DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

[StarFleece]

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

I may have read your other thread, apologies if I've got it mixed up with someone else but is it that you don't want to go out to in laws at two weeks so he wants to go anyway.

I think you DH is being quite dense.

Your baby is tiny; you've just given birth after carrying baby for 9 months. If he wants to visit his family, he can take you and the baby or he can go by himself. Very unsettling he wants to deliberately make you anxious by separating you from your newborn and leave you at home alone while he visits family, family you get on with!

I'd pull him up sharply on this. It's just not done. Who deliberately sets out to unsettle their hormonal, recovering partner in this way?!?

Op YANBU.

While I get its the Dads baby I think mothers instincts are too strong for this. Some mum's might be ok with it, other not so. You aren't ok with it, so that should be the end of it. You go as a family to show of the new born.

People would regard it as cruel to separate a bitch or cat from her young if it wasn't necessary at just a couple of weeks old.

My son is 7 months and I still haven't gone anywhere without him. At 2 weeks it's totally unreasonable for him to expect you to be ok with him taking her out without you. Why does he even want to that? If you're anything like me and like a lot of new mums you'll be wracked with anxiety the whole time. Give it a few weeks when you're ok with it. You birthed her it's your choice.

I think I'm clearly in the minority, I wouldn't have minded DH taking DS out alone at any time after he was born. I was always happy to have some breathing space. I'd often have a bath or nap 😳 DS is my husband's son, I'd never say "no" to them spending time together, but like I said I'm in the minority.

However if your DP is saying your not allowed to come, that's different and you both need a discussion around banning partners on attending things, which is odd!

My mom and dp took baby out from a few weeks old to let me rest. But it was for 30min- 1 HR for a walk. I was exhusted and had quite bad blood loss etc in birth so was struggling. It really helped me.
It's your baby and it's your choice, but it wouldn't bother me for a very short time if they were nearby eg a walk or in living room but I wouldn't have liked him taking baby away far in case he needed to feed etc (ebf).
Maybe talk to your DP about your concerns and encorgae alone time in the house with baby eg while you shower etc if he feels pushed out as that helps you, baby and him.

It depends for how long and why. When DS was three weeks DH and I went into town together to do some last minute Christmas shopping, I'd planned to do mine the weekend I went into labour. I had some things I needed to get for DH so suggested we separate for a couple of hours, I suggested DH take DS if he wanted to as he only had to get gift wrap and one thing then was going to get a coffee. I breast feed but had just fed him and told DH to call me if he was upset or hungry (he was asleep). DH checked I was definitely ok with it and was chuffed to be with DS, he got a lot of attention from some older ladies fussing over baby and perpetuating stereotypes 'oh well aren't you amazing looking after your baby and by yourself!' (I doubt they would've said the same to me)

My baby was breastfed on demand. At two weeks she was still so unpredictable with her feeding the idea of my not being on hand was incomprehensible.

We went out together lots.

At around 6 weeks he took her for a walk round the local park in a sling and was out for 30 min.

It gets easier but it is totally biologically normal for you to feel the overwhelming need to be in constant contact with your newborn.

I’ve just remembered that my first born was whisked away from me less than an hour after birth to be shown around the hospital! my mum was a senior midwife there and wanted to show off her first grandchild to her colleagues. Then EXp had him on his own while I went off for a bath.

I think its awful that he is bullying you at this vulnerable time.

Regarding your baby, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not right. Stand up to that bully and stay with your baby as long as you want.

I didn't like to be away from my baby at that age, I think what you are feeling is totally normal.

Op yanbu

It’s nature at work here and I’m afraid you can’t help feeling anxious. You’ve spent 9 months growing this human, and as a mother you are programmed to not want to be away from your dc. It will make you feel anxious, it’s a survival thing.

On a more practical note, why on earth doesn’t he want you to go with him? Is it a ‘hey look at me being a great dad and bringing my newborn to see you on my own’ ‘aren’t I a fantastic dad’ it’s just plain odd. And I find it very distressing that he’s happy to put you through that to prove you trust him.

What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he very stupid?

It's completely different being separated in the same building (going for a nap or a shower) to having someone take them out.

Mine were in NICU and I still didn't like it once they were discharged.

What worries me is why he wants to so badly. Is FGM a possibility? Or some other cultural practice you might not approve of?

it really doesn't matter who would or wouldn't be fine with it, you're not and that's what your dh has to understand.
it's a big deal for mum's going through pregnancy then giving birth, 2 weeks is no time, what's wrong with dh's family visiting you all at home, surely that makes more sense.
Your dh is being very very unreasonable, at this stage his job is to support you and dd, there's plenty ways he can bond with dd that doesn't involve taking her away , for presumably a few hours,without you also weird he doesn't want you to go if you are happy to do so.

Picklemoon that's my thinking too. I'm from a multicultural family and there are definitely relatives who would disrespect a mothers wishes and perform traditions behind her back (thankfully nothing vile like FGM).

God I can't spell, pickleme!

DD is seven months old. DH recently walked to the shops with her in her pram without me. That was the first time he's had her alone outside the house.

The family thing is very weird. Why doesn't he want you to come to see them? You're all family, they're your family too. I'm always there when we see DH's family and vice versa.

Lovely post smile and not dramatic at all.
I'm all for equal parenting but what is best for the baby right now is mum.

Secondly I also find it very very suspicious he wants to take her alone don't like that one bit

Nothing wrong with him taking his DD out without you but why is it important to him that you don't go?

Nowhere near enough info from OP to make an informed call but based on what they’ve said YABU. I don’t see any issue with the DF taking out the DC, with or without you

It's not him going out without her it's the insistence she not be there.

I ebf and still didn’t mind dh taking him out alone for a bit right after a feed. Maybe for an hour or so. We did this regularly.

But I’d have found it very odd if he’d taken him to visit relatives without me.

I commented then and I’ll comment again.
He is an abusive piece of shit.