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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

594 replies

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:05

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/02/2019 19:41

“I'm shocked at the suggestion that some people think introversion is a disability.“
Has anyone said that?

Emc23 · 04/02/2019 19:50

Since this thread started I’ve managed to drop into conversations with my partner and boss that I’m an introvert, to see what they’d say. They both laughed heartily and said “get away with you”. It’s funny how people do mistake confidence and good social skills for extraversion.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 04/02/2019 20:05

Agentcoopers post Bert

Hellsbells35 · 04/02/2019 20:22

I’m an extrovert and can not fathom why someone would want to spend time on their own. So I guess I just don’t get it.

Original poster
Seline · 04/02/2019 20:30

Hells
Because it's relaxing to have some peace and quiet?

OP posts:
LostaraYil · 04/02/2019 21:39

I consider myself an introvert and will happily admit I do not understand my extrovert DH. I can't fathom how he can be interested in chatting with the person at the till in the supermarket about everything in their life or how he's always inviting people in for coffee (very rare, actually, but I would never do this without pre-arranging). However I get on with what I want to do and let him do what he wants. I'm sure some of our mutual friends find me odd because I may carry on reading/working rather than come and chat if DH has invited them in, but I'm grateful that DH is charming enough to maintain our social lives so I can join in when I want to!

Villanellenovella · 04/02/2019 22:15

So you're benefiting from his extroversion? They can't be all bad.

YouthMarket · 04/02/2019 22:18

After reading this thread I sat in the staff room at lunch time and instead of asking about my colleagues' days/ kids/ life I tried to stay silent.

I hope it made her feel less overwhelmed by my usual chit chat.

I didn't enjoy it but I guess she doesn't enjoy my queries.

WrenNatsworthy · 04/02/2019 22:20

Sigh.

Why are some posters insisting that Extroverts don't read books.

I'm an extrovert. I did a fucking English Literature degree!

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2019 22:20

Well, it’s, as usual a bell curve with most of us clustered in the middle. I do think that outliers at both ends are in danger of making thiemsevea very unhappy and would probably benefit from finding techniques to pull themselves nearer to the middle.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2019 22:27

Because neither having to hide in your house not absrmwribgr I door to someone you know is coming round to collect something NOR not being able to spend an evening alone are good places to be.

WrenNatsworthy · 04/02/2019 22:36

Agreed.

I've believe both of those things are a result of a state of anxiety.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/02/2019 22:39

So do I. TBH all the introverts I know don't lack confidence, and don't have anxiety. They just don't really like spending time with other people.

Sb74 · 04/02/2019 23:16

I am extrovert but as I’ve got older I feel happy in my own company more. It used to always bother me if I didn’t have plans to see friends etc and was on my own. It felt wrong and made me feel down tbh. but now I couldn’t care less. I tell my kids learning to enjoy your own company is important. I think extroverts are a bit needy to be honest. I’m glad at nearly 45 I’ve woken up to that being on your own at times, doing what you like is bloody fantastic. I get it now. 😄

Charley50 · 05/02/2019 07:04

MistressDeeCee Grin

morningconstitutional2017 · 05/02/2019 09:22

I think introverts spend more time in their heads and therefore put more thought into things whereas extroverts blurt things out and get on with stuff without thinking (or over-thinking).
Outgoing types still have feelings and can be deeply hurt in exactly the same way as quieter types - but they are not so shy about expressing it. I've known a mixture of both (haven't we all?) and the world would be a lot quieter if everyone was introverted and perhaps a bit duller. My more extrovert friends are not insensitive though and I think as they mature they think more of others.

Pashal2 · 05/02/2019 11:56

I'm just wondering when you say your an introvert and like being alone, love your own company etc, why do you have a dp. Not an accusation just a question of what precisely introvert rules are for " being left alone".

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/02/2019 14:45

Mistressdeecee you think your link poking fun at introverts helps extroverts claims that they understand introverts? It just makes me think you're insensitive.

ShowMeTheKittens · 05/02/2019 15:12

Extroverts don't need so much peace so they don't understand.
I speak as an introvert. Whom everyone thinks is extrovert.

Derece · 05/02/2019 16:42

Hmmm. I think that it depends on how introvert a person is. If the answer is "No" to almost every social occasion, this can be a little unfair. At the same time, if a person is so extrovert that they are over the top with expectations towards the other person, this can be a nuisance. I think that there has to be some sort of balance. There has to be some sort of compromise. I do not think that friends one being introvert and the other extroverts would work somehow. My sister who was more outgoing than her husband suffered a little because every time my sister wanted a friend to visit or go out with her husband he would sulk and make it very obvious that he wanted no part of this. He was not to bad when younger but as he got to middle age he got much worse. So whenever my sis went out it would be with friends or alone. If she were invited to parties it used to embarrass her because she would make excuses for her husband as he was invited also. I think that there is introvert and there is selfish. It works both ways of course.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/02/2019 16:58

Derece your sister's situation is similar to mine.

Original poster
Seline · 05/02/2019 17:08

I don't get why it would be embarrassing to say "my husband doesn't like parties". I tell DH to say this when people keep asking him about why I don't go and he moans a bit about it as well.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/02/2019 17:12

“I think introverts spend more time in their heads and therefore put more thought into things whereas extroverts blurt things out and get on with stuff without thinking”

Weird, isn’t it, that people have somehow got the idea that some others think introverts are a superior species.......

LoniceraJaponica · 05/02/2019 17:17

Because my friends are beginning to think that DH doesn't like them.

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