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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
confusednorthner · 02/02/2019 20:55

Why doesn't he want you all to go? I'd think dh was very weird if he suggested he was going to visit family with a new baby but didn't want me to go....

CostanzaG · 02/02/2019 20:55

I've got to say, as long as it was only for a couple of hours I wouldn't ( and didn't) have a problem with it.
He's the child's father and is just as entitled to spend time alone with her as you are.

Chimmychunga · 02/02/2019 20:56

Not in a million years. No newborn should be away from its mother.

Your baby dosn't understand s/he's not apart of you now as all s/he's known is being with you. Your baby thinks you are one entity and shouldn't be separated unless extreme circumstances. E.g. Mum is really Ill and needs to go into hospital. Even then, they'll try and keep mum and baby together.

Like PP said, Google the 4th trimester.

I think asking MW or HV to have a stern word to this ignorant fool explain to DH as it will have more effect coming from a medical professional than strangers on the internet.

gamerchick · 02/02/2019 20:57

If you actually want people to advise you need to stop playing silly games and respond to people's questions

Indeed! In fact I'm half expecting this scenario to be on daytime telly next week.

Schmoobarb · 02/02/2019 20:58

He’s being a dick. I’d find it really hurtful that he wanted to exclude you.

Chewbecca · 02/02/2019 20:58

2 totally separate issues here.

  • it should be fine for him to take his child out without you
  • it is weird that he wants to visit family without you when you want to go.
ArchieStar · 02/02/2019 20:58

Just seen your update... could one of his relatives have made him out to be a joke (“Ha! As if you’re having a kid poor thing, knowing you you’ll drop it!” For instance) and he wants to take her to prove he is capable? If not and he can’t think of a good reason why you shouldn’t go I’d be questioning it too OP

BonBonVoyage · 02/02/2019 20:58

It's completely normal for a new mother not to want to be separated from the baby. Your hormones dictate that you want to be close if not actually holding the baby all the time. The mother /baby pair is considered a dyad, I understand that to be two parts of the same whole
Your DH is being horrible. I'm sorry he's so un-understanding

chicken2015 · 02/02/2019 20:59

Im in minority too, i dont see massive issue with it, its not just the mothers baby but fathers baby too, me and my husband was def 50% each for first 2 weeks when husband was off work, i see them first 2 weeks as precious time that the dad needs bonding too, due to being at work after majority of the time

TheBigFatMermaid · 02/02/2019 20:59

No way would I have been happy to let any of my three DC away from me that young!!

It's not even a PFB thing, it's a new mum to a baby who needs her thing.

ChariotsofFish · 02/02/2019 20:59

I think it’s totally normal to feel how you’re feeling (and also normal not to). The first time my DH took DS out alone I had thought it would be great and I’d have a nap. But I was completely restless and couldn’t relax until they were back! I think DS was about 3 or 4 weeks at the time, as he’d been in hospital. He needs to respect your feelings, you’re still in the post natal period and very vulnerable.

Schmoobarb · 02/02/2019 21:01

I’m not sure the MW or HV wlll say much, it’s a domestic matter. The first time my HV turned up my husband had taken the baby to show his work and so wasn’t even in, the HV didn’t make any kind of comment about it.

Bestseller · 02/02/2019 21:01

I think society has done such a good job of persuading men that parenting should be equal that they feel they miss out on all the 121 time mums get in the early days while they are at work. He wants his share. That doesn't make it right but maybe understandable?

mum11970 · 02/02/2019 21:01

Never had any problem with my my dh taking our kids out on his own when they were newborn. It may be a ‘thing’ to you but it’s certainly not a ‘thing’ to everyone.

cushioncuddle · 02/02/2019 21:01

Attachment is extremely important and takes time to develop.

The their are a number of reasons a baby needs to be with it's mother for the first few weeks.

The baby needs a constant smell, sound and vision. They need to see , feel and hear something familiar constantly. This is for reassurance so they no their main carer is there. This eliminates stress and anxiety.

A baby needs to bond. It takes time to be permanent. This is why they need their mum near them to develop this.

A baby has been inside its mother for nine months. There is familiarity and they gain comfort from this.

A mother produces hormones that make their brain need to be with their baby constantly. This happens to help attachment and for the baby to be cared for.

If the mother is put under stress the baby picks up on this and can negatively affect attachment. The baby feeds off the stress of its mother.

So in short it's wrong to separate baby and mother for the babies sake and can cause depression and anxiety in the mother.

There are studies being done at the moment on mothers that under stress and the effect that has on attachment to the baby and even the unborn baby.

Attachment is not just the relationship between mother and baby. It effects how they form all relationships as they go through their life. With parents and relatives. Friends. Long term partners and work relationships. It effects their whole life for the rest of their life b

Seline · 02/02/2019 21:02

I'd be really suspicious in that circumstance OP. Really suspicious.

Peakypolly · 02/02/2019 21:04

I agree with those who say he has as much right to spend time with your LO as you do. Obviously if you are bf then time apart from you will be limited by feeding parameters.
The only other person I knew who would lay their life down for my child is their DF.
Due to your equal, overwhelming love for your child this seems a weird situation to occur however. Surely neither of you would want to create tensions between you during these special early days of your LO’s life.

irdgaf · 02/02/2019 21:04

You need to find out why he wants to take the baby alone if you really don't want to be separated.
I personally didn't have a problem with dh taking baby without me I was glad of the rest as my 1st ds hardly slept for the first 4 weeks of his life. My dm even had him when he was 5 days old at her house for a few hours while I slept and had a shower then I went to hers. Dm also had him over night when he was a few weeks old.
With my dd, dh took her out by himself the day after she was born and I was again grateful as I had my dc very close together.
Everyone is different and you certainly shouldn't be made to feel anyway by anybody.

gambaspilpil · 02/02/2019 21:05

Not a chance would I be letting my OH head out with my newborn to meet his relatives without me. The fact he wants to do this is just bizarre. I have 4 DC and never has my OH wanted to remove my DC from me and visit his family. I find these threads amusing when you get the ; the DC is 50% his', yep and i have carried that little being for 9mths and no one is forcing me to hand over my little one at 2 weeks old . The fact he wants to and thinks it perfectly acceptable to exclude you from him taking your DC to meet his family is worrying in itself.

BeautifulPossibilities · 02/02/2019 21:05

Any man who watched me birth a baby and then removed said baby from me at two weeks old would be out on his ear. Fuck sake. How to kick off new Mum anxiety. I think I might have physically growled if he had tried this

cushioncuddle · 02/02/2019 21:05

So many typos oops !

MadeForThis · 02/02/2019 21:06

The key to this is why he doesn't want you to go.

That is very strange.

Wanting to give you time to catch up on sleep etc is normal. Wanting to take the baby and not allowing you to go is strange.

Aenn · 02/02/2019 21:06

It’s natural for the mother not to want to leave the baby, particularly at 2 weeks old. Nothing to do with trust and everything to do with the fact that the baby lived inside the mother for 9 months.

Cookit · 02/02/2019 21:06

Mine would take ours out for some fresh air but never go far and not long. He knew how important keeping a breastfed baby close to their mother was. However sometimes it was nice to feel alone (even if they were 50 metres away outside), for me anyway.
The baby was closer to a year and capable of going longer between feeds before he took them for long.

I just don’t understand why he feels the need to take the baby to his relatives alone.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/02/2019 21:06

It’s weird that he doesn’t want you to come with him to visit relatives.

It’s also weird that you won’t allow him to have his child alone outside of your house.

Both positions are weird.

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