Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:
OMGithurts · 04/02/2019 17:06

You can't put a father on the birth cert if they don't attend the registration appointment, unless they are married to the mother.

It isn't a barrier to claiming maintenance and nor should it be, otherwise it would be WAY too easy for feckless men to dodge maintenance by refusing to come to register the birth.

OP good luck. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing Flowers

PettyContractor · 04/02/2019 17:21

Apparently you can still claim maintenance if he’s not on the certificate. To be honest I don’t agree with that, but I can understand if some mothers need the money to get by

If he's the father, she can get maintenance. If he wants to deny he's the father to avoid maintenance, he'll have to take a DNA test, which will prove he is.

Similarly, as far as I know, if he wants parental rights, he can get them by going to court.

So in a sense it's fair, both sides have the legal option to have the truth that he's the father recognised, even if he isn't on the birth certificate.

LucyAutumn · 04/02/2019 18:03

Well done OP. Do you have anybody trustworthy who can come with you to collect anything else you need?

Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 18:28

I went back to get some clothes with my friend, she stayed in the car and he was so nasty. He told me it's all my fault because I'm trying to control him and bully him and that everyone knows what I'm really like.

I started to cry and he told me I was pathetic. I'm absolutely devastated. All I've done is try to make this work and I feel like he's ruined my life. I keep thinking I wish I'd never met him but then I wouldn't have this amazing child on the way. It's honestly the worst time of my life right now.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 04/02/2019 18:39

Flowers you are not pathetic you are brave and strong... and he knows that that's why hes losing his shit and trying everything he can to control you. You have totally done the right thing in getting out now.

Like pp said do not be guilted into putting him on the birth certificate or letting him know when you are in labour.. he is abusive and will likely use these things to control you.
If he is interested in the child and wants to be a good dad he needs to go through the courts to prove that. If you just take him with you to certify the birth he will not have to do anything to prove his good intentions and would get parental rights (such as being able to prevent you from moving or going abroad, choosing schools, medical appointments etc) which he very well may use to further abuse and control you rather than to actually help the child.

You do not owe this man who has treated you appallingly, anything.

Look to the future and this wonderful child that you love.
I honestly think you are incredibly brave. I know from experience how hard it is to get out if the clutches of an abuser.

Bluetrews25 · 04/02/2019 19:22

OP, yes, this is bad, but it will get better from here on. May not be a smooth trajectory, but the overall trend will be for better times.
Take comfort from knowing that he will seriously show himself up to friends when he tells them his side. They will be Shock Hmm

Rockmysocks · 04/02/2019 20:25

You're brave and strong and lovely. He's being a total shit and arsewipe. Please don't cave in to him. He won't be happy till he has you back under his control and then he'll make you pay for causing him this inconvenience and loss of face.

Keep all the nasty texts he sends to you to remind yourself of what he's really like and to show the courts when he makes some attempt to take the baby off you because he'll be a stellar dad and you'd be a dirt bucket mum.

Stay strong, You'll come out of this stronger, saner and safer.

Senioritafamiglia · 04/02/2019 20:53

Hey. I've been through this. It was horrible. The worst thing was I felt so vulnerable and just couldn't / didn't want to believe it was really happening to me I didn't leave when 8 months pregnant. I stayed and endured 4 more years and another hellish pregnancy with him. I got pregnant again because he was nice to me for about a year and I thought things were ok again - how wrong was I. I left when dd was 1 and ds was 5. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm still going through it now - he has 50 50 shared care with me and won't let me speak to them when they are with him / makes it impossible by never answering the phone etc. I cant move away for the next 14 years at least due to the care arrangements. I'm not unhappy with my life, far from it - but how much less would I have endured if I had walked away and not put him on the birth cert? That's probably a bit of fantasy on my part as I can't imagine ever actually doing that but wow would my life be easier if he wasn't in it.

Im so sorry your partner turned out to be an abusive arsehole. It's such a shame. Try not to waste any more time or emotionally energy on this dickwad and focus on yourself and your child.

Flowers

Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 21:25

He's just informed me that I should realise how lucky I am to have someone like him. It worries me that he genuinely believes that.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/02/2019 21:29

If being with him makes you "lucky" I'd hate to see bad luck. As you say the only good thing to come out of it is the baby.

longtimelurkerhelen · 04/02/2019 21:37

@silverpurple

Please read the book I sent you a link to in a message. It might go someway to explaining his behavior and that it is not you but him who is pathetic.

Best wishes. Flowers

Ratbagcatbag · 04/02/2019 21:38

I hope you're ok Op. It must have been a shock to realise what he's like.

I'm another echoing give the baby your surname, no matter how nice he switches to being, please please give them your surname.

Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 22:35

Definitely giving baby my surname. And thanks a lot for the tips on the birth certificate, I had no idea about all of that. He's the type who'd make my life as hard as possible so it's really useful.

I'm so sad I've had to leave my home. I pay for 90% of that place and I love it there. I'd started my child's nursery and it's just so annoying to have it all snatched away.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 04/02/2019 22:41

What the housing situation like? Own? Rent?

MouseUtopia · 04/02/2019 22:54

Okay, you're doing really well. You need to be prepared for him to start criticising your mental health. This is another tactic that they all seem to use. Please do not listen to any of it and don't let it get to you. This is important. He's the one with the problem and not you. You need to view him as just something to be dealt with and not a reasonable human being. Practise being a grey rock and remain calm with no tears or signs of emotion if you do encounter him. He will use any emotional displays against you. Get everything in writing, keep all evidence of abuse and treat him like an annoying and stupid business associate in that you don't have to do what he says, you don't have to consider him in any decisions and you don't owe him anything. He has no special powers over you. He's a pathetic and pointless individual. You're strong and capable.

Original poster
silverpurple · 04/02/2019 23:30

I've blocked him on everything now so he can't give me any more grief. I've screen shotted everything and got videos of him shouting at me that he doesn't know about.

I don't know how, but I am going to get my house back and get away from this man. I truly hate him for this.

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 04/02/2019 23:41

A) speak to women's aid asap
B) Alert your midwifery team, GP, etc about the abuse
C) get a consultation with a solicitor, you have evidence
D) you've done the right thing and the nursery is nothing in the scheme of things.

I had decorated 2/3 of my exs house and done most of my DDs room. I have FMS and chronic fatigue so it was hell. Took me ages to put that behind me, so much anger needs to come out.

You can also call the non emergency police number and report him, as this will also help.

bullyingadvice2017 · 04/02/2019 23:51

Get away from him. Run for the hills. Keep your self and your baby safe. Being with him is not safe. Not now and not ever.
Don't believe his bullying bullshit. You could have the nicest house in the world. But it's not worth it. Even if you end up somewhere shitty. Honestly that's a million times better than the option of your child being around him. And don't name him!! Get into a solicitor ASAP. Know your rights and don't be bullied.

Original poster
silverpurple · 05/02/2019 00:39

@bullyingadvice2017 you're right. I think I'm just going to get all of my stuff and stay at my relatives for as long as possible. I just can't see me being able to get my own place on maternity pay and that frightens me.

Although, not nearly as much as staying with him.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 05/02/2019 18:30

How have you been today, OP?

Original poster
silverpurple · 05/02/2019 21:08

Very bad. I came home today to get some stuff and it went terribly. I wrongly assumed he'd be at work but he hasn't gone in.

He went crazy at me, told me he hates me and wishes we weren't having the baby. Then threatened to smash my car up, then said he was going to punch me, and then smashed the house up (well my stuff, including my tv). I had my phone on record in my pocket so I've got the whole thing.

I was petrified so text his mom asking her to come over, he thought I'd text my dad so stomped out the house.

He's at his moms now and she's text me that she's made him a cuppa and he's watching the tv?????!!!!!!! I'm sorry is he a child that's been sent home from school unwell?😡

I was crying and shaking for about an hour but then my friends came over and we've had a really good chat and now I'm just disgusted and very angry. I'm trying to take the positive that at least I will never, ever forgive him for this. Threatening to punch your heavily pregnant partner? I'm just disgusted 😰

OP posts:
LittleLannister · 05/02/2019 21:23

Call the police OP! Get it logged! He is abusing you!!!

Lilimoon · 05/02/2019 21:24

Have you contacted your midwife or any other professional support OP? Please do asap. x

Handmethegin · 05/02/2019 21:31

Ring the police OP. Get a restraining order against this bully. I note he left when he thought your dad might come round. What a coward.

Isthisit22 · 05/02/2019 21:43

Call the police. It will help you in the future if he tries for custody etc.
Can you stay in your house now? Whose name is it in? Can you change the locks?
Take care of yourself 💐