Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
sparklesq · 02/02/2019 21:06

I see this from both sides.

I don't see why you have to be excluded. I also get that you don't want to be apart from your baby. I was the same.

But i see it from his side too. You've had lots of time alone with the baby. He's only had supervised time alone. Maybe he wants to be on his own, show his baby off, take a spin at this new fatherhood thing!

I think if this was the other way around and a father was telling the mother "you can't take your baby out alone without me, I won't allow it as I feel anxious" he would be shot down in flames. So as much as it would cause me anxiety, I think I'd let it fly to show I trusted my baby's father to look after his own child for a while.

Teddyreddy · 02/02/2019 21:08

No way I'd have let DH take either or my two out at that age. Nothing to do with not trusting DH, I just hadn't got used to them no longer being part of me at 2 weeks and it would have felt as nonsensical as him asking if he could take my arm out for a walk without me. Admittedly, both of mine screamed in pushchairs until 6 months old so it never occurred to DH to want to try a walk either!

I started occasionally going out by myself to do errands from them bring about 8 weeks old (breastfeeding so before then difficult with unpredictable feeding).

IncrediblySadToo · 02/02/2019 21:08

She is two weeks old. TWO WEEKS

He is being an utter twat. He’s being ridiculous, selfish and stupid. He is putting you under undue stress and increasing your risk of PND.

WTAF is he thinking and WHY does he want to take his DD away from all she knows - you. She’s been inside YOUR body growing for 9 months. Yes, he’s her Dad, but he needs to respect that currently, you’re her primary bond and you are the one with the physical need to have her with you. It’s how the species survives!

He’s putting you at a far higher risk of PND because he’s threatening that bond.

He needs to grow up and fast. This is about putting DD first and his wife, the woman who has just had his baby a very close second...his ego/pride/stupidity doesn’t get a look in.

I’m SO angry for you that he’s doing this. You should be bonding as a family and creating a loving environment for DD, not arguing & stressing about him wanting to take her away from you. This has the potential to cause long term damage to your relationship and trust if he doesn’t do some research and genuinely understand why what he is doing is really damaging. Paying lip service because you’ve said no, isn’t enough.

Seline · 02/02/2019 21:08

I'm probably being oversensitive but can people please stop saying "well you carried the baby for 9 months so that's why", some of us had preterm deliveries and we love our babies just the same.

RJnomore1 · 02/02/2019 21:09

He's her dad, what harm do you think he would let her come to?

I never get these threads at all. I always viewed us both as parents who shared things including time alone with the kids right from the word go.

I've also never once had to moan about dh not pulling his weight with them because from the start he took on the responsibility.

I get that your baby is tiny so most of that isn't meant for you op but for the ridiculous posters who still seem to have their teens strapped to them in a baby carrier.

But try to slowly build up your trust in letting him be solo with her - it's a good thing in the long run.

MintTeaLady · 02/02/2019 21:09

I would be very very suspicious of my DH if he wanted to do this. I feel like there must be a backstory with his family. I don’t know any men who would want to take their newborn baby away from its mother

sulflower · 02/02/2019 21:10

I don't see the issue with it either. I was seriously ill in hospital two weeks after my daughter was born and had no choice but to leave her with her dad. It certainly hasn't caused any long term bonding issues, we are very close.

Why anyone would be suspicious of a dad wanting to take a baby out on his own beats me.

SmileEachDay · 02/02/2019 21:10

Seline

I said that - I’m sorry if that upset you. Mine was preterm also, I was just using it as shorthand for “you grew her for the entire time she was growing”.

SquigglySquaw · 02/02/2019 21:11

You are so not being unreasonable. I couldn't be away from my newborn. Even when I was exhausted, I refused because it gave me so much anxiety. Nothing to do with trust, I needed him and he needed me.

I just don't understand why he'd want to take the baby without you, it's so bizarre.

Seline · 02/02/2019 21:11

A dad wanting to take the baby out while his partner sleeps/is at work or something is fine.

A dad explicitly requesting his partner not be there is suspicious.

explodingkitten · 02/02/2019 21:11

I'm probably being oversensitive but can people please stop saying "well you carried the baby for 9 months so that's why", some of us had preterm deliveries and we love our babies just the same.

Yes you are a bit oversensitive. Unless the baby was two weeks late the full term babies weren't inside for nine months but for 8,5. It's a bit of a faff to make the same point saying, well you carried your baby for 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 months so you are all they know. It's still all the baby knows.

Seline · 02/02/2019 21:12

smile it's okay I reckon I am being really precious, it just stings a bit sometimes to be reminded of how shit the start was

SarahAndQuack · 02/02/2019 21:13

I also see this from both sides. I don't see why he'd do something he knows you'd be upset about, and I don't quite get why he'd want to see relatives alone.

OTOH it would never have occurred to me to ask my DP's permission to go out with my own daughter, just because she was the bio mum. I remember the first day back from hospital I popped to the shops with her while DP was asleep upstairs, leaving a note to say where we'd gone. In the hospital itself (we were in for a fair few days so got into a bit of a routine) I'd sometimes take her for a little wander if DP was asleep and she was awake. I just can't imagine being expected to ask DP each time, and I would have felt rather peculiar if she'd had a blanket rule against me going anywhere without her.

LagunaBubbles · 02/02/2019 21:14

So many replies completely alien to my experience here. I trust my DH otherwise I wouldnt be with him and certainly not have children with him. I didn't have any issues at all with him taking them out when they were babies, they were his children to. It does sound as if you have issues in your relationship which have nothing to do with this.

ElevenSmiles · 02/02/2019 21:15

I think it's lovely he wants to take the baby out.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 02/02/2019 21:15

I personally would have been anxious for my babies to be taken away from me. Not because I didn't trust anyone else to have them but just because I needed to have them near me.
I happily leave them with dh or relatives now but the early months I just had this overwhelming instinct. It's a normal reaction.
Why is he pushing for it so much when you've suggested a compromise of going with and to wait for you to be ready?
He doesn't sound very supportive.

Oysterbabe · 02/02/2019 21:16

Not wanting to be separated from your newborn has nothing to do with not trusting your partner or issues in your relationship.

Thehop · 02/02/2019 21:16

The thought of being away from my baby in the first few months makes me feel sick. I still don’t like it now and she’s 2.

You should google 4th trimester and show him why you need to be near each other now, and for the foreseeable.

I don’t get why he’s trying to cut you out of visits? It’s weird.

rwalker · 02/02/2019 21:17

Dads point of view here
I took mine out from few days old not bf same as you and can't tell you how much I valued that time and felt great . Got time on my own and dw got a PROPER break .
Tbh I would of felt insulted it's as though you are saying he is not capable or to be trusted no new parent is an expert and we all learn as we go along .
The danger is if you carry on like this you will push him away if you won't trust him with his own child . He will think why bother if you have to control everything and clear don't trust him and just let you get on with it

Gentlygently · 02/02/2019 21:17

I am not quite sure about the scenarios here.

Tired mum who can’t sleep because every snuffle the baby wakes she wakes up, Dad suggests he takes the baby for a walk for 40 mins - fine and normal.

Dad suggets that the first time the grandparents meet the baby it should be with him and not the mother, even though the mother wants to go - weird.

Which one is it?

Nannewnannew · 02/02/2019 21:18

smileEachDay are you normally this dramatic? 🤷🏼‍♀️

snowflakesnow · 02/02/2019 21:18

I understand where you are coming from op because I was in the same position.

It's not that you don't trust dp at all. In my case it was about other people being around my baby when I wasn't there. My dp would have pandered to them and knew that others would be more hands on and do what they want with the baby because I wasn't there hovering like a helicopter.

It's funny the posters saying how you are being unreasonable, but probably the same posters who don't allow visitors to the house after their Baby's are born or don't let their mils babysit etc

IncrediblySadToo · 02/02/2019 21:19

All of this type of nonsense...(and there’s plenty of it)

*DC is 50:50 his’ ‘it’s just as much his’

Their DD is not a bloody toy. She’s a real little person. A very tiny baby who needs to be with her Mum and her Mum needs to be with her. You can’t ignore the fact that the baby still views herself as part of her mother and her mother’s hormones are designed to keep her baby CLOSE and safe. If some women don’t feel this, that’s sad, but it doesn’t mean others don’t. The babies will feel it, either way.

Smellbellina · 02/02/2019 21:19

When DD was a baby MIL looked after her one afternoon so me and DP could spend some time together, we set off to a nearby town that I love, but it’s in another county. As we got to the county border I realised I couldn’t bear to be in a different county to her and he had to turn around.
Completely irrational but really meant something to me at the time. And this was when DD was months old!

SmileEachDay · 02/02/2019 21:21

smileEachDay are you normally this dramatic?

Eh?

The OP asked for help articulating why a woman might be anxious being away from her baby. I tried to do that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread