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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
Sindragosan · 02/02/2019 21:21

I left my babies with a variety of relatives while I nipped to the shops, napped etc, but it was my choice and no-one pressured me into it.

It's not so much that he wants to take the baby out, it's he wants to do something you're obviously not comfortable with and is pressuring you into it and not listening to you, that's why he's a dick.

paintinmyhairAgain · 02/02/2019 21:21

he might not want op to go to see the relatives as he feels she might pull rank over him with who holds the baby etc. he is dad so therefore should be encouraged to parent without the other parent.
as for the 'you carried for 9 months' business, urgh, take the sticks out of your arses please. my eldest was born at 28 weeks and i'd have died for him so sorry 9 monthers you don't have the maternal monopoly. your bonding isn't going to be affected by a short time apart either,

WinterWife · 02/02/2019 21:21

OP I fully understand your views and 2 weeks is very early to be taking a baby away from their mammy BUT....

I don't think your DH is doing this maliciously like others are suggesting. Could he be trying to show you how much of a great daddy he is and how he can be trusted to do this parenting thing on his own?

Ask him why he wants to take her out on his own and don't dummies he's doing it for bad reasons.

Ps. congratulations mama, do whatever works for you but reassure DH it's only for a little while till the anxiety runs it's course x

sparklesq · 02/02/2019 21:21

sulflower - was going to add the same thing. I know of women who had to be hospitalised not long after their child's birth and their DHs had to care for the babies and I'm not sure how any of them would feel to read here that being away from them will damage the bond and the stress hormones will fuck their tiny unknowing babies up!! An hour from the baby will not cause PND, nor will it affect the bonding or cause stress to the baby. It may affect the marriage, but so will stopping a dad spending time alone with his own child.

Mummyshark2019 · 02/02/2019 21:22

I see a huge issue with this. And if it carries on it would be enough to make me leave the bastard. Op wants to visit the relatives as a family unit and she is told to stay home. What a mofo. Makes my blood boil.

Kirstiesmith1234 · 02/02/2019 21:22

Totally agree with you OP. There's no need for a baby to be away from their mother. 😀

Houseonahill · 02/02/2019 21:23

Is he on about taking the baby for an hour or two or taking her half way across the country for several days? If the first then I don't really see the issues with that but I do see an issue with him explicitly saying you can't come that is very weird, if you want to go you should be able to and if he is saying you can't go then I don't think I would let him go either because why should he get to tell what you are and aren't doing with your baby

Blackbear10 · 02/02/2019 21:23

He’s treating your child as a possession rather than a tiny human.

Why would a loving father want to take away his young baby from its mother?

Honestly I don’t understand why you wouldn’t both go together? It sounds like he is just trying to exert his power.

Personally anything up to an hour would be fine but longer no way and to want to visit relatives alone with baby is just odd.

Triffictriffid · 02/02/2019 21:23

If you spend any time with any mammalmthat has given birth, unless for some reason they have rejected their young, they carry them around with them or keep them tight by their side constantly. It’s how they’re programmed in order to protect and nurture their babies. We are mammals. We are the same. It’s instinct to keep our babies with us at while they are tiny and most vulnerable.

It’s not about trust or equality it’s about how we are hardwired. The purpose of any species is to breed and perpetuate itself. Keeping our tiny offspring close is something that has been proven to be the best way of doing that for thousands of years.

Your baby is 2 weeks. You need him with you.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 21:24

It's funny the posters saying how you are being unreasonable, but probably the same posters who don't allow visitors to the house after their Baby's are born or don't let their mils babysit etc

That doesn’t follow logic at all! Confused how have you decided that?

ISmellBabies · 02/02/2019 21:26

There's no way on earth anyone would have voluntarily separated me and my newborn baby. You've only just been physically separated into 2 people, no wonder you need to be close. Wtf is your dh thinking? It's very, very weird and, i imagine, anxiety inducing for you. He needs to stop this nonsense of testing your trust by taking the baby away from you, it's stupid and cruel. Do google 4th trimester, and get him to read up on it too.

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 21:26

It doesn't matter what other people would or would not do... point is it will cause you trauma and is that worth it? Why can he not just wait until things have settled down for you a bit?
Some mothers do not want to be separated from their babies at that young age and that is perfectly valid. Surely his primary focus should be what is best for you and the baby, not showing off to or appeasing his family!! Obviously it's important his family get to see the baby but not so important that he should separate you from the baby at only 2 weeks post partum!!! When you gave explicitly told him it will cause you anxiety?! He does sound like a cold hearted dickhead tbh

thewayoftheplatypus · 02/02/2019 21:26

If your happy to go with him to see the relatives I’m not sure why your OH is making such a drama about this. He wants to show his baby off- lovely. His wife wants to come too- also lovely!

For what it’s worth, I totally understand you not wanting your baby out of your sight at this early stage, whether it’s rational or not. I spent hours googling parental rights/what would happen to my baby if we divorced in the early weeks after my oldest was born (we have a very happy marriage) because I was so worried about him ever being away from me. Totally illogical. I got over it after a couple more weeks. But my husband insisting on taking the baby away without me would have only made that worse!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/02/2019 21:27

I don't think any of us can make any judgements until the OP stops being so parsimonious with the details. The fact that she's being evasive and avoiding most of the reasonable questions that have been asked suggest that actually her DH is not being unreasonable, she knows it, so chooses to say very little so that we will all support her on the thread that she's going to show her DH.

There is some really weird shit on this thread about mothers and babies though. The father is a parent too!

LilQueenie · 02/02/2019 21:27

I get the anxiety of anyone but you having the baby and its something that can be worked out. No big deal really. The real problem is wanting to take the baby to relatives without you. Have you asked him why?

EdWinchester · 02/02/2019 21:28

That is weird.

Are you not breast feeding?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/02/2019 21:29

I've googled 4th trimester - the three first months of the newborn's life and the importance of the PARENTS' role in that period.

Not sure what point people are making by referencing it on this thread.

ISmellBabies · 02/02/2019 21:30

The only reason I can think of that he'd need you not to be there is if he wants to go somewhere you wouldn't want him to take the baby, or if he wants to see someone who doesn't want to see you. In both cases, he needs to stop. Is there a relative he/you are no contact with? Does he have any friends you disaprove of or haven’t met? Could there be, or has there ever been an ow or an ex he's in contact with?

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2019 21:30

Not an issue for me. Trust DH. Why wouldn't I.

MotherOfDragonite · 02/02/2019 21:31

Why would somebody who is supposed to love you want to do something that he knows upsets you?

tillytrotter1 · 02/02/2019 21:34

Despite the fact that they would literally be in the next room (my DP included) and I was so desperately tired, I couldn't do it - I had to take dd with me while I had a nap (so I didn't really get any proper sleep)

Serves you right if you didn't get any sleep, does it make you feel superior that you had to take her with you? Despite the MN-allowed view you're only 50% of a child.
I'm hardly surprised that fathers feel pushed out, some women are so jealously possessive of their child, yes only you can breast-feed but if he then refused to do anything, change a nappy etc, you'd be here moaning.

MyOtherProfile · 02/02/2019 21:34

How far away and for how long? If they live on the next street and he wants to pop in for half an hour that's fine. If they live an hour away and he wants to.go for a whole day, then not so much.

Raspberry88 · 02/02/2019 21:35

Some people are and were happy to have time away from their babies, some aren't. Some don't have any choice. Both being comfortable and not being comfortable are valid. There's no need for you to be away from your newborn if you don't want to, you're happy to visit family too so that's the best option. It's not ok for your partner to insist on doing something that will cause you distress, it's just completely unnecessary.

Seline · 02/02/2019 21:35

Who pissed in your orange juice @holly? Despite partaking in conception, our DHs didn't carry the child and birth the child with all the risks that go with that.

Pregnancy and childbirth aren't equal. Sorry.

Seline · 02/02/2019 21:36

Should say tilly.

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