To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

funnel

For example, the first half ofisittheholidaysyetpost about her DH is not introversion, it’s poor communication skills on his part.

Is it though? Because all the introverts I know are the same. If they have had enough of social interact for now, then they go quiet and put some variation of sad/cross/grumpy face on. If you then try to engage them in conversation you get a one or two word answer or a grunt.

If I was in charge of and responsible for the group...(maybe work, or church, or a social event I'm running, or a sports team),
How on earth I am supposed to know that this person in the corner is fine actually, and not about to kick off, slag off everyone behind their backs, walk out, cause mayhem etc?

PP on here would say that to ask further beyond the grunt, or the 'I'm fine' (Which sounds the very opposite of fine) should surfice and to ensure any further is pushing my extrovert ways on them.

Seline- that person isn’t being an extrovert- they are being a bit of a dick.

I'm an introvert and I love being with small groups of friends. I also love peace and quiet, and occasionally some alone time so I can recharge my batteries. I find staff parties the absolute worst - I am completely overwhelmed, despite being a relatively confident person.

Without a doubt I do get judged for not being more extrovert. I think I'm perceived as anti- social, ignorant and rude.

It's a shame, but I'm in my forties now, so care a bit less about it!

Bertrand I think they're being a dick too but the motivation for it is that they can't possibly understand that I genuinely want some privacy and think I hate them for some reason. I don't at all although I'm a bit annoyed with them now as a result of their behaviour. Prior to that I wasn't even remotely negative about them.

There is wilful misunderstanding of these personality traits on this thread, and a total disregard for other factors which influence our individual character.
OP has set a hypothesis where all extrovert personalities disregard the feelings of introverted personalities.
It's simply not true.
There's also a hypothesis that the world is 'set up' for extroverts. Again, not true. We all struggle to 'fit in' sometimes.

www.psychologistworld.com/influence-personality/extraversion-introversion

I've never been to a staff party or work social gathering in my life. I blame it on having kids.

"My son won't go to bed if I don't read him a book" "I can't leave my husband on his own because DS1 cries for me" "DS1s got a cold and wakes a lot at night" "I'm pregnant and exhausted maybe next year" "I can't leave DH on his own with three kids under 3!"

As it happens my husband is fine, DS1 goes to bed whoever reads to him and DH could get help with the babies should he feel he required it. I just don't like staff parties.

Wren not saying all extroverts do it. I'm saying I see it more from extroverts toward introverts than introverts to extroverts

Can I just say as an extrovert, I don't always want to be in noisy environments, but people environments.

Loud music in the pub? No thanks I can't hear the conversation I came here for. (Unless it's a planned big night out, and it's now dancing time)
The sound of constant inane YouTubers prattling on from my living room telly...no thanks I'll move to the kitchen

I can do a silent retreat now and again, but I prefer the kinds where there are loads of other people around doing it too. Perhaps dormitory style accommodation? Rather than being in my own room. And alone all day.

Introverts aren't people who hide in corners and want to be left alone all the time. We're people who require a certain amount of time on our own every day, don't particularly enjoy social occasions that involve huge crowds, lots of noise and that go on for hours, and get our stimulus more from our inner resources than from external factors.

But society, particularly when it comes to younger people, tend to approve of those who have large circles of friends, a very busy social life and an ability to put themselves forward.

For me, one of the good things about getting older is that I can just embrace and enjoy being an introvert and all the good things about it.

For younger people it's not always so easy.

My mother is an extrovert with little self-esteem. She finds it difficult to make small-talk but needs company.

My sibling is an extrovert with masses of self-esteem and narc traits. She has no problem holding court with anyone and everyone.

I'm a fairly outgoing introvert with little self-esteem. I can talk to anyone if I have to, but I find it draining and need lots of time on my own.

I find it incredibly tough going with my family. If I'm visiting my mother I have to be in her company all the time - she gets worried if I want time alone. I have to go for a 'nap' to get a few moments of peace. I'm I'm at home, and DP is away, she assumes I'll be wanting to talk to her every day. I don't, I'll be relishing in my own company. But she doesn't understand that and thinks I'm unduly suffering to punish her when a call would make both of us feel better.

My sibling demands attention the whole time. She'll ask really intrusive questions which I don't want to answer, and then sulk when I hang back. Not that she pays attention to what I say half the time (remembers a ten minute conversation when she told me I needed to buy X and Y book, I told her I had them, she told me I needed to buy them. For ten whole minutes!!!).

I'll feel the most lonely when surrounded by people. I hate conferences and the like. It's not so bad when I don't know anybody, so can slip off and nobody notices, but when I've met people before, so they think I want to / should socialise when I don't it gets awkward.

“Bertrand I think they're being a dick too but the motivation for it is that they can't possibly understand that I genuinely want some privacy and think I hate them for some reason.”

I repeat- that’s not being an extrovert. That much insistence is just being a dick. But I do think that introverts need to take a bit of responsibility for how they make other people feel. If I had a family member who repeatedly rebuffed me, I’d feel they didn’t like me too!

Something weird about me is I don't like being completely alone for long. I like to feel like someone else is in the house like DH or my mum. I don't necessarily want to be speaking but knowing someone is there in case of an emergency is reassuring.

THAT is anxiety related though which I'm well aware of.

Bertrand I usually offer people alternatives to try and avoid that. I can't stand people in my house that aren't my husband kids or mum and dad, so I try to make external plans because that way I can leave when I feel peopled out. But my relatives for some reason always want to come to my house gossiping!

The title of your thread is that Extroverts don't understand Introverts.

I'd just say that some people are dicks. And some of those people are introverts, some of them are extroverts.

As someone who leans towards extraversion I can see where being introvert would have benefitted me in various past situations.

You evidently have people around you that don't respect your boundaries. The conversation that you posted would drive anyone of any trait around the bend, surely.

Isittheholidaysyet, in think you are probably right about the grumpy face and "I'm fine" and I can see how it must be really annoying from your perspective.

From the introvert perspective, this is pretty much what people are talking about when they talk about society being set up for introverts. The emotionally mature thing to do would be to take responsibility for your emotional state and either not go to the social event or go and spend the first five minutes working the room, talking to the people you need to talk to and letting the relevent people know that you are all out of social and will spend the rest of the evening being quiet. BUT most of us spent our formative years not being allowed to do that, or communicate honestly about having run out of social energy, so it's actually really hard to do - it feels embarrassing and shameful and rude, and often gets a negative response and so most of us have trained ourselves to grit our teeth and try to fake social energy when we don't have it, and some of us are more successful than others, and some days it's easier than others, so sometimes we do end up with the gritted teeth and grumpy face.

Sorry. From your perspective, what would work better? Faking sociability doesn't work because of someone is at the grumpy "I'm fine" stage, they've probably gone past the point where they do it successfully. It's s bit like having a headache - with a mild one, you can fling yourself into be things until you don't feel it, with a moderate one you can still join in and just not have a great time, but when it's bad, even when you try you can't really do what's expected.

broomstick

For me just saying "I'm an introvert, I really am fine/I really need to leave now"
Would explain everything to me. But that's because I have been thinking and exploring this whole area a lot recently.
(Home schooling an introverted child, whilst realising how much of an extrovert you are yourself)
However, I see a lot of people have tried that to have it fail miserably.
And most of society read extrovert as outgoing and introvert as shy, so that wouldn't help.
So I have no answers.
I'm just here to think about things and explore ideas.
(Because I'm an extrovert and need to work things through in conversation with others!😂)

“I can't stand people in my house that aren't my husband kids or mum and dad, so I try to make external plans because that way I can leave when I feel peopled out. But my relatives for some reason always want to come to my house gossiping!”

So your husband and children don’t have any say in this. And “gossiping”? Rather dismissive, don’t you think? It’s that sort of statement that fuels the perception that introverts consider themselves to be superior and above normal social interaction.

But what she said wasn't inaccurate, was it?

Yes! Because I do like to see my friends. Just not several times a week. I also thinks it’s an odd think to say to someone!

Bertram: It’s that sort of statement that fuels the perception that introverts consider themselves to be superior and above normal social interaction.

You sound like the kind of bully I was referring to, with no empathy, no understanding and no tolerance - the sort who takes offence because not everyone is as social as you. Why can't you just accept other people are different without that meaning that they have some kind of mental health problem.

On the school run I've had several mums try and get me to walk with them every day, so that's 4 seperate walks a day. Walk to school, walk back, walk to school, walk back. In a laughy breezy way I have insisted I don't want that much contact with the same people every day and I like walking on my own or with my child. Me and DS have the best chats on our morning walk. The other mums seem to crave constant talk with adults and don't get that I ENJOY the solitude. I have to time my walks to avoid people. I do enjoy seeing them though but like to keep it to a small amount every day.

Cook I've had exactly the same thing. I would miss that ten minutes with the kids on the way there and with my own thoughts on the way back, but I have no idea how to say that without sounding like an arse.

I quite like chatting to other people's kids though. One of the ladies' colleagues walks to school alone, which means with us quite often - and the other day she was telling me something and I asked a (to her very obvious) question and she was like "Ja hallöchen!" which is like the German version of "yeah, like, hello" and an incredibly funny look on a 6 year old. I would miss that stuff.

Bertram if my DH wants someone round providing he tells me in advance I can usually deal with it although I'd vastly prefer he didn't. My kids aren't old enough to care yet.

What? How am I being superior. The people who want to come to my house enjoy gossiping. Nowhere did I say everyone who isn't an introvert does.

“Why can't you just accept other people are different without that meaning that they have some kind of mental health problem.”

I do.