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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:
MouseUtopia · 04/02/2019 03:22

Do not put him on the birth certificate. Chances are he'll be nice to you around delivery and just afterwards and then abruptly change again when the baby is a couple of weeks old and the novelty has worn off.

If he's on the birth certificate you'll end up shackled to him for the next 18 years and they use the child to continue abusing the mother.

PregnantSea · 04/02/2019 04:14

So glad you got out OP.

I know this isn't what you were expecting but you are strong and you can definitely do this without him! You've already proven you're a good mother by getting away from this horrible man and choosing the safer, happier option.

As others have said some men just turn into horrible bastards when their partner gets pregnant... I'm sorry it's happened to you.

Good luck!

Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 14:44

Impressively, he didn't get in touch, until this morning. To ask me for money.

I have officially lost all respect for this "man".

OP posts:
Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 14:45

I am sure this is going to hit me very hard, but right now I just feel so, so angry. At him and myself for letting him do this to me for so long.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 04/02/2019 15:03

Well done OP for getting away. I agree don't put him on the birth certificate!

MrsTerryPratcett · 04/02/2019 15:06

Anger is good and right in this case. But not at yourself. You've done what you need to do to keep safe. Keep doing what you need to do.

Flowers
Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 15:09

Why not on the birth certificate? Sorry if that's a stupid question, first child so I don't really know a lot about the legislation.

I have received nothing but abuse today. Blocked his number and he's still found ways of contacting me. He's taken great pleasure in telling me he thinks I'm nuts and can't possibly look after this child without him.

Luckily I still have some wit left and know that living with him constantly putting me down will NOT make me a good capable mother.

I cannot believe this is who he really is. He was so wonderful before.

OP posts:
MaiaRindell · 04/02/2019 15:11

Well done for being so strong, OP.

He may try to make you feel sorry for him. Don't let him! You are doing the right thing.

ElspethFlashman · 04/02/2019 15:13

Because it gives him parental responsibility which means he can take the child and he would have as much right as you. How could a court force him to give the baby back if he has parental responsibility? He can also do anything medical or enrol them in a school without your leave.

It would be madness. If he doesn't have PR then he has to go through you for everything and can make no decisions without you. And you will be the primary caregiver. If he has PR he can go over your head and all a court can ask him to do is notify you.

MaiaRindell · 04/02/2019 15:14

OP, his name on the birth certificate makes it easier for him to have access to the baby, I believe. If you are not married, he would have to go with you to have his name there.

donajimena · 04/02/2019 15:20

Well done. If he thinks you are serious he may panic and turn up the nice behaviour, apologise and swear he'll be the perfect partner. He'll blame work, he'll say he's worried about being a good dad. He won't blame you but he'll apologise for taking it out on you.
This is all bullshit and he will keep up the act until he's got you back. Don't fall for it. You have done the hard part.

peoplearepeople · 04/02/2019 15:29

You don't want this man living in the same house as your child op. You are doing the right thing. Both you and your child deserve better than this. Walk away now because it will only get worse eventually.
Can I also mention not to give the child his surname. Doing so can cause all kinds of annoying problems in the future. (Dr's appointments, holidays etc)

billybagpuss · 04/02/2019 15:31

You know you're making the right decision. Are you ok with the house and finances etc?

Good luck Flowers

needsleepzzz · 04/02/2019 15:32

Sounds like a grade A wanker. Your much better off without him

PositivelyPERF · 04/02/2019 15:39

As previous posters have said. Give the baby your name, then you won’t have any difficulties when travelling abroad, otherwise you’ll have to prove you have the birth father’s permission to travel with your child, amongst other things.

Keep his name off the birth certificate. If this abusing fucker wants to have contact with your child, he’ll have to go to court to force a dna test. Since he’s sponging money off you, he’s unlikely to want to spend the money.

This gives you the freedom to move away from the area, if you need to. If he’s acknowledged as the birth father, he can fuck up any plans you have to move. Good luck OP. 💐

fblake · 04/02/2019 15:41

What an arsehole. Feel so sorry for you Sad. Stay strong, you don't need that wanker in your life x

cheesemongery · 04/02/2019 15:44

You're doing amazingly.

I spent my pregnancy being called a cunt, it just ended up as water off a ducks back. I just accepted it. I didn't want my daughter to be without her father so stayed together throughout the pregnancy (had a happy - ish 5 years together previously).

Daughter was born and within 3 weeks post c-section I had him arrested and removed from my for physical violence against me (ABH).

Never looked back!

It's such a shame that what should be such a happy time can trigger such abuse.

His name on the birth certificate gives him automatic parental responsibility - the same as you. I would carefully consider this when registering.

How are you doing with forward planning? Do you have anywhere long term to stay? Do give womens aid a call, they are brilliant.

PositivelyPERF · 04/02/2019 15:45

Btw, OP DO NOT let him know whe;you’ve gone into labour or he could end up at the hospital and try to bully you into putting him on the certificate.

If you can go anywhere else for a while, do it. Have the baby and get the certificate signed before the fucker knows anything about it. It’s normally very important for a child to have their father in their life, but not if he’s an abusive fucker. He will not bring anything good into your life and your child will grow up seeing his/her mother being abused, as normal.

needsleepzzz · 04/02/2019 15:55

Don't put him on the birth certificate OP, it will make things a lot harder for you.
All the best, stay strong

Ngaio2 · 04/02/2019 16:03

You need to recognise that he will try to worm his way back by being “loving” etc and around the birth may seem like a second honeymoon, but that will be merely a ploy to get you back under his control. Stay strong for yourself and your baby.
God knows why some men are like this — they come from all backgrounds and are not necessarily from homes where there was DV etc. They just seem to hate women and women who have been independent, self confident etc hitherto are ground down by their partners, so don’t blame yourself for your predicament. Even therapists treating women who have been in abusive relationships have found.
themselves in the same situation eg the author of “Women ho loved men and the men who hate them “.
If you need to collect anything from your home go when you know he’ll be out and take someone with you.

MsVestibule · 04/02/2019 16:13

I don't disagree with the advice to not put him on the birth certificate, but I presume this means you won't be able to claim maintenance from him? Is that an issue? Is he likely to pay any anyway?

MirriVan · 04/02/2019 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PositivelyPERF · 04/02/2019 16:18

but I presume this means you won't be able to claim maintenance from him?

Apparently you can still claim maintenance if he’s not on the certificate. To be honest I don’t agree with that, but I can understand if some mothers need the money to get by.

Bishalisha · 04/02/2019 16:30

Sorry he’s being a knob OP. Very glad you’ve left.

Are you married? If not, please don’t put his name on the birth certificate as doing so gives him parental responsibility. Go no contact until baby is registered. And for the love of god, give the baby your surname.

Please don’t consider giving up your job atm either (if that was ever a consideration)

Bluetrews25 · 04/02/2019 17:00

Please stay away - he has been bullying and gaslighting you, and has just shown you who he really is.
Keep that anger.
Why the hell is he asking for money from you?
Wishing you comfort in the days ahead.
Brew Chocolate Flowers [big chair with soft cushion emoticon please MN]