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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:
FigandVanilla · 03/02/2019 16:10

I’m so sorry OP. He is an abusive arsehole. For some reason pregnancy is a trigger for lots of men to behave this way.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/02/2019 16:12

Run. Like. Fuck.

This is how it starts. This how it always starts. It will get worse, and then very much worse after the birth.

ElspethFlashman · 03/02/2019 16:13

Pregnancy is a known trigger for abuse. That's what has happened to him. You are experiencing domestic abuse and it may escalate. It also is unlikely to vanish after you give birth.

Please talk to Women's Aid. This is a known issue. And a very dangerous one. Do not underestimate what is happening here.

DPotter · 03/02/2019 16:13

Don't think about leaving - just leave. Before the baby arrives. Tell your midwife, he's being abusive and get family and friends support.

supermum85 · 03/02/2019 16:14

im sorry this is ringing alarm bells that this man is abusive and it could get a lot worse. calling you a whore and telling you to f off is horrible. you are not being annoying by being pregnant and driving slowly on ice. he is being a complete bully.

Dragongirl10 · 03/02/2019 16:15

Op op this is exactly how abuse starts, it is horribly common in pregnancy for this to start and escalate......
Don't wait really, don't....IT IS NOT YOU OR ANYTHING YOU ARE DOING....
Please work out a way to leave and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/02/2019 16:17

You don't need us to tell you how much of an abusive arse hole he's being. I'm not telling you what to do. I cant, but If it were me I'd be walking way, now. If he's acting like when you're pregnant. I shudder to think what hes going to be like when you're not.
Not that it excuses it it any way shape or form but was the pregnancy unplanned therefore he's angry and 'resents'you, even though. He played his part.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/02/2019 16:19

Just to second and further emphasize what dragon said.

"ITS NOT YOU OR ANYTHING YOU'RE
DOING"!!!!!!!!!!

Armadillostoes · 03/02/2019 16:20

OP-Please listen to what previous posters have said. This is really serious and not something you should subject yourself and your baby to.

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 03/02/2019 16:31

OP please tell your midwife exactly what you have posted on here. Your partner is abusive and you need to get away asap as both you and your child are in danger.

As other posters have said if you are not married let him put the effort in, into getting on your child's birth certificate. Also please find another birth partner asap. Do not tell him you have gone into labour but wait a minimum of two days after the baby is born and you in a place where you aren't on your own.

ciderhouserules · 03/02/2019 16:33

Op - he wants out.

Being an arse is a good way to make you chuck him out (and you should) without him feeling guilty. (look for the other woman, too Angry)

But get rid, before it gets worse. It is not going to get any better.

LagunaBubbles · 03/02/2019 16:37

You need to end this relationship today whilst you have the choice. Otherwise your child will just become another statistic growing up in an abusive environment, emotionally damaged and so no doubt will other children you may well have.

BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 16:41

OP get out now. He's abusive. Have you got anyone to stay with?

MikeUniformMike · 03/02/2019 16:45

Get out. It will not improve.

Original poster
silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:51

FWIW, this is a planned pregnancy. He used to buy me ovulation sticks and was very much into it.... I'm just so confused! It does feel like he's angry at me 247. And I don't understand why.

I don't mean to shake responsibility but I honestly don't think I treat him badly. I defiantly don't feel I deserve any of this. Tbh,I don't think anyone does.
I asked him for a cuddle a week or so ago, and he rolled his eyes at me.

It's just so weird and honestly, degrading.

OP posts:
Original poster
silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:52

@ciderhouserules see, this is what I think! He seems to genuinely hate me. But when I try to leave, or discuss it with him, he convinces me to stay and tells me I'm the love of his life. I'm baffled!!!

I'm not saying you're wrong by the way, hope I don't come across as rude! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:54

He's out for the day, I text him asking if we were still going to do the nursery when he returned home and he replied "f off". So I've came to a family members where I intend on staying for a few days whilst I figure out what the bloody hell has happened to my relationship.

OP posts:
BreastSideStory · 03/02/2019 16:58

That text message would spell the end of the relationship if it was me.
I would reply telling him to fuck off and not to contact you again.
His behaviour is utterly disgusting and if you let him treat you like this it will escalate

toddlepod · 03/02/2019 17:15

Oh Silverpurple, this isn't how you should be experiencing your pregnancy. My heart goes out to you.

His behaviour is so offensive and abusive. Am glad you're going to stay with family away from him.

He's doing a right number. Telling you to fuck off because you asked about doing the nursery?! He should have been looking forward to doing the nursery ready for his baby. Am truly so sad for you.

My feeling is that he's realised a baby signals the end of his single life and wants out. I thinks he's got an OW and is being a shit so you kick him out and leave him free and single again.

Can't explain why he then persuades you to stay and claims to love you. Words are cheap and actions speak louder. He's not showing you or his baby any love.

I say don't go back. Leave the little bollocks to his own devices. You and your baby deserve so much better than this little shit can ever give you.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

MrsBertBibby · 03/02/2019 17:15

What's happened is that now you're pregnant, he thinks he's got you trapped, so he can do as he likes.

I have done so many DV injunctions for clients : hundreds, I imagine. There was always a bit where you say where things started to happen. And without fail, the event heralding the start of abuse, or a new escalation, was

Marriag
Engagement
Moving in together
Pregnancy
Childbirth.

Without bloody fail.

Get out, stay out, look into the Freedom Programme to help you never end up back there.

Original poster
silverpurple · 03/02/2019 18:17

Thank you all. I am dreading him getting home and realising I've gone.

I'm on my own at my relatives as their away but I don't think he will come here. I think he will stay at home and have a few drinks. I'll probably just get some abusive texts.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 03/02/2019 18:33

Turn off your phone.

TheHorseyouRodeInOn · 03/02/2019 19:27

Or block him!

Original poster
silverpurple · 03/02/2019 19:33

Scared to turn my phone off as I'm on my own and petrified I'll go into labour. Definitely happy to block him though. It's got past the point of hoping for him to be sorry or nice now, I just want out.

In the past I've longed for him to reach out to me but honestly, he doesn't bring me any joy any more. I'm so relieved I'm not going crazy.

He honestly has had me questioning if I am a bully.

OP posts:
museumum · 03/02/2019 19:35

You know after that text it shouldn’t matter if he wants you or not - he doesn’t bloody deserve you!
Walk.