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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:
CharlieBrowns1987 · 06/02/2019 23:41

His next step will be to turn up at your house. Please, please completely secure your home. Bolt or chain the door, and if you haven’t done so already ring a locksmith first thing tomorrow and get the locks changed immediately.

WellVersedInEtiquette · 07/02/2019 12:02

He's panicking. He's used to you just going along with his abuse. He's seeing that you have seen him for who he is and he's crapping himself that he's losing control of you. That's what this is. Not love. Control.
He may up the charm offensive with gifts between outbursts of abuse. He'll tell you he's sorry and it won't happen again and then blame you and say you'll not get better than him. Like someone said it's an abusers script. You are better and stronger away.
Imagine if you have a daughter and she sees him treat you in this manner. She will see that as normal and accept it when she's older and in a relationship. If you have a son he will see that as how you treat women.
Away from his influences you can raise a strong, respectful individual and you will raise them far away from that kind of abuse.

SCD19 · 07/02/2019 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluerussian · 07/02/2019 12:08

If you can get finances in order, get rid of him; either leave or make sure he leaves. I know you are staying with relatives at the moment but you need something more permanent.

No-one should speak to anyone as he has been speaking to you, especially not a partner who is pregnant.

If he changes, is genuinely sorry and prepared to make an effort, you can leave the door open but on your terms & only if you want to. I know at the moment you are just glad not to be with him, you've been decisive and brave.

Good luck Flowers

Stardustinmyeyes · 07/02/2019 12:18

SCD19

Is your post some kind of a joke?
Or are you a really callous individual?
Either way grow up and develop some empathy

Magenta82 · 07/02/2019 12:31

@SCD19 does your project involve some kind of ethics considerations? Because I would say you failed that part.

helpconfused · 07/02/2019 12:56

I thought you had blocked him? Don't reply. Don't let him back. You will be much happier and safer, you need to put you and your baby first. This behavior is in him, he has shown it when you are at your most vulnerable. Change the locks. Contact womens aid. Tell the midwife. You may be allocated an IDVA, they are a great support.
Please keep trying to stay positive and look at if as if it were your sister/a friend that this happened to and the advice you would give them. It's a hard thing to do but I did it. Feel free to message me.
You need to tell your family. I did, after 11 years. Noone knew which meant when I needed help during that time I couldn't ask for it.

Mmmhmmm · 07/02/2019 13:21

He will only get worse if you took him back.

Protect yourself and your baby OP. Flowers

billybagpuss · 07/02/2019 13:58

He’s been fed what he wants to hear by his family who are probably now also panicked that they will be shut out of the gc life. You need to open up to your family completely. I’m pleased you sister knows but get your support network in place as well as the more practical things.

Stormtrooper1986 · 07/02/2019 16:35

Op is there a reason you have not called the police ?????

IAmNotAWitch · 07/02/2019 19:53

Call the police. Then call a lawyer and stop reading/listening to him and his family.

Stop crying, get angry and protect your child.

LordTubbington90 · 07/02/2019 22:21

@silverpurple how has today been?

Original poster
silverpurple · 08/02/2019 08:14

I'm ok, felt awful yesterday really tired and drained so just shut my phone off and allowed myself the day to catch up on sleep and food to be honest. Feel like I need to join the real world again today.

No news from him or his family, and my friend will be here tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to that. I guess I just have to take each day as it comes?

Thank you all so much for your support x

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 08/02/2019 08:30

Just rtft OP. You have been amazingly strong. I'm glad your support network now know about this twat.

I am so glad he has stuck to the abusers script and you have seen from the experience of others how predictable he was going to be.

Stay strong OP. You and your child are better off without this pig of a man around.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/02/2019 08:35

Start today by calling the police and getting all of this on record, take their advice if they offer any protective orders.

Change your locks. Your friend can help you with that, it's fairy cheap and easy to get new inner tumbler things from B+Q etc

Block him and his family from everything and don't unblock them for any reason.

But start with the police and your HV, midwife etc. You HAVE TO SAFEGUARD YOUR FUTURE dealings with him. If you don't formally record his behaviour you won't be able to stop him dragging you through courts for access etc. making you look like the bad guy for blocking him for no reason at all!

Stop crying, stay angry and let that get you through making his shite behaviour as public as you can. For you own future sanity, happiness, you have to be proactive about this!

RestingBitchFaced · 08/02/2019 08:36

You poor thing - you have absolutely done the right thing by getting rid of that nasty piece of shit.

Just remember anything that he says/does is on him, he is responsible for his actions, and what comes out of his mouth. You didn't make him do/say any of it. Typical abusive behaviour is trying to blame you for his actions. He sounds vile, look after yourself OP, you have had some good advice on here

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2019 09:02

Have you reported him to the police yet?

Original poster
silverpurple · 09/02/2019 17:56

I did call the police, I said that in a previous post. And I've spoken to my health visitor who was extremely supportive.

Have blocked the whole family for now so I can focus on myself. Already starting to feel much better, I actually feel like half a person again rather than someone's hypothetical punch bag. It's amazing because I actually remember now that I actually quite like myself, I can be fun and calm - I'd forgotten.

Don't get me wrong, I am still gutted at what's gone on and I know there's so much to sort an decide, but at the minute I'll just enjoy this for what it is, a good day after a vile week x

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 09/02/2019 18:08

Thats good news @silver stay strong

WellVersedInEtiquette · 09/02/2019 18:55

That sounds like a great start. There are going to be ups and downs but you are doing brilliantly x

GiBlues · 12/02/2019 15:08

Just caught up, hope you had a better weekend with your friend and now you can start concentrating on you and your baby.

babyno5 · 12/02/2019 15:55

@silverpurple so glad you're starting to feel better in yourself.
It's a huge shock when your whole future changes. Yes there will be hurdles along the way but you'll get there. Much better to be happy on your own with your baby than miserable in a relationship. Let your family help and support you as much as they can.
I've been a single mum twice-my partner left when I was pregnant with my first and later my marriage broke down when I had 3 DC's. There is nothing to fear. You'll be a great mum to your little bubba soon.
Sending you lots and lots of love 💐💐 xxx

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2019 17:01

Just seen this OP.
Well done on taking action to protect yourself and your DC so quickly.
Tell everyone you can. This is not your shame.
You need some love and support and you deserve it too.
Stay strong!

Totaldogsbody · 12/02/2019 17:17

Silverpurple I've just read your messages on here, until recently my daughter was in a very unhealthy relationship, he was very controlling nothing she could do was ever enough for him. She lost contact with friends, he made her feel ugly, he didn't work and she ended up paying all the bill's, buying his tobacco, alcohol. She was walking on eggshells all of the time. I tried to get her to leave him but knew she would only do so when the time was right for her. Thankfully that time came in December and she left him and came home to stay with us again, she now looks back 2 months out of this relationship and can't believe she let him away with what she had. She has gained some of the confidence she lost, feels so much happier in herself and even contacted friends she lost through him. I'm just letting you know through this that life gets better. You are looking forward to one of the happiest experiences one can have, I can imagine this looks even more daunting without him but don't give in, you don't need him. My DD cried herself to sleep at first but although she still misses the nice times with him, apparently there were some, she knows that the relationship was poisonous and she's far better off without him. I wish you and your child every happiness in the future and as babyno5 said you'll be a great mum . Good luck Flowers

babyno5 · 12/02/2019 20:57

@Totaldogsbody it's so good that your daughter has come home to you. Away from a controlling relationship. It must be such a relief to you to have her safe. Great that she is rebuilding relationships with her friends. Good luck to her xx