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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is low! And to feel hurt/confused

398 replies

Whatthe1 · 03/02/2019 12:10

So I have made a new (ish) friend (known for about 9months or so. We got on really well and it DC do too (met in school). Anyway we are currently planning on building a house and it’s all very exciting for us. We met up on Friday eve and she asked how plans were going. I told her and conversation led on. She got to the point of asking me which bank we were getting our mortgage from as lending here at the moment is difficult. I said we weren’t as we were hoping to self fund. She asked how?? I said that we had profit from our last house and some investments we were going to cash in. She then outwardly REFUSED to believe it!! Stating that at our age she couldn’t see how it was possible esp as we had two DC. I didn’t know how to respond so I just said, oh look it’s not important let’s talk about something else. The rest of the visit was ok but she was a little “off”

Anyway today I got the following message
Whatthe,
I have been In turmoil since Friday, I can’t understand why you would lie to my face about finances the way you did. I feel like either way I can’t continue being friends. If you are lying like I BELIEVE you are or whether you actually have THAT kind of money. I didn’t think you were one of those ‘money is no object people’ so unfortunately I can’t be around that. Sorry I really enjoy your company and you are a great new friend but this just doesn’t sit with me’

I haven’t responded as I am I shock I think! What the hell?? Do you think I should call or just leave her be? I AM DUMBFOUNDED 😮

OP posts:
TheOxymoron · 03/02/2019 13:36

Dear Flaky new friend,

I am quite shocked and astonished by your message to me.

Clearly my mistake was answering your financial question. I assumed we were close enough to do this. For that, I am sorry, both to you and myself.
I would like to be clear that is only part I feel I misjudged.
I make no apologies for any “wealth” you deem me to have. Myself and my partner are extremely proud of our achievements and have no shame for that.

I would like to remind you that it was you asking a personal question which led to me telling you this information as it is not something that I would usually share.

I feel your judgement based on what I may or may not have quite surprising. It is inverted snobbery and very hurtful.

I would never base a decision to befriend somebody on what they may or may not have. That to me is a form discrimination and very narrow minded.

I wish you well for the future and sincerely hope you question your existing views as it could potentially rob you of bonding with some lovely people and life is too short.

To accuse me of lying doesn’t even warrant a response, at its best it is simply ridiculous.

Bye bye little weirdo and take care.

Alternatively....
“Oh do fuck off” should do it.

Mousetolioness · 03/02/2019 13:39

I bet she won't be able to leave it at that, even if OP doesn't respond to it.

Original poster
Whatthe1 · 03/02/2019 13:44

@marvellousnightforamooncup 😂😂 I am open to having to get a loan at some point if necessary but I am definitely not having any more kids (hubby had the snip!) I do always find it hilarious in grand designs when the wife shows up pregnant!!😂😂

OP posts:
Whocansay · 03/02/2019 13:46

I suspect ignoring and blocking is the wisest decision. But I also doubt you've heard the last of this. She's clearly a fruit loop.

Oddcat · 03/02/2019 13:50

She's in turmoil ????? !!

Righto Confused

Moscatel89 · 03/02/2019 13:51

You have dodged a bullet. Some people can only be your" friend" if they feel they are somewhat better than you i.e thinner, prettier, brighter, more money etc. You have obviously rocked her world view of herself and she will be incredibly resentful about it.Don't get back in touch with her and chalk this up to experience.

Welltroddenpath · 03/02/2019 13:51

I’m very cagey about what I share with friends. Unless they are really, really long term friends. I had a friend for years, I thought we was close but she dropped me on the flip of a coin one day. I regret now over sharing with her.
It better to just walk away, she has shown herself to be a judgmental loon. Your not a potential partner FFS. Why on earth does she hold friends to such exacting standards?
Different circumstances but i sent a goodbye and enjoy your life type text to my friend and have felt great since. But we was friends for many years, in your case chalk it up to experience and just forget her.

dorisdog · 03/02/2019 13:52

A don't respond vote form me, too. She's spoiling for a fight and way to justify her behaviour. She's not genuinely looking for a conversation.

And I'm someone who's angry about the inequalities of the housing market, etc, but that's no one individuals fault. If I had a friend that was building their own house, I'd totally happy for them, even if I'm annoyed about inequalities generally. She's making it weirdly personal.

Original poster
Whatthe1 · 03/02/2019 13:52

@Oddcat yes I know 😩🙄 I actually just don’t what to say, ironically (as she thinks I’m lying) if I had lied and pretended we were with a particular bank then we would still be “friends” 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthe1 · 03/02/2019 13:56

The funny thing is her house is also a self build (very common practice where we live!! Albeit, with a mortgage, which is clearly where her problem lies!! I am so annoyed that I got dragged into it!! It’s taking all my power not to respond, although like others have said i do feel this is not over 😩

OP posts:
DesertSky · 03/02/2019 13:58

What a bloody nut job

FigandVanilla · 03/02/2019 14:01

Omg! That’s astonishing. How unbelievably rude! Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet...

DesertSky · 03/02/2019 14:05

Moscatel89

This is so true. A few years ago I lost weight and a friend of mine couldn’t bring herself to be anywhere near me. It was only when I put some weight back on did she start acknowledging my existence again!
Nothing weird as folk...

GoldenEvilHoor · 03/02/2019 14:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

EleanorLavish · 03/02/2019 14:11

I had to reread the OP as I could hardly believe it!!
What a fruit loop. I’m sorry it ms worked out this way for you op.
My fingers would be itching to respond too OP, but ‘hold the line’. She ain’t done yet I’d say as others have mentioned.
Get a few lines memorised so you can hit her with them. Grin

BearFoxBear · 03/02/2019 14:11

What a belter.

I don't agree with not replying though - defend yourself then tell her to fuck off (politely!).

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 03/02/2019 14:12

I do think that someone's suggestion of "noted" is excellent.
It's so irritatingly neutral!

Sleephead1 · 03/02/2019 14:14

I think she's obviously way out of line but I think she obviously thought you were in similar situations and in the same position now she knows you are not I guess it's brought something out in her ( to be honest i would guess a lot of people would be shocked that at 34 you are building your own house and are self funding it is unusual to me any way but well done how amazing. ) but obviously she's totally unreasonable to say this. I think she's jealous and looking at you then her and can't figure out how you have done it. That's not your problem and you havnt done anything wrong there will always be people with more money/ better houses ECT. If the children are good friends I would probably try and keep it civil for their sakes

Somewhereovertheroad · 03/02/2019 14:14

FWIW, I avoid talking about money like the plague.

^^This is very good advice.

Never tell anybody how you are financing anything. People are very jealous about money.

RelaisBlu · 03/02/2019 14:14

I've had similar - someone utterly disbelieving that we did not have and had never had a mortgage. It came out in a similar way, with her asking a lot of questions (not something I went out of my way to tell people). She was distinctly cool to me from then on but certainly didn't send the sort of nutty message you've got OP! I would definitely not pursue the friendship. I didn't.

Coronapop · 03/02/2019 14:14

I recall a friend of mine getting a letter (long before mobiles) from another friend along similar lines, after she bought a new car. I think it is just jealousy.

Justkeeprollingalong · 03/02/2019 14:15

@ZoeWashburne and @FeedMeTikka have both got the response right.

DesertSky · 03/02/2019 14:17

I think you should respond with ‘To be brutally honest, I am the one in turmoil with your message. To accuse me of lying when I was truthful and for you to be so vexed with my financial position makes me actually question what type of person YOU are. It appears that had I lied about taking out a mortgage then you would deem me be to be a ‘suitable’ acquaintance. I agree with you re discontinuing the friendship - I don’t think I can be around someone who judges me on the basis of my finances.’

Gina2012 · 03/02/2019 14:17

Don't reply (as you've said) or agree with her.

I find when people are upset with me --agreeing with them absolutely floors them

And it makes no odds to me as what they think about me is none of my business

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 14:18

I think you do need to respond, otherwise she will take it as confirmation you lied.

I'd text and say, "thanks for your text, I'm sorry you feel this way, I would not lie, and I only told you in response to your question. I'm surprised and saddened by your reaction, as I too enjoyed your company but accept and agree your decision"

And leave it there, don't engage further. No matter what she texts.