Page 13 | Or just old fashioned and prudish?

Amumoftwo · 2019-02-03T10:44:16+00:00

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no. DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

GinUnicorn · 04/02/2019 12:36

I think if you would allow other adults to share then you should allow your daughter. I see no issue with putting some ground rules down in terms of number of nights etc but she is an adult.

I think it’s really important to adjust the way you approach your relationships as your children grow up so you can begin to see each other more as equals. Many adult parental relationships that have problems seem to be because there haven’t been adjustments that the child has now grown up.

I will say quite honestly I can’t imagine ever having nosy sexy when I used to have my 18 year old boyfriend to stay. It was much more about closeness and time then sex. Yes we were sexually actively but it would have horrified us to think of parents hearing!

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 12:54

Meh. Your house, your rules.

Meh. How many more times is this going to be trotted out?

They're adults, they can get a room of their own.

Totally missing the fact that the 19yo HAS a room of her own!

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 12:57

I think it’s really important to adjust the way you approach your relationships as your children grow up so you can begin to see each other more as equals. Many adult parental relationships that have problems seem to be because there haven’t been adjustments that the child has now grown up.

This ^

My own DM made me feel like I was 14yo when i told her I was expecting my FIRST child at 24! She was horrified. I was married.

Almost 20 years down the line and we have been NC for quite some time. There were lots of reasons, but not acknowledging I am now an adult is one of them.

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/02/2019 13:03

I agree with what some clever poster said about the importance of making it easy for your children to move on when they’re young and figuring out what they want in their love lives. I wouldn’t want mine to slide into some pseudo-matrimonial arrangement which I think is a real danger in this case.

I’m also not having a series of ladies floating through our house (I have sons).

Different strokes for different folks.

CountFosco · 04/02/2019 13:17

When I wasn't allowed to share a bedroom with my boyfriend when we went to visit my parents we would have sex in the following places instead: sitting room after everyone had gone to bed, bedroom when my parents were out of the house during the day, garden, car, beach, ancient monuments. Randy young people will have sex in your house whether or not you allow it.

ReflectentMonatomism · 04/02/2019 13:19

I’m also not having a series of ladies floating through our hous

I find the language that parents use of other young people, who are their own children's friends, needlessly contemptuous.

My adult children have had men, women, romantic partners, friends, gay best friends, whatever, stay in my house. If my children want their friends to share their room, or their bed, fine; if we need to find a spare room for them, then that's fine too. They're nice kids: why wouldn't they be, as they are people my lovely children like? I'd like to keep those lines of communication open, because one day perhaps they won't be so nice, and I'd like to be there for them. What would being difficult about the sleeping arrangements do? It doesn't make any difference to me, it would make a difference to them, what point would I be trying to prove? I'd like to have my children home once in a while, with their friends, rather than have them just find a reason to stay elsewhere.

On the long list of things I worry about with my children, whether their friend shares their bed in my house ranks somewhere behind whether they are drinking cappuccino or espresso after lunchtime.

essex42 · 04/02/2019 13:20

I am amazed by some of the attitudes on here. I thought those attitudes long gone. I am 60 something and back in the day when I first had a serious boyfriend, my mother never allowed any talk of sex never mind actual sex in the house. She was devastated when she discovered I was on the pill at 16. It ended up that we "spent time" at his parents house. Same with my next boyfriend (who, readers, I married ). However it did encourage us to get married far too young - because people didn't really live together in the north east in the 70s. A subsequent boyfriend who I lived with post our divorce had similarly old fashioned parents and we had to sleep in separate rooms when we visited them even though we owned a house together. I resolved to treat my children very differently if I had any. Many years down the line my second husband and I have two sons 28 and 26 - neither of whom now live at home - but we always encouraged them to bring girlfriends home and were happy for them to stay providing the girls parents knew and were happy. They also often shared a bed with friends and sex was certainly not always involved.

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/02/2019 13:43

My adult children have had men, women, romantic partners, friends, gay best friends, whatever, stay in my house. If my children want their friends to share their room, or their bed, fine; if we need to find a spare room for them, then that's fine too.

Aren't you great! My kids' friends are welcome to our spare room as well.

avenueq · 04/02/2019 13:53

I really do not understand posters who say they don't want their older teens to form close relationships. Why is it taken as a given that that will hinder their path in life? Maybe they can still have amazing careers and futures? And maybe they will stay with that partner, or find a different one later.
Re sleeping in one bed - it's just a nice thing to do! It's not about the sex - they can do that anywhere. But falling asleep cuddled up is not something you can do elsewhere.

DoraDont · 04/02/2019 13:59

My parents didn't allow my boyfriend to stay in my room overnight at that age but, like a pp, we just shagged everywhere else instead. Their living room carpet, their sofa, the car, the local nature reserve.

Unless you are never going to leave them alone in your house at any time, you may as well let them sleep in the same bed.

marymarkle · 04/02/2019 14:38

My in laws did not allow me and DP (before we were married) to share a bed at their house. We just crept into the other room late at night. The house was old with squeaky floorboards. After a few nights of this, they relented. They are in their 80's now.

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 14:39

I’m also not having a series of ladies floating through our house (I have sons).

Banning overnights isn't your answer. Raising responsible respectful sons might be the way.

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/02/2019 15:37

Banning overnights isn't your answer. Raising responsible respectful sons might be the way

Too late, I've made a complete mess of them already, but I thought the idea was to treat them like adults and let them get on with it? How many different overnight guests is too many?

Ifangyow · 04/02/2019 16:02

Nope, I never allowed it in my house.
If they want to share a bed they can either stay at the bf/gf parents place or get a hotel room. They can have all the sex they want then.
I don't want their bf/gf in my home overnight, I like the place to myself.

SoupDragon · 04/02/2019 16:05

I find it odd that people are basically driving their adult children out - that's how I see it. I want my child to feel comfortable living here - obviously no one wants to hear anyone having sex and that goes for children and parents alike!

Carbosug · 04/02/2019 16:15

Nope wouldn't happen in my house. YANBU.

Rtruth · 04/02/2019 17:35

Would you rather she carry on in a car or your house?
He could stay over and then sneak in, which would upset you more.

Bouledeneige · 04/02/2019 17:43

Yup you're being U. My DD18 sleeps with her boyfriend in my house. They have a lovely adult relationship.

sprot · 04/02/2019 17:43

I lived with my ex but we were not allowed to sleep together when visiting his parents,they only allowed it once we had a daughter‼️
I would rather my son came here than in some alleyway

Symposium123 · 04/02/2019 17:46

Depends if you believe in sex before marriage. If you don’t then of course they shouldn’t share. If you do, then I imagine as long as they’re happy to be discreet, then you wouldn’t have a problem?

jessebuni · 04/02/2019 17:48

I mean...at the end of the day it is your house and your rules.

Is there a particular reason you feel uncomfortable with it?

She is also 19 not 16 so I think of you do not have younger children as in say 14 and younger then it’s perhaps no unreasonable to have him stay over with prior permission occasionally. My parents allowed me this once I was over 18. They actually said they would have considered it once I was over 16 if my younger brother had been older. Once I was 18 the rule was he could stay every other Friday or Saturday. So 2 nights per month. Once we were then engaged and saving for our own place they relaxed this further to allow more nights.

ShowMeTheKittens · 04/02/2019 17:48

Well she is upset, cos you have not allowed her to be an adult.
Wouldn't you find that upsetting? She presumably loves this person so as long as he is also a decent human I don't see why you have an issue . You may drive her away I think.

PUGaLUGS · 04/02/2019 17:52

DH and I were not allowed to sleep together beforehand we we married (36 years ago) and when we got our house a few week started before the wedding, i wasn’t allowed to sleep there either even though I was the one paying the mortgage .

Our DS’s are 21 and 19 and have had girlfriends to stay - DS1 - one girl who he has been seeing for two years and DS2 - two girls over a two year period.

Roomba · 04/02/2019 17:59

My parents would never allow my BF to stay in the same room as me, we met at uni and it was so embarrassing making him sleep on the sofa when we both visited. He was very understanding but rather baffled by it given we were adults. His parents had allowed girls to sleep over with him from age 16+.

In the end I had to sit my mother down after she made him sleep on the sofa just after I'd given birth FFS! I pointed out that I respected her views, but I was 29, had a child with him and it really would be useful if he could help with the baby at night when we visited! We weren't going to do 'anything that embarrassed her and my dad' and if she was trying to prevent pregnancy, well, that horse had bolted. It meant we rarely visited. She did concede she was being a bit silly and allowed it from then on but it always felt weird staying there because of how they'd been before about it.

Cantusethatname · 04/02/2019 18:03

I made a rule as long they were over 18 and it was a proper relationship.