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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being swore at and called names isn't my fault?

183 replies

silverpurple · 03/02/2019 16:09

The last couple of months my partner has completely changed towards me. Every time I ask him a question I get a mouthful about how I'm trying to control him, I genuinely don't believe I'm a controlling person. He accuses me of bullying him, emotionally abusing him, and constantly calls me a bitch and worse.

I've asked him so many times to stop calling me names and telling me to F off, and he says it's not possible for him to stop because it's my fault I make him so angry.

The way I make him angry is because I am heavily pregnant and getting no support from him. He's stopped wanting sex which I can deal with ... but now he just doesn't want to speak to me at all. I tell him how unhappy I am and how much I miss him and he just starts shouting at me.

I've said I'd rather leave than continue like this and he tells me I'm ridiculous and there's nothing wrong.

Now, surely. Even if I was being super annoying which I may well be to be honest I am struggling with this pregnancy.... it's not ok to speak to me like that? And actually, isn't he the one acting like a bully? I feel like everything I do is wrong. I was driving, admittedly very slowly because of the ice and he went insane at me telling me to effing hurry up. Am I being gas lighted here? And what the hell has happened to him?

He really wasn't like this before!

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/02/2019 09:25

good luck to you and your baby

Original poster

silverpurple · 06/02/2019 17:56

Sorry I haven't responded I feel like I'm in a daze. Can't stop thinking about what could have happened if he didn't think my dad was coming over.

I'm just so upset that someone I love so much would do this to me, and our baby. No acknowledgement of any wrong doing either. It's disgusting :(

OP posts:

bullyingadvice2017 · 06/02/2019 18:14

Don't let him back. I do hope this post turns into one where you pop back on a year from now to say your settled with your dc somewhere safe and enjoying your baby. Unfortunately all to many end with the horrible feeling that the op went back for more. With their kids in tow.
Horrible men don't change. And if you go back to them it makes it all the harder to leave again! Keep strong op

callieisdoingit · 06/02/2019 18:21

Did you log it with the police?

Original poster

silverpurple · 06/02/2019 19:32

Yeah I have, and now I'm sort of being made to feel like it wasn't a big deal. I haven't told my family because I'm worried how they'll react. But his family seem to think it was a storm in a tea cup and that I'm being dramatic not allowing him home.

I'm very aware I'm not being dramatic, he trashed my home and threatened me.

I don't know why but I do wish he'd have apologised or acknowledged his wrong doing. Although I guess it does make me more determined to keep him away from my child.

OP posts:

CharlieBrowns1987 · 06/02/2019 19:45

I'm being dramatic not allowing him home

Has he even expressed any wish to come home?

Original poster

silverpurple · 06/02/2019 19:50

@CharlieBrowns1987 not at all, he hasn't tried to contact me in any way. This is the thing, I'm getting messages from the family but that's not to say he's even with them and it's his opinion.

The fact he hasn't attempted to apologise tells me he doesn't want to come home anyway, and the feeling is quite mutual! I just hope I don't start to weaken as the days go on.

OP posts:

4TeensAndABaby · 06/02/2019 20:01

Didn’t want to read and run OP. I think you’ve been incredibly strong through this.
I’ve been in this situation, and I promise you, they don’t change. They will make all the promises in the world, but it only gets worse.
FWIW, I would look at getting an occupation order, and non molestation order (preferably with a power of arrest). You may be entitled to legal aid as this is a domestic violence issue. It will stop him coming into your home and threatening violence. Give Women’s Aid a call, they’re amazing.
Good luck with everything!

pantyclaws · 06/02/2019 20:03

Stay strong. You must feel so confused and hurt but you must stay strong for your baby now that he's shown you his true colours. He's a violent, horrible man and will

It is utterly awful and I'm sorry you are being made to feel like it's not a big deal. It definitely is.

The one silver lining is that this has happened now, rather than once baby was born with his name on birth certificate etc.

PositivelyPERF · 06/02/2019 20:13

He doesn’t have to apologise, OP, because he has his family downplaying his abuse. In his head, he thinks that if he apologises, then he’s admitting that he’s is the wrong and an abuser. Make no mistake, they aren’t working for your best interests. Stop communicating with them. You don’t need them in your life. I assure you, if you do that, then you’ll see their true intentions.

yorkiemummy · 06/02/2019 20:26

I'm sorry this has happened OP his family will stand by him, my violent ex's family stood by him and believed his lies over me, it's hard but you have done the right thing for your child

Original poster

silverpurple · 06/02/2019 20:31

I've just heard from him, they're all saying that it's basically okay what he's done because I must have provoked him. I'm absolutely distraught now 😭

Why is it that he's surrounded by support and I'm all alone because I'm too scared to tell people what he's done? This is the worst feeling on earth.

OP posts:

PositivelyPERF · 06/02/2019 20:39

Because they’re all a shower of enabling bastards that want him back with you, so they don’t have to deal with him. They.don’t.want.him! They want him out of their hair, because he’s probably an irritating little scrot that annoys the fuck out of him. It’s not about supporting him, it’s about getting shot of him.

purpleworms · 06/02/2019 20:42

OP you need to tell your family. You say you hope you won't start to weaken as the days go on but with only his family in your ear minimising his behaviour, what else will happen?

You need to tell your family and let them be angry at him and horrified and upset to reinforce that you are absolutely making the right decision. You literally need all the support you can get

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2019 20:44

Why have you not told your family. You need to tell someone - if you dont think your family will support you then tell a friend. You do not need to go through this alone!

If course they are going to support him - he is their 'baby' and it is about HIS baby to them. They want him back with you so that they get their share of the baby!

Twillow · 06/02/2019 20:48

Family have little choice but to stand by their own, I think it plays mind games and makes them downplay the truth. It hurts and it's unfair, but you can't do anything about it so put it aside. You don;t want him in your life so him and his family are irrelevant to your well being and healing. Focus on YOUR future. Find someone to confide in - casual friend, neighbour if not family - see how you just started a conversation here without all the details at first and how much support you have got. Real life WILL be like that too. My best friend after separating from an abusive relationship is someone I went out for a drink with because our children were in the same class. I hinted at the details and she told me her story which was similar but I'd had no idea of. You'll be surprised how many women this has happened to. And we've all suffered from guilt and shame and kept it hidden.
Call women's aid for a chat, see if there is a domestic abuse charity near you, go and see your doctor and tell them what you are going through, they may have contacts too. Read books or surf the internet to find out more about domestic abuse. DON'T let yourself think that because you haven't got a sterotypical black eye that it isn't genuine.
Be kind and caring to yourself, Build up your mental and physical strength. Plan ahead - block in treats and events to make your life forward looking and positive, so you avoid the tendency to slip backwards.
You got this!

WellVersedInEtiquette · 06/02/2019 20:52

Please reach out to your family. If you weaken and go back this will happen again and again.
I can't remember who the quote is by but it goes something like 'when someone shows you who they are believe them'

DangermousesSidekick · 06/02/2019 21:56

My father was a foul-tempered git who used to call my mother names 'as a joke', occasionally throw things through windows, and whenever I objected called me all the usual things, for the great white male has spoke and must always be right.

You've been amazingly brave to leave, and it is the right decision. Have you had the locks changed yet? Look after yourself. Not to scare you, but I think you should be warned: it has been said that they are at their most dangerous when you leave.

DangermousesSidekick · 06/02/2019 22:03

Stickied thread at the top of Relationships section www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody?pg=1

Original poster

silverpurple · 06/02/2019 22:24

He messaged me again to say it was over and that it's all my fault and I owe him an apology. I kind of lost it and couldn't stop crying so I called my sister because I didn't want to be alone.

I've just told her exactly what happened and she was so nice. She's gone home now so I'm alone again and really struggling to be honest. I know this isn't my fault but I can't help wondering why this is happening to me :( I want to stay strong and stop crying for my child but I'm really finding it quite tough.

Please tell me it will get easier 😰

OP posts:

DangermousesSidekick · 06/02/2019 22:32

It will get easier in time. A bit of time away and unaffected by his gaslighting, and you'll be wondering why you stuck it for so long.

Please turn off the phone for now and don't bother answering. You owe him nothing whatsoever.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 06/02/2019 22:43

He’s trying to weaken you. So you feel it’s your fault and then you will feel so greatful if he takes you back. He wants to control you. He has always been like this. Abusers are masters at their craft. This is not your fault.

His next move may well be the sympathy card. He’s “was stressed, loves you, would never do that again, will get help, wants you to be s family”. Please see through this if it happens. His abuse WILL get worse.

You don’t want him, you don’t need him, you are better than him. This will get easier. Rinse and repeat.

Original poster

silverpurple · 06/02/2019 22:58

The last 20 minutes have been insane.

I was crying a lot and very upset as I said in PP.

Then my best friend who lives in another city called to tell me she's booked to come and stay with me for the weekend, which is so thoughtful and amazing and really cheered me up.

Got off the phone to 13 messages from him telling me he's sorry he scared me, he would never leave me and everything is going to be ok?

I've completely stopped crying because I am so beyond shocked. This is exactly what you guys said would happen and I didn't believe it because I thought he was actually just going to end it and walk away and blame me. If anything I'm angrier now, scrolling through the conversation I can see his manipulation unfolding. I really need to get stronger and see it for what it is!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 06/02/2019 23:12

Stop unblocking him to read them.

Literally it's an abusers script he's using. Never speak to him again. Secure your house. Never speak to his family again.

You must protect yourself and your unborn child.

Oldstyle · 06/02/2019 23:12

You are doing so well OP. Anger is strength so please hang on to it, and keep scrolling / listening to the recording if it helps to keep you angry. Whatever it takes to keep him out of your life. Great that your friend is coming. You can do this!

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