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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 05/02/2019 03:00

A mother not wanting to be separated from a 2-week-old baby is absolutely not a sign of anxiety. It is perfectly normal.

deadsexy · 05/02/2019 03:07

@IncrediblySadToo

Perfectly put

mathanxiety · 05/02/2019 03:53

Anxiety about separation from a baby at two weeks is perfectly normal, felt by the vast majority of women, and not in any way a harbinger of future MH issues.

Lack of anxiety otoh is a flag for bonding issues and other issues in the mother. It is most unusual for it not to be.

The normal, natural anxiety on the part of mothers wrt separation and the desire to be close to the baby at all times is one of the reasons the human race survived this far.

The only thing that has caused the OP distress is the idiot she is married to.

NotANotMan · 05/02/2019 04:28

'Golden uterus syndrome' Hmm ODFOD

mathanxiety · 05/02/2019 04:42

Yes, that is that 'Golden uterus syndrome' thing - uterus envy?

mathanxiety · 05/02/2019 04:43

'What is', not 'that is'..

Claudia1980 · 05/02/2019 05:18

YABCU!!! What is wrong with that? I’d think if you had complete trust in your partner that you shouldnt have anxiety at all and would welcome the break. What is your problem?? If you are a high maintenance, uptight, routine dependent person then I can undeterstand it a bit more but it doesn’t make it right.

Claudia1980 · 05/02/2019 05:22

Yes and the “you won’t allow it” comments! Are you serious? You sound like a massive control freak. Imagine it reversed. A man saying “I won’t allow it” then think about it...,

HappyAndYouKnowItGlugTheWine · 05/02/2019 05:35

In the minority but wouldn't be an issue for me DH taking baby to visit his parents or something in the first few weeks without me - when this happened with DC I welcomed the chance to have a bath and grab something to eat. DH always invited me along though - he never told me I couldn't go with him which is, I guess, the difference here

Shmithecat · 05/02/2019 05:43

Claudia1980
YABCU!!! What is wrong with that? I’d think if you had complete trust in your partner that you shouldnt have anxiety at all and would welcome the break. What is your problem?? If you are a high maintenance, uptight, routine dependent person then I can undeterstand it a bit more but it doesn’t make it right.

Uptight, routine led, high maintenance are not 3 words to describe me. And I wouldn't be happy about anyone taking 2 week old ds out of the house without me, especially being told at the same time that I can't go with them. You're a paediatrican. Not a fucking psychologist. Worry about forcefully being parted from your newborn at 2 weeks is totally normal. I'll throw a spanner in and day it's bloody weird if you don't care about it. Serious detachment issues?

Blondebakingmumma · 05/02/2019 06:09

I would not be separated from my babies. I would go with DH if visiting. My husband understood and was supportive

Raspberry88 · 05/02/2019 07:02

A mother not wanting to be separated from a 2-week-old baby is absolutely not a sign of anxiety. It is perfectly normal.

Exactly. I think that the use of the word anxiety has confused the issue somewhat. OP has said that she feels anxious about being separated from her baby at 2 weeks old. This is completely and perfectly normal and always has been. Feeling anxious is a natural response to an uncomfortable situation, it doesn't mean she has anxiety. Many, many other posters here have said that they would not have liked to be separated from their baby so early...the baby is 2 weeks old, tiny! On top of that OPs partner is annoyed with her for asking him to wait a few weeks and is insisting that she be excluded from this visit...no wonder she's not feeling great.

BusterGonad · 05/02/2019 07:26

This is one of the strangest threads I've read in ages, I didn't realize that this was a thing. I wouldn't have had a problem with my husband (then boyfriend) taking** OUR son out for the sat, in fact I was over joyed to get the break. He'd never have demanded leaving me at home though. I've heard of dads not being allowed their child solo and I've always thought it was absolutely crazy!

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 07:43

But @boombooomscousin you said upthread that Op's behaviour isn't serious enough to be classed as anxiety, so isn't that a strawman?

I think the main issue on this thread is that the mums who couldn't wait to get shot of their newborns for a bit can't conceive that other mums don't want to and vice versa. There is a range of human experience that comes under the banner of normal, and, as can be seen by the number of pps on both sides, both points of view are common enough to be seen as such. In my opinion, anyway.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2019 08:30

I was talking about postpartum anxiety disorder, Reagan. Which has particular criteria and has been found to correlate with poor bonding. The OP says she gets extreme anxiety at being away from her baby and that it’s affecting her actions, and I believe her.

Also, not being anxious about the idea of your newborn spending time with her father, or even wanting a break is not in any way remotely the same as wanting to “get shot” of her.

Raspberry88 · 05/02/2019 08:42

No... but the OP has already said she's not anxious about being apart from her baby for a short while or with the father looking after the baby whilst she has a nap or shower, it's specifically that he wants to take her to see relatives and wants to exclude her from that. It's completely understandable. It's also pretty normal to exaggerate your feelings to prove a point and that's exactly what I think is happening when the OP describes 'extreme anxiety.' Nothing else about her posts say postpartum anxiety disorder to me.

Raspberry88 · 05/02/2019 08:45

Also, it's completely inappropriate to start diagnosing people online. Poor OP is feeling a perfectly normal amount of worry at 2 weeks pp and both her partner and a load of the posters on here are saying that she's completely wrong and unwell and acting strangely...well that's bound to help.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2019 09:04

Confused What are you talking about? No one’s claimed she has postpartum anxiety disorder.

Being so anxious you refuse to let the child’s father leave the house with his daughter isn’t “a perfectly normal” amount of worry. It’s fairly extreme. It’s understandable at only 2 weeks and will probably ease up soon. But generally speaking pandering to anxiety tends to make it worse, so just going along with it as normal and fine without any consideration of its potential to be a problem or acknowledgement that it’s not ideal is maybe not the best idea.

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 09:11

Being so anxious you refuse to let the child’s father leave the house with his daughter isn’t “a perfectly normal” amount of worry.

It's not about who takes the baby and where. It's that the mother wants to be with the baby at all times, which is perfectly normal at 2 weeks postpartum.

Allowing her to stay with the baby is not 'pandering' to her. When you create a human being from scratch you should be entitled to spend as much time with them as you want in the early days.

Raspberry88 · 05/02/2019 09:24

What are you talking about? No one’s claimed she has postpartum anxiety disorder

Well, I apologise then but that is exactly how your previous post read to me.

FrenchJunebug · 05/02/2019 09:27

why do you not want him to take her out?! he is the dad.

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 09:27

@Raspberry88

It is tricky. BoomBoom seems to be saying that how OP feels is normal but simultaneously that it's extreme anxiety and shouldn't be 'pandered to, making links to postpartum anxiety and then saying the op doesn't have that.... I'm having difficulty understanding what they mean too.

NoParticularPattern · 05/02/2019 09:39

I don’t think it’s weird that he wants to spend time alone with the baby, what I find weird is the refusal to allow you to come. Now if he’d said “look, I’ll take the baby to see my mam for a couple of hours and you can get some sleep” I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I equally still don’t think it would be unreasonable even in that conversation to have replied with “I’d rather you just had the baby at home, I’m not sure I’d sleep anyway if I know you’re not close by”. I dont think it’s reasonable of him to say “I want to take baby to my relatives” and when she’s said “sure we can go this weekend” he says he wants to go alone and then kicks off because she doesn’t get why he wants to go alone and that she doesn’t want to be separated.

The issue isn’t really whether he should be allowed to have the baby- of course he has a right to be allowed to have the baby! It’s his baby! But the issue is that he’s being weird about demanding to go alone when there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it and then kicking off because she DOES have a reason why he shouldn’t go alone. She isn’t saying don’t go, never visit your relatives, become a hermit. She’s just saying she isn’t comfortable with being apart from her baby at this early stage and that’s absolutely ok. It doesn’t mean she won’t leave the baby with him until they’re a teenager!

feralfanny · 05/02/2019 13:43

@NotANotMan - ODFOD yourself! Very mature!
@ReaganSomerset - we can't assume that the father wouldn't look after the baby either can we.
At the end of the day babies have two parents. Just because Mum grew it in her womb doesn't make her superior or more capable or give her the veto over all decisions. Of course hormones play a part but we also need to grow up and see the irrational side for what it is - nonsense!!!
A child is not in danger if taken out of the house for a few hours with its other parent who loves it as much as it's mother does!!!

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 13:59

That's a lot of exclamation marks, @feralfanny. At 2 weeks postpartum, yes, I do think that the mother's wishes, provided that they don't harm or endanger the infant, should take priority over the father's where they disagree. Controversial, I know, but the baby will be most relaxed at this stage with its mother, the mother will be most relaxed with the infant. I see no good reason for the father to need to take the baby out without the mother against her wishes in this case. They could all go together. Why cause distress to mother and baby unnecessarily?

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