that way.

No one wants to put a relative in a care home, but sometimes there is no option. The best you can do if you have to is look for a good one.

For those that don't believe this happens with elderly people I hope you don't come across this in relatives in later life 'cause you're gonna be in for a hell of a shock.

Christ some people are harsh.

My stepfather-in-law moved to a home very quickly once he reached that point. He had been in for respite on a few occasions (like OP's GM) so they knew his needs. Once MIL said she could not cope anymore, he was moved the next day. And that was to a fully state funded place.

The OP's GM is self funding. The home has previously had her for respite, know her needs. If they have space and she is top of the waiting list, she will get a place as soon as one is available which it sounds like it is.

OP - maybe a longer respite period to give you time to make the house safe? And set up a regular carer (which she would fund from the house sale, like she would a care home)? Maybe try a gradual entry to the home so the periods between respite become shorter and respite periods become longer?

No one likes the idea of 'shoving granny in a home', but sometimes it is the kindest and safest thing for everyone.

@fabaunt god love her I dropped everything in the kitchen and hammered up the stairs to grab her. To say she was shocked would be an understatement. She hadn't even time to put on shoes or dress out of her pajamas.

She didn't have the time to even speak to me properly.

@StealthPolarBear You're an idiot lor. The op was working. To give her him grandmother 24h cafe she would have to stop and presumably at that point her grandmother would have to move out as the op would have stopped paying the mortgage and be evicted. Live in the real world.

Who is for? I assume me? I assume you mean her and not him and I'm not sure what need OP's Nan has for a 24hr cafe. Unless of course she desires as gingerbread latte at midnight.

What mortgage are you talking about? Op said Nan was struggling with upkeep
Of the house. I take it she meant maintenance and self care not mortgage.

I'm the idiot?

My parent is in a care home & loves it.

Always staff about, sees more people in a day than when they were at home!

Lol apologies for typos. The gran lives with the op. Presumably the op pays the mortgage. What would your plans be for that?

I’m so sorry you’ve been given poor advice and judgement from some people on this thread who think they’re experts. To clarify, we never treat adults with brain injuries, learning disabilities and dementia etc as if they are children. We treat these people as adults who have additional needs. The law is clear and good practice is clear.

Dementia is my specialist area and I am happy if you want to PM and I can give you some advice, although some people on here have been really helpful.If you want to explore options at home, there are things out there which can help her and also give you peace of mind. Telecare and similar really is the future. There is so much technology that can allow people to safely stay in their own homes. Things like activities and dementia clubs are really great for getting people out and socialising. Keeping her mind active will help her keep well for longer.

It sounds like you have limited support from others in the family and I imagine it’s a lot for you to take in. I would suggest you don’t make any rash decisions and see how things go.

@dinkey I’m so sorry you must be so upset, and that would have been an awful fright. Don’t make any decisions either way until you give yourself time to get over the shock and then move forward with a clear head.

I think everyone can agree the current situation isn’t working so what might?
Daycare is a great idea. They have a great time in day care, lunch and entertainment and company, the one my grandad used to attend had a bus that collected him and brought him home. He loved it there. He had friends, he was looked after and then came home to his own chair in the evenings.

You need more support than you’ve been getting. Be kind to yourself and your nana she is lucky to have you

OP, at 78 she could live for another 20 years, that's literally £1 million in care home fees at today's rates - does she have that kind of money?

I thought gas cookers now automatically switch off the gas supply after a few seconds if the gas is turned on but no flame ignited?
Other than that, it is a very difficult situation and if the dementia is getting worse and making life impossible residential care sadly becomes inevitable. I’ve been there with my dad. I think it’s very unfair when elderly persons make others “ promise never to put me in a home”. Often these are elderly people who have never had the burden of care for a person with dementia and have no insight into what it involves. If I get dementia I totally understand my kids would have to take that step. Or potentially ruin their careers/ marriages/ own health/ sanity. Which obviously I wouldn’t want.

@Bluelady once the money runs out down to the last £25000 the state takes over paying.

It is vital that she gets a social work or ot assessment, as there's so much that can be done to keep her safe at homd including

• gas shut off valve
• Detectors on basins and sinks that alert a call centre when taps go off
• Door sensors that alert the call centre when someone tries to leave
• GPS technology so if she goes outside she can be tracked
• Cctv linked to an app on your phone

All of this combined with carers visiting a few times a day could keep her at home.

Oh and my stepfather-in-law also used to pass assessments even when he couldn't remember his way from bedroom to bathroom in a 2 bed bungalow and was shitting on the kitchen floor because he thought it was the toilet. The stimulus of going to assessments used to perk up his mental capacity.

Yes the state will take over but the person may not be able to remain in the same care facility once finance is exhausted and the state takes over funding
Sadly I’ve seen people moved from care facilities that they have live in for years
That’s why a comprehensive and unbiased financial assessment at the beginning of the process is essential

@LoreleiLee1

Do you understand dementia? Do you understand what happens when someone's mind starts to go?

You cannot leave them alone in a house with access to anything that could become dangerous. Even when they have zero reason to touch the stove or over, they will. They will turn it on, for no reason, and leave it on. That's how people die. It is not like looking after someone with a broken hip who needs help but still has their mind. It's not like looking after someone who is simply old and needs a hand.

This is someone who cannot be left unsupervised. Even if you put a padlock on the kitchen door, they'll leave all the taps on in a bathroom. Or they'll go outside and wander and get lost. They'll go outside with no shoes or coat and wander off. They'll eat things they shouldn't. It doesn't get better. Once it starts, it just gets worse.

It's not just giving someone a helping hand. It required 24 hour supervision. Do you realise how many elderly people are found wandering around at 3am in street? And if you look them into their bedroom, it's a fire hazard. If there is a fire in the middle of the night, and you can't get to their door to unlock it then they are trapped.

But if you can't get that through your thick head then there is no point in you continuing to contribute.

It sounds as though you are a lovely caring person op, do not feel bad at needing 24hr care for your gran. If she needs to go into a home for her own safety and that of others then that is what needs to happen. 24hr care in a community setting ie your home is going to be really expensive, sometimes it just is not an option.

Please be kind to yourself and to your gran