Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is low! And to feel hurt/confused

398 replies

Whatthe1 · 03/02/2019 12:10

So I have made a new (ish) friend (known for about 9months or so. We got on really well and it DC do too (met in school). Anyway we are currently planning on building a house and it’s all very exciting for us. We met up on Friday eve and she asked how plans were going. I told her and conversation led on. She got to the point of asking me which bank we were getting our mortgage from as lending here at the moment is difficult. I said we weren’t as we were hoping to self fund. She asked how?? I said that we had profit from our last house and some investments we were going to cash in. She then outwardly REFUSED to believe it!! Stating that at our age she couldn’t see how it was possible esp as we had two DC. I didn’t know how to respond so I just said, oh look it’s not important let’s talk about something else. The rest of the visit was ok but she was a little “off”

Anyway today I got the following message
Whatthe,
I have been In turmoil since Friday, I can’t understand why you would lie to my face about finances the way you did. I feel like either way I can’t continue being friends. If you are lying like I BELIEVE you are or whether you actually have THAT kind of money. I didn’t think you were one of those ‘money is no object people’ so unfortunately I can’t be around that. Sorry I really enjoy your company and you are a great new friend but this just doesn’t sit with me’

I haven’t responded as I am I shock I think! What the hell?? Do you think I should call or just leave her be? I AM DUMBFOUNDED 😮

OP posts:
swingofthings · 05/02/2019 06:31

She is either deranged or she is very confused if for instance you've refused to pay things in the past, leading to an assumption you could afford it hence her thinking you are lying.

Either way, there's nothing to salvage. Move on and pretend you don't know her. That's what she wants and there is no reason for you to be friend with her any longer.

expat101 · 05/02/2019 06:38

yes I agree with swingofthings with the part of her being confused if you have refused to pay for things in the past (shared costs in a lunch perhaps?) due to being broke, but apart from that, I cannot see her issue either.

madroid · 05/02/2019 06:51

Try not to be too hard on the 'friend', she probably has mh issues. To send that text is very socially inappropriate and symptomatic of someone whose normal social inhibitions aren't functioning which is often a sign of some types of mental illness.

I expect she knows she's messed up and could quite possibly be mortified, hence hiding in the car at school drop off.

Namechangedbecauseiwantto · 05/02/2019 07:12

@Alpacanorange@
No it doesn't, quite the opposite, her friend should not have been grilling on about something that's none of her business.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2019 07:17

I can't believe some of the excuses for this woman's behaviour on here. She is responsible for her actions, and could have apologised to op. Maybe she was drunk, but that reveals what she really thinks of the op, I would be giving her a very wide birth.

gordan · 05/02/2019 07:24

She’s projecting her anger and hurt to what happened in the past on to you. Something probably happened between herself and another friend and she has never been able to say anything to them. When you come into her life she has used you to as an alternative and in doing so tried to get some of her power back from
When she was with that friend. She no right to do that.
I had a friend who turned on me like that when we went on holiday where she just launched into a verbal attack on me . Turned out every time she went on holidays with her other friend and that friends circle she felt she couldn’t say no to the places or things they would do. So when she cane on holiday with me it’s like she used it to get her control back but in reality that was a nasty and selfish thing to do.

GrumpyMummy123 · 05/02/2019 07:47

There is no excuse for being spoken to by a 'friend' like that.

Finances particularly are a very personal thing. Why the hell should you have disclosed you had life savings etc to her before.

If you work hard, invest sensibly, not be extravagant and so thereby having substantial savings by the time you're old enough to have two kids then what's the problem?!

You don't want a 'friend' having a grudge because of your personal situation. She should feel pleased for you not be so judgemental. Sorry she turned out not the good friend she first appeared!

OrangeJellySpread · 05/02/2019 07:53

Text her "Will me burning my £1 million dollar in the garden make you come back to me? No? Oh well."

acatcalledjohn · 05/02/2019 08:03

@Alpacanorange

Please tell us what in the OP makes it read as boasting? Despite my reading comprehension skills I really can't see anything that could even be misconstrued as boasting.

You handled it all very well @Whatthe1. The woman is batshit.

haloumi · 05/02/2019 08:08

She Is a loon.

No need to be friends with wierdos like that... she will suck you dry.

Good Luck with the house build!

Roussette · 05/02/2019 08:13

I am taken aback with posters who seem to know exactly what has happened to the friend... 'she's projecting on to the OP because another friend has treated her badly.'

Yes that of course is a possible scenario but we don't know do we? She could just be a cow, let alone all that projection stuff.

Also saying be nice to her, don't be hard on her, she has MH issues... having MH issues does not give you an excuse to be horrible! And even if she is struggling with her MH, she has every opportunity to apologise and explain. She hasn't.

My take on it is... she was nosy, she got an answer she didn't really want to hear (i.e. OP is perhaps more comfortably off than her) and her envy got the better of her. I do not know this, it is just what it could be.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 08:17

Blimey - sorry she's turned out to be like this OP.
I hope you can get some final closure.
And, it didn't sound like boasting to me either.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/02/2019 08:41

What was she meant to do, lie?

why not? she is under no obligation to disclose her financial situation to her friend

Some people, me, find it very difficult to lie to someone's face.

I've had a similar thing happen to me in terms of a nosy newish friend. I was so shocked that she was asking me such detailed questions about my finances that there was no way I could have composed myself enough to lie. Luckily, she's not turned out to be the jealous sort.

And you haven't come across at all as boasting to me either OP.

JingleJake · 05/02/2019 08:50

Do you think she may have read this thread?

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 09:12

why not? she is under no obligation to disclose her financial situation to her friend

Because who in their right mind, would ever think, to lie in response to the question " Who is your mortgage provider" because the perfectly normal seeming person asking might be so envious that you do not have a mortgage they will decide they can't even be your friend.

It's the oddest reaction ever.

Normal:

Who is your mortgage provider
Oh, we don't have one, we are self funding.
Ah, ok, cool.

Not normal
Who is your mortgage provider
I can't answer that as I don't discuss finances with my friends
Eh ok ya weirdo.

Not noramal
Who is your mortgage provider
Oh we don't have one, we are selffunding,
You're either lying or you're loaded, either way I can never be your friend. I'm in turmoil.
Eh ok ya weirdo.

Member984815 · 05/02/2019 09:29

How was the school run this morning ?

HPLikecraft · 05/02/2019 09:49

Totally agree, Bluntness

If someone asks about your actual finances, then it's easy to be cautionary and vague in response "How much do you owe on your mortgage?"
"Oh, not too much, should have paid it off within 8 years" or suchlike.

But the OP wasn't asked about money or to discuss her finances, but simply who her mortgage provider was, so it's a bit more difficult to be vague. All she could do is lie "Oh Barclays" which is silly, or say "We don't have one" which is the truth.

Jellycat1 · 05/02/2019 09:50

Completely agree with bluntness. I think you've had a lucky escape finding out relatively early that she's weird at best and horribly bitter and envious at worst.

nannykatherine · 05/02/2019 09:52

jealousy in all its glory

workornot · 05/02/2019 10:05

Not normal
Who is your mortgage provider
I can't answer that as I don't discuss finances with my friends
Eh ok ya weirdo

I would answer the question in that case with Barclays/Nationwide/HSBC and move the convo on. Nothing wrong with a while lie in these type of situations.
I would never say I cannot disclose this information Hmm

I would not let someone I have only known for a few months know that I am self-funded (which means loaded to many people).

I am really surprised at the amount of posters who suggest you couldn't tell a lie to a new friend in these circumstances.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 10:07

I would never say I cannot disclose this information

Well then, that makes it totally normal then Hmm

HPLikecraft · 05/02/2019 10:32

I am really surprised at the amount of posters who suggest you couldn't tell a lie to a new friend in these circumstances

Call us old fashioned, but some of us don’t like telling lies. Confused

Original poster
Whatthe1 · 05/02/2019 10:38

I didn’t do the school run this morning my DH did as I was on an earlier shift

We are also not in uk as I said mortgage lending where we are is limited at the moment and not as many options as the uk. Don’t want to state where we are as it could be outing 😩 I don’t think she is on here, she’s not a fan of social media (doesn’t have Facebook etc)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/02/2019 10:43

Call us old fashioned, but some of us don’t like telling lies

Exactly. Would even occur to most people to lie, because because most people aren't liars.

I'm not sure what the poster is trying to say "I'm so much better than you op, because I'm a liar"

As much as I wouldn't wish to be friends with the woman in the op, I'd also not wish to be friends with someone who had so little trust in human nature, even someone they had been friend with for nearly a year, that they lie to people as their default position.

Confused
Matilda190 · 05/02/2019 10:49

Agreed.