Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
chicazteca · 05/02/2019 08:03

YABVU Mum and Dad were beyond old-fashioned (like you're being)
I ended up moving to the other side of the ocean, away from their old fashioned views.
But like it's been said before - your house, your rules. I guess. Smile

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 08:20

At 19, I would say it's OK.
Unfortunately, kids these days just won't have the means to move out at a young age.
So you have to compromise and agree to live like adults.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/02/2019 08:37

I'm reeling at the connection being drawn between an established relationship at 19 and a 'life on benefits'. WTF? Most people I knew at 18/19 who were shagging anyone were doing it with long term partners. We went to uni, got jobs etc. Many of the relationships didn't last but they were committed at the time. No one was taking a one night stand home to their parents' house that I knew of!

I don't think I knew anyone who was allowed to share a room if they took someone home though. Looking back, I accepted that and I still felt quite like a child at 20. Maybe because I was still in education?

Although we share a bed at my in-laws, we have never in ten years even contemplated shagging there. The bedroom is right above the living room and next to their room, and every sound carries, including a very creaky bed.

ReflectentMonatomism · 05/02/2019 08:41

I'm reeling at the connection being drawn between an established relationship at 19 and a 'life on benefits'.

Met in first year at university. Been together since, 35 years. In common with quite a few of our friends. Indeed, isn't meeting at university and then staying together a fairly common middle class trope?

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 08:48

YANBU! It's all about your value system. You couldn't do it when you were her age. You probably would never have asked. If she wants to screw she should do it I n something she rents or owns. She has a lot of nerve Even asking. He's 23 where is his home or apartment? Stay strong. The only people that should be fornicating under your roof are those that have their names on the mortgage or lease.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/02/2019 08:49

So much so that when I graduated single I remember thinking I'd blown my chances of marriage! (I was obviously a bit of a drama llama.)

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 08:50

A couple of months is a long term relationship?

Isitmybathtimeyet · 05/02/2019 08:50

Fornicating? This thread really is going Old Testament isn't it?

JacquesHammer · 05/02/2019 08:52

The only people that should be fornicating under your roof are those that have their names on the mortgage or lease

Someone quick, alert the village elders.

SoupDragon · 05/02/2019 08:54

You couldn't do it when you were her age.

So? Are we only allowed to do things our parents did? Taken to its logical conclusion, this means we can only do things our grandparents did and their parents....

missnevermind · 05/02/2019 09:09

My eldest is 20 and my youngest is 7.
The rule has always been no matter what the sex of the person staying over whether it’s his girlfriend or school friend must be somebody I have already met and I want 24 hours notice. Then the discussion about respect, no boys in just boxers, girls to be ‘modestly’ covered Grin And no nighttime noise to disturb the others.
The jokey way of reminding him of this was - I had to book them in and I only took photo Id
And when he was younger I would not let anybody stay without them guaranteing that their parents knew they were here.

whatswithtodaytoday · 05/02/2019 09:15

Not usually before marriage and not in their bedroom next to their parents though

Oh, they definitely did it before marriage, they were human in the 50s after all. They just got married very swiftly afterwards if the girl got pregnant. Not the greatest start to married life.

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 09:18

Don't you ever fall for a nonsense notion that there is equality and parity in the home you and your husband paid for with blood,sweat tears and hard work! First of All. When the hell has a few months become a long term relationship?!?! So after a year is that their golden anniversary?!? You have earned the be right to have sex in your home it's one of the many benefits of MARRIAGE ( along with paying the light bill,the mortgage, for the leaking roof, food, etc). So, by some people's logiic, if your daughter wanted to remodel the kitchen or add an addition to the home she can. Why not? it's her home too, right? Stop This nonsense in it's tracks. There are boundaries ( that also comes with being a consenting adult and member in the home). It's a matter of respect. Your self respect. Go to his parents home( I have a feeling that isn't an option), where is HIS apartment? If your daughter doesn't like it it may be time for the presumptuous little birdy to leave the nest but there should be no one having sex in the home except those that have earned the right through marriage. Don't feel guilty or old fashioned or anything but a strong loving parent. Let her know, lovingly that there is a silver lining to this situation and that is she and Mr. Monthsmeanalongtermrelationshp, can work their backsides off and get their OWN Shangri-la in which they can swing from the chandelier having sex all day in every room (probably two) If they wish. You're not criticizing her for having sex but just not in her loving parents home. She hasn't earned that right. No more than she's earned The right to remodel the kitchen. Now, if she paid for a new roof..........Wink

JacquesHammer · 05/02/2019 09:19

but there should be no one having sex in the home except those that have earned the right through marriage

Wow. You do know women are allowed to have sex and don’t have to get married to do it, right?

ReflectentMonatomism · 05/02/2019 09:22

If your daughter doesn't like it it may be time for the presumptuous little birdy to leave the nest

Meanwhile, over in the cesspit that is Gransnet, there are long-running threads in which women similarly unable to punctuate bemoan not seeing their grandchildren because their daughters have moved to another continent.

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 09:23

Bistrotea, yes it is!

HPLikecraft · 05/02/2019 09:25

So glad I came back to this thread: for the Bible quotes and fornicating! 😂

I'm going to stay watching for the inevitable further descent into fire and brimstone!

Oh, and OP, your daughter is an adult. Treat her like one.

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 09:27

Reflect, I didn't know you were the school marm of mumsnet daily, good to know, thanks! Oh here. ?!:;"'?!??!! There's some punctuation. Use them liberally.

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 09:29

Jaques not The point and if you are smart enough to cherry pick one line you know already know that isn't the point.

marymarkle · 05/02/2019 09:31

Wow! So only married people should have sex.
If my parents thought like that, I would expect to be in separate rooms, but I would still sneak into my partners room in the night.
But anyone else is very old fashioned.

HPLikecraft · 05/02/2019 09:32

but there should be no one having sex in the home except those that have earned the right through marriage

Hmm, DH and I owned a home together, (both names on deeds and mortgage), for some 9 years before we were married. And guess what? We fornicated like beasts and even produced several offspring in our unmarried state. Civilisation did not collapse.

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2019 09:41

@Pashal2 Am I right in thinking you also don't believe in climate change? I know you're American and I'm sure I remember you from the Attenborough thread. It's making more sense now.

kindlyplay · 05/02/2019 09:45

The only people that should be fornicating under your roof are those that have their names on the mortgage or lease

Oh bloody hell. I didn't realise there was a permission to shag on the mortgage papers.

kindlyplay · 05/02/2019 09:46

but there should be no one having sex in the home except those that have earned the right through marriage

Aww bless.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 05/02/2019 09:51

The only boyfriend of mine who has even been allowed to stay in my room is my current, we moved in together in March 2017 and he still wasn't allowed to stay in my room in my mams if we were up visiting. It took once weekend when he was either in my bed or on the couch for my mam to cop on. We were together 2.5years at that stage and I was 28!!

At the end of the day that was my mams wishes (my dad couldn't care less). My room is right across from theirs so we don't even do anything in my mams house. We were there for two nights over Christmas and all we did was cuddle.

Swipe left for the next trending thread