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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 19:43

It’s always weird when you have to face up to the fact that your ‘baby’ is having sex

I don't think it is. I'm struggling work out, even from all theses posts, just what people think is wrong with sex?

My Teen DC's will always be my 'babies' but I don't infantilise them. I recognise that's they are now adults and treat them accordingly. It's a process that begins at birth.

Ifangyow · 04/02/2019 20:01

My kids having sex never bothered me, Hell I used to buy them their durex with the shopping. Using my home as a dosshouse did bother me though.
They could have been shagging every day of the week and twice on a Sunday for all I cared.

busyhonestchildcarer · 04/02/2019 20:03

Once my daughters got to that age I was happy for them to share a bedroom with boyfriends.Neither took advantage and both had long term Relationships.I think its far better to have an open relationship with our children and we know they are having sex so why hide away?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 04/02/2019 20:08

At uni my then boyfriend’s parents wouldn’t allow us to share a bed in their home, despite us spending virtually every night together in our university town. The night his mum got a migraine and came down to us at it on the living room floor still ranks as one of my most embarrassing moments. She was furious.

LouH1981 · 04/02/2019 21:30

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I was 18 when I met my now hubby who was 23. (I’m 38 now). I was never allowed to stay in the same room as him. My parents were pretty easy going with most things but it was one thing they were firm about and we never argued about it. Their house their rules. It just meant we had to get a bit creative to find some alone time, lol!

celticprincess · 04/02/2019 21:42

My parents allowed this when I came back from uni one year with my bf who stayed for Christmas. I had a single bed though so he got the pull out on the floor next to me!! Lol. Lots of kids seem to have double beds these days though so could share!! Don’t see an issue as they are adults. Have a chat about ground rules though.

millespadpuddy · 04/02/2019 21:45

My children are still early teens.I have to admit,i’d find it difficult.Maybe i’ll feel different when the time comes.

StarlightLady · 04/02/2019 21:46

Have you apologised to your daughter yet? Remind me, what year is this.

puffyisgood · 04/02/2019 21:48

at 23 he especially is a grown man, so it's pretty rubbishy to say 'no', but on the other hand it's your house, do you really want to be seeing him at the breakfast table every day?

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 21:48

My kids having sex never bothered me, Hell I used to buy them their durex with the shopping. Using my home as a dosshouse did bother me though.
They could have been shagging every day of the week and twice on a Sunday for all I cared.

This is a bit odd. Having someone stay over doesn't mean your DC are using the house as a dosshouse!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 04/02/2019 21:53

Haven't read the whole thread but I do think you are being u and prudish.

I had this in 1985 when I was visiting my dp's catholic family in Northern Ireland. We were 21/22 and living together in London. I was amazed that we weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed in their house.

You are behind the times op.

TooManyPaws · 04/02/2019 22:10

Good lord. I got told about my parents doing the midnight commute between their separate rooms back in the early 1940s when engaged. I thought that we'd moved on from that.

Tuppencew0rth · 04/02/2019 22:23

No not unreasonable. It’s hard to put into words but - just because people are old enough to act like adults doesn’t mean they are - something is sitting uneasily with you and that’s ok. You’re not comfortable with this for your daughter or your relationship with her. You’re instinctively against this for now and it’s ok to go with that. I don’t think you have to justify your instinct either.

Symposium123 · 04/02/2019 22:49

Why is it acceptable to spend sleep time with someone if you're married but not otherwise?

“Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4

marymarkle · 04/02/2019 23:41
Grin Most people in Britain do not follow Biblical teachings in relation to sex.
Letmeoff · 05/02/2019 00:29

One of my little bugbears- this subject. I totally accept that in anyone’s house they can make whatever rule they want - people should respect that rule whether they agree with it or not.

However, if you ask whether I agree with it and think it’s reasonable/right? Shows you think it may not be. If one knows your children are having sex why have this ridiculous ‘but not in my house’ attitude? Better in the back of a car or behind a building ? 😳 Genuinely don’t get it. They are adults, in a relationship - their grandparents had sex before marriage secretly. Surely we’re more modern

YABU

Mrskeats · 05/02/2019 00:35

Yabu at that age. It makes me laugh how this is such an issue on this forum but you will get people defending weed smoking all the time.
The British are so weird about sex.

marymarkle · 05/02/2019 00:37

I am in my late 50s and can't believe this is still an issue in these days.

expat101 · 05/02/2019 01:08

Who can manage to have sex when their parents are around?

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 01:34

I'm 38 and my fiance is 43. If we go to stay at his parents we share the spare room but have two single beds! My fiance would never have sex with his parents in the same house anyway!! I have two children (8 and 11) from my first marriage so clearly I am still a virgin. Fiance could be though I guess as they're his stepsons 😂

josbd · 05/02/2019 02:05

I would imagine this situation can be rather toe-curling, esp as many find it difficult to deal with the DC as a sexual being. All fine so long as you don't have to witness it. Could you perhaps, allow this to happen, but use one of those lovely threats above "If I hear ONE bedspring..."...

artisanscotcheggs · 05/02/2019 02:09

It's 2019. Not 1950. 🙄

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/02/2019 04:11

It's 2019 not 1950

I think people had sex in the 1950s, too. Grin

SoupDragon · 05/02/2019 07:25

Not usually before marriage and not in their bedroom next to their parents though.

3Blues · 05/02/2019 07:45

I don't think it's even about sex, you've shown you don't respect your DC as an adult and you don't respect or trust her bf. YABVU

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