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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
suzy2b · 04/02/2019 18:05

I had a couple of boyfriends stay that was back in the 70's but i never asked I just took them home with me they were long term and one i was living with

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 04/02/2019 18:09

It seems hypocritical on your part. If you know she's sexually active and have no problem with this, why do you want to prevent it happening on your property, where she lives? It's either fine or it isn't! Did you know she was sexually active before this? Where did you think she had sex?

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 04/02/2019 18:10

Ur bubz, ur rulz hun

Ragwort · 04/02/2019 18:11

I just don’t believe that the majority of mumsnetters don’t have aspirations and hopes for their childrens’ futures, judging by the numerous threads on schools admissions, SATs results, anguish over what a teacher did or didn’t say,, GCSE results, A levels and university applications I’ve been reading over the years Grin.

Are you honestly saying if your DC actively chose a benefits lifestyle at 18 you wouldn’t be a little disappointed even if he/she was happy with that choice? Hmm

And as another Poster said, if my DS chooses not to have a relationship with me because of whether or not I allow a GF to share his bed then so be it, I am not ‘driving him out’, I am setting ground rules. I have very close relationship with my parents despite never having boyfriends to stay (in my room) when I was young. I respected their ground rules.

Ifangyow · 04/02/2019 18:13

What Ragwort said.
Besides my home isn't a bloody dosshouse.

MrsPeel · 04/02/2019 18:16

That's fine as long as you don't mind her making you and her father sleep separately when you stay with her in future years. My house my rules cuts both ways.

Gilld69 · 04/02/2019 18:34

i allowed it witg both my girls once they were in long term relationships and ended up resenting their partners being here all the time , started off 1 night a week until one stayed for 3 years . i felt like i coyldnt relax in my own home.

shoesarefab · 04/02/2019 18:34

I personally don’t think YABU, I’m 40 next month and wouldn’t have sex in my parents house to this day! I have 2 girls (10 and 7) and a boy of 4 mths and they won’t be having bfs/gfs stay over. Nothing to do with being prudish, I grew up in a very relaxed and open family, sex has always been an open topic of conversation and I have no problem with nudity etc. Just not something I would ever do 🤷‍♀️

Ragwort · 04/02/2019 18:39

Mrs Peel personally I would love to be given a separate room when staying away with my DH rather than squeezing into an uncomfortable double bed. Grin. I have no need to share a bed every night of my life.

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 18:43

Are you honestly saying if your DC actively chose a benefits lifestyle at 18 you wouldn’t be a little disappointed even if he/she was happy with that choice?

In what fucking planet does being with someone at 18 mean you are choosing to be on benefits?

There are some stupid arse comments on this thread but that's an absolute beauty Grin

Bluelady · 04/02/2019 18:44

I'm with you @Ragwort, a bed to myself is the height of luxury, bring it on.

Ifangyow · 04/02/2019 18:45

Same here.
Besides, me and her father are married, not a pair of shagging singletons. Just the same as they and their spouse's share a bed when they visit me. Note spouse not squeeze.

JacquesHammer · 04/02/2019 18:47

Besides, me and her father are married, not a pair of shagging singletons. Just the same as they and their spouse's share a bed when they visit me. Note spouse not squeeze

What if they choose not to marry? Single beds for eternity?

PloddingOnwards · 04/02/2019 18:48

Yes you are.

She must feel embarrassed "sorry you can't stay the night my mum said no".

Bluelady · 04/02/2019 18:49

What's embarrassing about that? Mum and Dad can do what the hell they like in their own house.

phoenixrosehere · 04/02/2019 18:54

It is your home, HOWEVER, what are the reasons you don’t want him over besides your parents wouldn’t let you at their age? That sounds like a pretty poor excuse and that you’re assuming your adult daughter is going to have sex if he’s over in her room. If that is your concern, why not discuss it with her?

My own in-laws put my hub and I in separate rooms (before we married) and it didn’t go down well with him, considering he was 36 and I 24 at the time (I wasn’t bothered, I was a guest) . I did end up sneaking in his room though because his dog had died and I wanted to comfort him (just held him) and I snuck right back out before they woke up. Whether they knew or not, they didn’t say anything.

LuckyLou7 · 04/02/2019 19:07

She's an adult. Treat her like one.

OlennasWimple · 04/02/2019 19:11

MY DPs wouldn't let me share a room with (now) DH when we came to visit until we were actually married.

I'm hoping that I I will be more relaxed when our DC are bringing home boyfriends / girlfriends

DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/02/2019 19:11

I don't even have children and when my friends talk about their late tedn/early 20s children's partners staying over, it makes me feel quite squeamish. I am definitely turning into a prude!

toxic44 · 04/02/2019 19:12

SO and I had lived together for 4 years when we went to stay over with his parents (back story, they were ill and I was doing the Florence Nightingale bit). He was 25 then. We were not allowed to share a room. Why not, mum? Well, she's only a girlfriend, it isn't as if you're married or anything like that. So living together 4 years isn't 'anything like' being married? Still, your roof, your shout.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/02/2019 19:15

Yabu. For a regular boyfriend this would be fine with me. If not now, when? If they're still together in 2 years? Or only if they get married?

tashac89 · 04/02/2019 19:18

Why is it acceptable to spend sleep time with someone if you're married but not otherwise? I didn't realise so many people still had such an outdated view on sex Hmm

Leleophants · 04/02/2019 19:20

It's up to you! It's your house.

Clearly there is a reason why you are feeling uneasy. If the relationship is that great, it won't be a problem longterm. And then maybe you will get used to the idea in time.

MummaofH · 04/02/2019 19:36

You are BU. She’s an adult and if I were you, I’d rather she was under my roof than finding other places to be with her BF. She’s an adult so treat her like one & take this opportunity to make sure she’s being responsible and safe.

cheval · 04/02/2019 19:39

It’s always weird when you have to face up to the fact that your ‘baby’ is having sex (likewise for them the thought of their parents being sexual). But the fact is, she is. Better to have them safe in your house, rather than somewhere dodgy. She’s 19, so not a child. Have a discreet conversation with her about respecting your house, no noise, mess and make sure she has condoms etc.

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