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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown adults getting upset over Facebook isn't normal.

362 replies

FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 13:54

I know I'm not being unreasonable, 99% sure of it, but I'm losing my mind over the incredulous nature of this. I'm dumbstruck that this is an issue and need advice.

I had a falling out with a relative on my husband's side. I shared a meme about enjoying solitude and liking my own company and they thought it was targeted at them, I explained that it wasn't but they weren't having it. I ignored their behaviour because honestly I was baffled that a grown adult would read that into someone's post let alone accuse them of it to their face.

I subsequently placed that person on restricted to avoid future arguments. I don't like Facebook drama, or this sort of drama in general and have no time for it, so I did this to ensure it wouldn't happen again.

They have found out I've done this and gone bazerk. Calling me childish, rude, that I'm picking on them, that I hate them.

I really hate this sort of thing. Short of deleting my entire profile, which I don't see why I should have to do, I don't know how to resolve this without that person being offended.

Were they not a relative of my husband's I'd tell them to sod off. I've never met adults like this!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:37

@newnameforthis7 you are not actually joking are you?

Those of you arguing against the OP look at the posts from @newnameforthis7 you are supporting this type of ill informed prejudice. You are encouraging people to pick on non NT people because they don't behave in a way accepted by society.

Be very careful because do you really want this type of I'll informed attitude prevailing? Let's laugh at people who are different and who have different values and attitudes.

newnameforthis7 · 03/02/2019 20:38

Nothing like discrimination against non NT people for full on hilarity.

Are we laughing at people in wheelchairs next?

Oh FGS give over will you moussemoose! You sound ridiculous now! And keep your passive aggressive guilt tripping bollocks to yourself. It doesn't work on me sorry luv. I save my empathy and pity for people who deserve it.

If someone is such a fragile flower that they can't accept 95% of posters telling them they are being unreasonable (on AIBU) then they best stay off the damn forum.

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 20:39

MaisyPopsyou work in education. Would you treat a non NT student the way way you are treating the OP?
Would you suggest an Aspergers student reacts and behaves in a way a NT student would?
Not in every situation. Of course people respond differently.

There are times when a child on the ASD spectrum misjudges situations and lacks self awareness regarding personal situations. Certain strategies are used and we work with the child to best support them developing personal interactions.

The crucial difference between that and the OP is the OP has been quite open about being blunt, not doing social niceties, has asked if she has been unreasonable, has been told she is, continued to argue that's not the case and so on. They realised what they posted has upset someone and their response was to continue arguing the problem was with everyone else, not their actions. That's someone with enough self awareness to realise they are being rude and then having a go at the world for finding the behaviour rude.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:40

chicken2015 you are attempting to explain the nuance to the OP. Many other posters are just assuming they are right and she is wrong. That NT is always right and anything else is wrong. Oh and in the case of some posters why don't we have a laugh at her while we are at it.

newnameforthis7 · 03/02/2019 20:42

switchadoodledingdong

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:42

Yep living life as a person with Aspergers makes you a "fragile flower" .

You are not struggling to live in a world where you are misunderstood you are just fragile. You don't deserve any empathy just a bit of sneering.

For fucks sake.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 03/02/2019 20:43

Tell her to grow up and move on. She clearly takes things personally.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:45

@MaisyPops so there are some situations you would suggest an Aspergers student tries to be NT?

You would recommend an Aspergers student is not true to who they are but does what they can to blend in?

A student with ASD spectrum misjudges situations or they behave in a way they think is appropriate and so you support them.

Wow. Hope those none NT kids learn how to behave the 'right way'.

Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 20:45

I'm fragile? I'm not the one offended at non specific posts on someone's page.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:46

FacebookFeud exactly you weren't snivelling and complaining.

Stay strong and ignore the bleating.

Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 20:47

I'm really open about having Aspergers as well. I even told my husband when we'd only been together a short while so that he could make an educated decision about whether that's something he's okay with or not.

NTs have the entire world. I really don't see why I should have to moderate my own sodding profile for them too.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 20:48

@MaisyPopsso there are some situations you would suggest an Aspergers student tries to be NT?
I haven't said that.
You would recommend an Aspergers student is not true to who they are but does what they can to blend in?
I haven't said that.

A student withASD spectrum misjudges situationsor they behave in a way they think is appropriate and soyou support them.
Yes. Because the world is a social place and part of life is that EVERYONE has to learn how to interact and rub along with others.
Wow. Hope those none NT kids learn how to behave the 'right way'.
What?

You're becoming increasingly nonsensical in your arguments.

Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 20:48

And I've said repeatedly I have no problem with people not liking me or deciding I'm not someone they want to spend time with. You can't be everyones cup of tea. And that's fine.

Demanding I change for them however is entitled.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kirstiesmith1234 · 03/02/2019 20:49

I had this too. SIL complained to DP that I hadn't 'liked' her photos one Facebook......... I have a baby and better things to do than worry about what other people do on Facebook. Deleted my Facebook for a while after this!!!!

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 20:51

MaisyPops I don't think you and I are that far apart. We both appreciate the difficulties faced by non NT people.

However, there are posters on this thread who are showing some very unpleasant disability discrimination. If you are not NT then you are wrong. Anyone supporting non NT people are foolish.

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 20:52

Demanding I change for them however is entitled
Sigh. Except that's not what people are saying.

They're saying that in life it's probably good to stop and think before posting passive aggressive stuff on social media.

Nobody is saying you have to have a personality transplant, just pause for 10 seconds before posting on social media.

Ribbonsonabox · 03/02/2019 20:53

I'm NT and I agree with the OP
I dont think it has anything to do with that tbh... I think it has to do with how you use and view social media! Personally I view my page as being an expression of what I'm thinking/enjoying/doing at that moment and people can look and see if they are interested to know.
It's not directed at anyone... if I post a meme it's because I've seen it and thought it was funny... the situation op describes has actually happened to me before and it was complete paranoia on the other persons side. I was definitely not thinking of her when I posted it yet got a torrent of abuse for it... so i totally believe that that can happen by accident and OP was not being passive aggressive on purpose...
You need to bear in mind too that people have different groups of friends and numbers of friends.... i have over a thousand friends so over a thousand people could see that meme... the person who got offended had a small number of friends.... so the thing is she then assumes whatever people post is aimed at specific friends, because if you only have a few friends on social media then you will probably be thinking of their specific reactions when you post things.... because you know your probable audience...
But if you have loads of people on your feed and that you are on the feed of you are most likely not envisioning a specific audience at all because that's not how you personally use Facebook.

It's best just to not take anything posted on social media personally. If you are incredibly sensitive it's probably best not to be on there.
I dont think op is being unreasonable at all. As long as the things she is posting are not sexist, racist homophobic etc or inciting violence, she has an absolute right to express her sense of humour. If someone doesn't find it funny they can unfollow her or even not be friends in the first place.
To actually get offended about a meme and communicate that to her.. but the react badly at the thought they will no longer get to see everything she posts, is very controlling... not reasonable at all imo.

newnameforthis7 · 03/02/2019 20:55

Stop engaging with her maisypops. This thread has gone batshit now.

Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 20:56

Personally I view my page as being an expression of what I'm thinking/enjoying/doing at that moment and people can look and see if they are interested to know.

That's exactly how I view mine. Like an interactive snapshot of me, and people are welcome to see it if they wish but they're not welcome to burst in and start moaning.

OP posts:
importantkath · 03/02/2019 20:56

My DH and Ds1 are both autistic. If they posted this in the context of just having turned out an invitation, I would tell them it was hurtful and impolite, and ask them to take it down.

I am 99.9% sure that they would do so, and then we would talk about it.

It is exhausting sometimes explaining all the intricate ins and outs of social interaction that remains a mystery to them, but our family, friends and colleagues are for the most part, incredibly accommodating and respectful of their needs.

That said, they do accept that sometimes, even if they do not understand fully, that they may not be right.

Being on the spectrum is not an excuse for being rude.

You have asked if YABU.

You have been told by the majority (and I have to side with them) that you are. It wasn't a very funny meme, and your response to someone telling you that their feelings were hurt, was also unkind.

If I were you, rather than arguing with strangers over the internet, I would be thinking how to apologize, and state that you never intended to hurt their feelings.

And then move on. This isn't worth the hassle.

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 20:57

Moussemoose
I don't think it's a case of if you aren't NT then you are wrong.

I do think that if someone has enough awareness to comment on their actions and personality the way the OP does then they are not lacking in self awareness (in the way, for example, a 13 year old child with ASD would). Consequently, it's more than reasonable that they spend a few moments considering their actions. If someone is self aware to find memes about their actions funny and ask people's views, then they are able to stop and reflect. In this situation, the OP doesnt want to. As it stands they are doing whatever and then blaming the world and taking no responsibility before declaring 'oh that's why I don't do people', rather than accepting they have agency and can decide how they wish to act.

To dismiss that (not saying you are) as 'oh but aspergers' does a massive disservice to all the people out there who have aspergers or are on the spectrum.

newnameforthis7 · 03/02/2019 20:57

Well said @importantkath

chicken2015 · 03/02/2019 20:58

Im not necessary saying everything a NT does should be expected of a non NT mind, however i dont think its a bad think trying to explain and learn NT way in the world, especially in things that might help them make sense of , i have very a very personal link to this, i am in early stages of getting my 2 yr old diagnosed with autism, she is showing very clear signs, one of her main concerns is lack of acknowledgement when me or anyone speaks to her. she will not acknowledge us. I am going to do everything i can to try and support her to overcome this ( if its something i can) because in our NT world to get by at least some acknowledgement is needed. So i want her to learn the NT way. Im sorry if im derailing thread slightly

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 20:59

importantkath
Well said.

People might get it wrong, but there is no need for the approach of 'I'm just me and if that's rude then the world should get over it'.