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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:
Stormtrooper1986 · 05/02/2019 21:47

Please call the police - threatening to assault someone is classed as assault

Please Don’t delay with this or wait till the morning !

billybagpuss · 05/02/2019 22:23

Are you staying in the house now hope you ok

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/02/2019 22:28

Police now!! He threatened not just you but your baby.
I’m so glad you got out op. This is text book how abusive relationships start as others have said. Many because sadly they have lived it.
He will keep trying to make you feel weak and worthless to control you, because HE is weak and worthless.

PrismGuile · 05/02/2019 22:32

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.

You're heavily pregnant... he should be more in love and kinder to you than ever. He will get worse, he will make you feel bad about your body and your mothering skills, he may even endanger your baby.

Run.

PrismGuile · 05/02/2019 22:37

Sorry, I see you have run. Bloody good on you lovey x

PrismGuile · 05/02/2019 22:42

Can you get a locksmith out while he's at his mums? And call the police with evidence of the phone recording?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/02/2019 23:31

have you someone with you Op? Change the locks and make sure theres no way he can get to you and please call the police.

so sorry this has happened but try and see it as positive that its happened before your baby is here. She/he doesn't have to witness any , of this. You are very strong and are handling this so well.

Original poster
silverpurple · 05/02/2019 23:46

My friend came over and then 3 of his family members came over to see if I was ok. They were on my side but kind of dismissed his behaviour and said he just has a bad temper and doesn't mean any of it. Unfortunately I can't look at it like that.

The PP who said he not only threatened me but my child too, somehow I didn't look at it like that and now I'm even more angry.

They've taken enough clothes for a few days and I said anything else he needs they can come and collect or I can take it to one of them to pass onto him.

I'd quite happily never lay eyes on him again.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 05/02/2019 23:51

I hate all this minimising crap. He's an abusive piece of shit. Good luck OP Thanks

IAmNotAWitch · 06/02/2019 00:00

You need to call the police.

PositivelyPERF · 06/02/2019 00:22

His family are not on your side, OP. They’re the flying monkeys that have been sent to underplay his abuse of you. You need to protect your baby.

Original poster
silverpurple · 06/02/2019 00:26

I just realised how childish I sound saying on my side, what I mean is they can see that his behaviour is disgusting and agree that I haven't been bullying him in any way.

He said "I will punch you in the face".... walked over to me and pointed at me and said "you're a nasty little bully". Where's the logic in that!!!!!!

OP posts:
callieisdoingit · 06/02/2019 00:29

Tomorrow morning you ring and log everything with the police.

Wineandpyjamas · 06/02/2019 00:37

God I’m so sorry OP - it must be nightmarish to discover someone you thought you knew is actually someone very different.

You’ve done really well in removing yourself from his orbit and getting some space - often that can help clear your thoughts. Get as much support as you can from your friends/family etc. If you feel up to it, let them listen to the recordings you took.

Agree with the many other PPs who have said not to let him anywhere near the birth or the signing of the birth certificate. It sounds awful but only let those people who you really trust know when you go into labour.

That way you’ve protected your child as much as you can from their abusive crapbucket of a father and the balls are firmly in your court.

Well done and stay strong!

babyno5 · 06/02/2019 00:43

@silverpurple well done you've absolutely fine the right thing. You've protected yourself and your Bubba from a life of misery with a nasty bully. I was married to one for 8 years and last week I marked the 23rd anniversary of the birth of my stillborn twins who were born sleeping after he attacked me. We've been divorced 16 years and I have gone on to have more children but I will never ever forgive or forget what he did.
I wish you lots of love and future happiness. You are a very brave lady xxxx

Interceptor999 · 06/02/2019 00:44

OP kick his arse out, change the locks and never let anyone treat you like this again!

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 06/02/2019 00:54

"You’ve done really well in removing yourself from his orbit and getting some space - often that can help clear your thoughts. Get as much support as you can from your friends/family etc. If you feel up to it, let them listen to the recordings you took.

Agree with the many other PPs who have said not to let him anywhere near the birth or the signing of the birth certificate. It sounds awful but only let those people who you really trust know when you go into labour.

That way you’ve protected your child as much as you can from their abusive crapbucket of a father and the balls are firmly in your court. "

Agreed. Log it all with the police, and show them your evidence too. Well done for having that presence of mind and strength. You're doing great.

Teapot1984 · 06/02/2019 01:18

You're back in yours and your baby's home.Do not let him back through that door,call a locksmith and change the locks and pack his stuff up and ask a family member or friend to drop it off at his mums of wherever he's staying.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 06/02/2019 01:23

The most important thing to do first is call the police! If your ex has a key then he could let himself into your home at any time, you are very vulnerable and he has shown you exactly what he is capable of! You need a restraining order! You also need support from Woman’s Aid, advice on how to protect you and your baby and any occupancy orders.

I would make sure that you have everything that you and baby need at a family members home, BEFORE you go into labour. I would also still go and stay with family for now. Your ex could potentially re enter your home when you are away and refuse you entry- so don’t leave anything that you or baby will need if possible.

I would also if possible, not pass ANY information about you or your baby, to any mutual friends or any of his family. I would put a blanket ban on any of your family or close friends sharing any news about your baby on social media either. The safety of you and your baby trumps anyone’s excitement to share your good news.

Please do tell your midwife, so she can fully support you! Midwives work with victims of domestic violence all the time, they will not judge you or think you a bad Mother! If anything your leaving your ex shows that you are putting your babies safety first! I bet your midwife already has doubts about your partner!

I’m sure that your midwife will make them aware, but I would also inform the hospital midwives that you have an abusive ex. If need be your birth partner can do this for you. If they know, then they can make sure that your ex gets no access to you or your baby in the hospital itself.

You have shown so much bravery and courage OP, please keep yourself and your baby safe! The police can make sure of this and can set you up for an urgent response should your ex turn up at your home! Don’t underestimate him, he is capable of everything he threatened and so much more unfortunately so stay close to friends and family if you can just now.

Bellasorellaa · 06/02/2019 02:08

I could of wrote this but not my experience a friend of mine and turned out her partner was gay seeking men behind her back and couldn’t deal with his sexuality so took it out on her

ciderhouserules · 06/02/2019 07:47

Wow Bella - you 'could have' written this - but of a completely different scenario? Hmm

Being gay doesn't make people violent thugs. Being a violent thug does.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/02/2019 07:57

Please inform the police - you have proof of his threatening behaviour.

And you cannot trust ANYONE in his family. They are on his side, not yours.

Stormtrooper1986 · 06/02/2019 08:38

Thing what’s going to happen when the baby is born ? Are you going to be happy to let him look after the child? If nothing has been logged with police / social services there will be no reason for them to be concerned about him looking after the child. Unfortunately he rights and youneed to do the following ASAP
a) need to get legal advice from a family solicitor as to custody when baby is here. You can also get a non-molestation order vi a solicitor .
b) speak to your midwife and or social services - they need to be aware also - what halls when you go into labour? You need to inform hospital that he’s not allowed In. This is all going to help towards custody agreements etc as this is more than likely going to go to court eventually
c) you need to call the police !!! Not too sure why you are delaying this ? If it was another woman in your situation what would you advise them ? Probably to go to the police !
There are things they can help you with!

Please don’t delay with this! What is to stop him coming back to the house?

When baby is here what is to stop him taking custody and walking away??? Legally if no court order in place etc police can’t do anything and you will be without baby !

I’m genuinely not trying to scare you but you need to protect yourself and your child! Xxx

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/02/2019 09:11

Hi OP

Just wanted to say how much I admire you, you've done something incredibly difficult and brave at a very vulnerable time, and absolutely done the best thing for you and your child. I have no doubt you'll be very glad this happened now, it's so much harder when the baby is there

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, make sure you send all the evidence to someone else as well as backup or save somewhere else. Please go to the police as well as you don't know if you will need some 'official' evidence one day.

Can't believe his relatives have dismissed threatening to punch you when pregnant is a bit of a temper! It sounds like you have lots of support around you though

Best of luck

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/02/2019 09:12

Also please change the locks asap