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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:
LimpidPools · 03/02/2019 19:39

You are not a bully.

He is though and worse.

purpleboy · 03/02/2019 19:42

Good for you for getting out and realising what a dire situation this is for you and your unborn child.
Do you have family or friends for support during this time? Thanks

longtimelurkerhelen · 03/02/2019 19:43

@silverpurple I sent you a private message.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 03/02/2019 19:45

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP. He's abusive, nothing you've described is bullying behaviour from you. He should want to do the nursery, he should want to cuddle you, and he should want you to feel respected and safe. The way he's speaking to you and behaving towards you is awful and there's no excuse for that when you're about to have a baby.

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 19:47

Are there other family members nearby? If you do need to go to hospital, taxis are a great idea, they’re used to this situation! Do you have neighbours where you’re staying? Could they help?

If he comes knocking, don’t answer. Take all the time you need and sort out what you want to do.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 03/02/2019 19:53

He’s abusing you. Trying to turn it round and saying you are the one that is abusive is a very common tactic, as is blaming you. Pregnancy is often like a starting pistol for abusers, but make no mistake, this is all down to him and no one else. Get out as quickly as you can before your baby gets here.

Original poster
silverpurple · 03/02/2019 20:03

I definitely won't answer but honestly, I don't think he would come over anyway. He thinks I'm weak and will come running back if he doesn't give me any attention, because I have before. But that's because I was madly in love, and I guess I do still love him but the logic has kicked in now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on egg shells and I certainly don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal or how love should be.

I've told my friend that I've left and she said to call her if I need anything hospital wise. I'm not due yet but quite anxious that it could happen soon, that probably doesn't mean anything though!

Thank you all so much. I'm so sad that I've waited until now, this has really ruined my pregnancy if I'm honest. I've cried every single day.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 03/02/2019 20:07

Well done for leaving and going somewhere safe! Good luck to you and your baby. You are right you dont deserve to be spoken to like that it's disgusting! And horrific if your child grows up seeing that... I think you have made the right decision. Stay strong! Flowers xx

Orchidflower1 · 03/02/2019 20:09

Well done for getting away from him. It can’t have been easy despite his vile behaviour. Concentrate on your pregnancy and make sure you tell your midwife what’s happened so they don’t have contact with him.?

ChasedByBees · 03/02/2019 20:12

Glad you’ve left. This is really unacceptable and absolutely not your fault. Flowers

Alondonleerie · 03/02/2019 20:30

If you go into labour, youll have plenty of time to turn it back on again before the baby actually arrives.

Sausages18 · 03/02/2019 20:39

Good luck to you and your baby. Stay strong - you are already an incredible mother and a wonderful role model for your child. Wishing you all the very best for the coming weeks and months.

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 03/02/2019 20:46

I want to add that you are doing the right thing. It happened to me. It took me til the 4th time to leave for good. I had DD4 and DS2 by then. DD had started defending me verbally from him. Don't ever go back. My dc now have supervised contact only and I know they have been damaged emotionally from when it was unsupervised as I was too intimidated to say enough is enough. You don't want that for your child.

BejamNostalgia · 03/02/2019 20:50

*FWIW, this is a planned pregnancy. He used to buy me ovulation sticks and was very much into it.... I'm just so confused! It does feel like he's angry at me 247. And I don't understand why+

Of course he wanted you to get pregnant. Because it would make you more vulnerable and it makes you and your child dependent on him so you’re easy to manipulate.

He was likely hiding his true colours until he’d tricked you into becoming barefoot and pregnant.

Twat. LYN

captainjackandjill · 03/02/2019 20:50

Stay strong (grey rock I think it's called) for you and your baby OP. I fully agree with other posters. He believes you are now trapped and he is showing you who he really is, so believe him. Abusers only escalate. If you had stayed he would get worse and could eventually treat your child horribly as well.

I don't know the laws in the UK, but I would also do as a PP said and 'NOT' put him on the birth certificate. If you do (here) then he would get shared custody of your child. The abuse would then continue as you would always be tied to him through the child. I'm sorry OP. Wishing the best for you and your DC Flowers

wigglypiggly · 03/02/2019 21:01

Block his number, does your friend want to come over and be with you, you deserve so much better than being abused by a spoilt brattish bully, keep yourself warm and you know we are here if you need us. If you need to go back to the house try and have someone with you.Flowers

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 03/02/2019 21:04

I hope you have someone who can be with you if you go into labour Flowers

Qcng · 03/02/2019 21:07

Oh noooo this is textbook, They get you pregnant then drop the nice guy act and became their true abusive self, keeping you under their control, usually more babies come along too.
Get out of there. It will escalate, he will likely get violent eventually.

Qcng · 03/02/2019 21:13

DARVO

An abuser's default when called out on their abuse

Deny (You're imagining it)
Attack (You're a bitch, you're mad)
Reverse Victim (You're bullying me)
Offend (violence/abuse)

Sound familiar?

Qcng · 03/02/2019 21:13

Glad you are safe for now x

RB68 · 03/02/2019 21:27

Just get a new sim card for the phone for now - you need to break from contact for now.

MumW · 03/02/2019 21:46

Just wanted to say well done for walkijg out.

You now need to resist the urge to go back when he starts to turn tye charm back on.

I don't think it would hurt to speak to Womens Aid and get some support and advice.

Flowers Good luck. Please stay strong.

Mmmhmmm · 03/02/2019 22:57

There are some abusive men who can control themselves Until they think they have their partner "trapped" then they show their true colours.

Glad you're leaving.

But you do need to prepare for him trying to force visitation right away once the baby is born as another way to torment/control you.

I'd see a solicitor sooner rather than later.

ItsMEhooray · 03/02/2019 22:59

What a fucker Shock please never go back, don't do that to yourself and your baby Thanks

tallwivglasses · 03/02/2019 23:54

Just caught up with this thread. OP you sound strong. I did it, you can do it. Best if luck x