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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

594 replies

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:05

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

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thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/02/2019 01:44

Ladyandgent, I find your at-work personality analysis that claims you're 'charming' 'friendly' etc at odds with your MN persona - happily calls posters (identity as/are introverted) 'strange as fuck' and 'slower in general' and bizarrely telling a poster you don't know from Adam - 'I understand you. I just dont like you'. Your comments were really unwarranted, to the point where I wonder - why so insulting?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/02/2019 07:36

So we're slow,creepy,weird, nutcases and what not. But it's the extroverts that get a bad name. Got it.

MuseumofInnocence · 04/02/2019 07:50

I think some people are mixing introversion up with social phobias or social anxieties, and then trying to claim some strange sort of superiority through it.

I'm an introvert, and I like to spend time on my own, reading or whatever. That doesn't mean I can't pick up the phone if it rings or answer the door.

Seline · 04/02/2019 07:52

Yeah i really dont get why the extroverts are complaining here when its introverts getting called weird.

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Ravenclawclassof84 · 04/02/2019 07:52

So we're slow,creepy,weird, nutcases and what not. But it's the extroverts that get a bad name. Got it.

This is what has struck me about this thread. While some self declared extroverts on here have genuinely engaged and tried to join in a decent discussion about the differences between extroverts and introverts, others have jumped straight to the idea that extroverts are being slagged off, they're getting a hard time and that introverts think they're so superior and cool. Yet those same people are making stupid and insulting comments, calling introverts creepy weirdos and they "don't like them". Claiming to be such chatty, social, welcoming types yet being so narrow minded here and saying they actively exclude people who are not like them. Most posters seem to realise it is possible to discuss the differences between introversion and extroversion without saying one is better than the other, just a few on here that are being bizarre, rude twats.

Seline · 04/02/2019 07:56

Ravenclaw

its a bit of a crude analysis but my theory is its similar to privilege. When you're used to privilege then equality feels like an insult.

Obviously that's talking about things like racism but the general principle, that when you're used to being on top you feel attacked when someone suggests your way might not be the best or only way of doing something.

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PenguinFeathers · 04/02/2019 07:58

I think it is about how you get your energy and everyone is at a point along the same spectrum. Some people, who are highly extrovert gain energy by being around other people. This is where their light shines brightest. When they are alone their energy drains.

People who are highly introvert gain their energy by being alone, this charges their batteries. If they are around a lot of people their energy is drained.

I am on the introvert side but I do think a balance of both introverts and extroverts is needed in life. My DH is more extrovert and whilst he does often drag me into stuff I would rather not attend, he is also an absolute blessing at social events at being the person to get conversation flowing, removing awkward silences and warming people up.

Life is about acceptance that others are different, no one personality type is better than the other.

Almostthere15 · 04/02/2019 08:15

I can't really see that this is primarily about the introversion/extriversion scale as much as whether people are a bit rude to be honest.

I'm v extroverted, to the point where I need to manage myself interrupting/thinking out loud and ensure I don't overwhelm people who don't particularly want a long string of messages for example.

So when someone says to me "Oh I just need some time chilling out" or whatever code version they have for "I'm not coming out to play" while I might get a tiny flicker of oh no what am I going to do, being a decent human means I'll say something like "Oh lovely, have fun". I might then cast my net wider and find others to be with but I wouldn't suggest it was weird or anything.

I don't think there is a correlation between people who can be understanding and polite and one of those personality dimensions so if you have people consrsnrkt questioning (in a judgey way) your need to be alone then maybe you're not picking the right people for your circle?

I don't fully accept that "management" is made up of extroverts either. Because it depends on your industry. Some of the most senior people in mine are very technical specialists who draw their energy from subject matter not those around us. That can make extroverts feel at a disadvantage I guess in the same way introverts do in other settings but they are just preferences to be managed aren't they and you can look at how/if your preference can be an asset.

I accept that some settings (such as primary school) are not suited as a rule to introverts and that can set up a bit of fear/dislike of some settings but it's a bit lazy to imagine that all extraverts are rude and insensitive and all introverts are boring and miserable isn't it?

funnelfanjo · 04/02/2019 08:17

There is a lot of mixing up of introvert/extrovert behaviour with other social behaviours in this thread, which really isn’t helping the discussion.

For example, the first half of isittheholidaysyet post about her DH is not introversion, it’s poor communication skills on his part.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/02/2019 08:25

"There is a lot of mixing up of introvert/extrovert behaviour with other social behaviours in this thread, which really isn’t helping the discussion."

I totally agree with this ^^

I have two introverts on my team, one much more so than the other, but they manage to function perfectly well at work by engaging with their colleagues (not often, but they do), and answering the phone.

I think some of the behaviours talked about on here are more likely to be symptoms of social anxiety. A poster not even owning a mobile so she doesn't have to talk to or messge anyone is rather extreme IMO.

If these extreme "introverts" won't talk to anyone yet are married or have a partner, how on earth did they meet their partners?

Seline · 04/02/2019 08:25

almost sorry if I made you feel like I was saying all extroverts are rude and bossy. In my experience there are more extroverts who don't understand introverts than introverts who don't understand extroverts but it's not everyone.

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Ravenclawclassof84 · 04/02/2019 08:26

Seline I think there may well be something in that. A bit like the hoo ha over the recent Gillette ad: "What do you mean, men are not all awesome already!" Yes I kniw that's pretty crude but it kind of reminds me of that.

I do think a balance of both introverts and extroverts is needed in life

Definitely! 😀

Seline · 04/02/2019 08:30

If these extreme "introverts" won't talk to anyone yet are married or have a partner, how on earth did they meet their partners?

A comic convention.

Ravenclaw Yes it's like when people complain there's no straight pride or white history month. Well yeah because those things are the default and just assumed and accepted. You don't see extroverts moaning about feeling misunderstood because the world caters to them and so they don't feel it.

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MuseumofInnocence · 04/02/2019 08:46

I'm not sure I'm keen on the idea of introverts likening themselves to underprivileged groups (and I speak as someone who would describe myself as an introvert).

Seline · 04/02/2019 08:48

Its a very crude analysis and obviously introverts aren't an oppressed minority but the overarching principle of majority groups feeling hard done by others suggesting different ways of doing things is the same. The socio political background and historical context is radically different.

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goingonabearhunt1 · 04/02/2019 08:50

I'm not sure introverts are disadvantaged either tbh and i would describe myself as more introvert (though nowhere near as extreme as some on here). I can't say I am always being badgered to attend events either, maybe I'm just not that popular Grin

goingonabearhunt1 · 04/02/2019 08:51

The only thing I can think of really is open plan offices, not a fan of those.

Kazzyhoward · 04/02/2019 08:55

I think the big issue that maybe got lost in this long thread is that a lot of the socialites don't have the empathy to even try to understand why others don't want to party or socialise, and that can easily turn into bullying behaviour.

I suffered at one of my previous jobs. They had a very active "social" scene with regular departmental nights out, their own local football and cricket teams, wine-tasting evenings, even a yoga club. I tried a few things but it really wasn't me so I then started to decline. There was A LOT of pressure put on me to attend, not just from other staff, but also management. Then, when they finally realised I wasn't going, the snide remarks started and I became the butt of the office jokes.

After having endured 5 years of mental and physical bullying at school which very nearly ruined my education, I wasn't going to be put into that position again and resigned. Then those same people couldn't understand why I left.

How hard is it to just accept that other people don't want to join in with the partying and socialising?

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2019 08:58

I do worry that some people are not getting help for genuine mental health issues-being an introvert is obviously fine, but being paralysed by social anxiety isn’t. And I’m also not keen on the labelling. Liking staying at home and reading and not wanting to go to riotous parties and get pissed isn’t introversion. Not everything is an -ism!

Almostthere15 · 04/02/2019 09:05

seline thank you for clarifying. It wasn't 'aimed' at anyone in particular and I recognise you've not said that, it's just that it's something I hear elsewhere too so maybe I've become a bit obersensitive to it, and I also think we should challenge rudeness rather than put it down to personality type?

Kazzyhoward · 04/02/2019 09:10

If these extreme "introverts" won't talk to anyone yet are married or have a partner, how on earth did they meet their partners?

Through their workplace, hobbies, etc. Most aren't "extreme" and will engage better with people in smaller groups. There's a massive difference between not wanting to get pissed at parties or pubs every weekend or sitting around gossiping about slebs, as opposed to joining clubs etc which are usually a lot smaller/quieter with people having likeminded interests.

Personally, I've always preferred working in small firms - my only experience working in a large organisation didn't end well! I've always done very well working with a very small group, making some very good friends in the workplace (but never outside).

I met my OH through our local advanced motorist group. It was ideal for us both because it was always one-to-one. Even their social events were usually 1-2-1, such as treasure hunts, manoevrability competitions, table top rallies etc and monthly meetings were usually guest speakers, so if you just wanted to stand/sit in a corner and not be social, that was absolutely fine, but you could also wander around and talk to others if you wanted.

He was also a member of a model railway club. Again, ideal for the less-social, as you could go and just do your own thing or you could talk to people - entirely up to you.

The benefit of both was that there was never any pressure put upon you to confirm to the extroverts' idea of normality. No-one thought any worse of you if you did just sit/stand in a corner - that kind of thing was pretty normal, but at the same time, those same people would come out of themselves to engage, often in great detail, about particular subjects that were of interest to them.

It's the pressure to comply that gets me. When you start putting pressure on me, my default is to retract back into my comfort zone. When I feel more relaxed and less under scrutiny, then I'm more likely to come out of my shell.

toomuchtooold · 04/02/2019 09:16

I didn't have much of a problem at work - I worked in science, so there's a lot of introverts. We went out every couple but it was just a curry and the pub and no pressure to come or not. I think also because we'd go out in a big group, there would be a couple of conversations of like 5 or 6 people and if you don't have a lot to say you can just sit and nod along... I also think we spent most of our days working silently and alone so probably we were not "peopled out" by the end of the day (although when they changed the lab offices to open plan, there was a lot of complaints).

When it really changed for me was when I had my kids, and bloody playdates - people you don't know wanting to come round your house and drink tea. I get that it's a thing people do, and I understand why it is a good thing to do, but like, I'm not the person to do it with. I hate hosting people in my house, and I hate being obliged to find stuff to talk about for two sodding hours. My neighbour keeps pushing this - my kids are old enough to playdate without me, but hers not, so the invitation's always for the whole lot of us. I don't know how to say to without it sounding rude, because I'm not saying "I don't have time this week" I'm saying "I never have time. I never want to do this". But what's the alternative to being rude, should I actually commit to two hours a week just to save her feelings? What if we get another neighbour with kids, do I get dragged into another effing playdate thing? (Maybe I would introduce them to each other). I tried to do the British thing of just taking a long time to respond to texts and stuff but she's just texted my DH to ask whether everything was all right because she hadn't heard from me in a while. Please if you're an extrovert on this thread, and you've ever sent a text like that, can you tell me what you were expecting? Is there a good outcome with a text like that - has anyone in your life ever really turned out to have switched notifications off of their whatsapp by accident and be relieved that you got in touch? Because for me, it's so awkward now. I have to text back. Do I go on this now, for me, incredibly awkward playdate? And if I do I'll be at pains to show how I didn't at all ignore her text because I didn't want to come, so I'll try really hard in the conversation and then she'll be like "that was fun we should totally do it again" and I'll be in even worse trouble. I want to send her a text that says "I'm not that social, my kids are, why don't we just park this until next year when your kid is old enough to do solo playdates and then she's welcome whenever she wants. You're welcome whenever my DH is here, he is also quite antisocial but he at least speaks German as his first language so he can fake sociable for a bit longer than I can".

And I know half a dozen extroverts are going to read this and think "you do realise your company is nothing special, the woman has like 10 times as many friends as you do, she's not hanging there waiting for you to grace her with an invitation" and I actually know that, but I still don't know how to get out of this without being rude.

Kazzyhoward · 04/02/2019 09:16

I do think a balance of both introverts and extroverts is needed in life

Yes - well said. But along with that, more TOLERANCE from each side too. Extroverts need to understand that they can't "cure" an introvert any more than you can "cure" a gay person. Yes, invite people to social events, but accept their refusal with good grace and don't go making them the butt of your jokes, bullying, or making out they need mental health treatment just because they're not like you!

Seline · 04/02/2019 09:24

It's the pressure to comply that gets me. When you start putting pressure on me, my default is to retract back into my comfort zone. When I feel more relaxed and less under scrutiny, then I'm more likely to come out of my shell.

This is exactly it. An extrovert wouldn't accept my "no but let's do something later" recently so I eventually just refused to do anything at all and she can't understand why I'm "being unfriendly". Maybe because you pressured me Hmm

Open plan offices are so annoying. I work in one and I put earphones in. Not attached to anything I just hate noise.

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Seline · 04/02/2019 09:28

Yes, invite people to social events, but accept their refusal with good grace and don't go making them the butt of your jokes, bullying, or making out they need mental health treatment just because they're not like you!

YES.

"Seline do you want to do something Sunday?"

"I'm not up to it at the moment but we can see a film next week?"

"Why aren't you up to it?"

"I'm tired and want some time to myself."

"Oh I can just pop round to yours I won't be a bother"

"Thanks but I just want to be by myself with my husband and kids but we can rearrange!"

"Why?"

"Because I can't relax when I have visitors"

"But I'm DHs relative I'm family"

"Yes but you still don't live in my house and I don't feel comfortable walking around with no bra on reading a book on my sofa of front of you"

"I don't get it."

"Well you don't have to you just have to respect that I want some privacy."

"Yeah but why"

And on and on and on. She can't understand why I now said I'm not hanging out with her next week either...

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