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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 04/02/2019 10:51

Seriously? You think a Mother feeling highly anxious about the thought of being apart from her TWO WEEK old baby is a flag for future MH issues in the child?

Seriously. I think there are a lot of attitudes and issues on this thread to explain why there are so many anxious kids these days.

Raspberry88 · 04/02/2019 11:15

CJsGoldfish

Wow. Sounds...scientific. Could you expand upon that a little? I imagine you'll struggle!

ReaganSomerset · 04/02/2019 13:15

Seriously. I think there are a lot of attitudes and issues on this thread to explain why there are so many anxious kids these days.

Yeah, it's not like the good old days when mothers used to leave their babies with their husbands at days old because they were so relaxed about everything. The 50:50 parenting of the 1950s and 60s is well-documented. That must be the reason we see more anxiety these days.

It's not that we now listen to children and actually diagnose mental illnesses like anxiety, where before we'd have lightly ridiculed them, maybe given them a slap if they were refusing to go to school or misbehaving, told them that they should just hit the bullies back and stop whinging about it. Not that we're better at understanding and identifying anxiety these days as a genuine medical condition. Not that we now label children as more or less able from age three using standardised assessments, and then again at ages 5 and 11. Not that we have changed since what we expect from children dramatically and now teachers are having to hothouse them to get them ready for testing. Nothing else that's changed about childhood.

No, it's the mums not wanting to separate from them at 2 weeks old. You've nailed it.

ReaganSomerset · 04/02/2019 13:19

(As a matter of fact, studies have shown that the way to raise confident, independent children is for the primary care-giver to be there for them as much as possible and totally responsive to them as far as possible until two years old, in order to form a strong attachment. The first 12 months are critical for forming that attachment and the younger they are the more important it is).

NotANotMan · 04/02/2019 14:31

It's obviously not the case that not feeling anxious at a short separation from your newborn is a predictor of poor attachment and mental health issues for the child. BUT it is perfectly normal for mothers to feel anxious at the prospect of separation; some can manage short periods, some longer, and some have no choice (health issues etc)
Attachment between a mother and newborn is extremely interdependent at that early stage and this can and does result in mothers feeling anxious, tearful, panicky etc at the prospect of separation.
When it affects the mother to the point that she can't allow the baby out of the room without her for example that is an unhealthy response but other than that most things are 'normal'. To deny that women have a strong, possessive need for proximity to their newborns in most cases is denying biology and normal emotional responses.

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2019 16:56

Yes. The babies of the 50s and 60s. Wrapped up and parked outside in their pranks until bottle time.

Onecutefox · 04/02/2019 17:59

I doubt women in the 1950s would leave their babies days after birth. Years it was common to stay indoors to recover. Also they didn't have good towels to absorb the bleeding.

NotANotMan · 04/02/2019 18:32

Women in the 60s had 2 weeks in hospital as standard!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 04/02/2019 18:45

I doubt women in the 1950s would leave their babies days after birth.

Umm babies in the 50’s were trundled off to the nursery in the hospital almost as soon as they were born and brought to mum every few hours for feeding and for evening visiting. Mums certainly weren’t spending the two weeks doing skin to skin and bonding.

CJsGoldfish · 04/02/2019 19:39

CJsGoldfish

Wow. Sounds...scientific. Could you expand upon that a little? I imagine you'll struggle!

Meh.
There actually are studies on how anxious parents create anxious children. It's nothing new.
There are levels of anxiety beyond the norm on this thread as well as really strange ideas about what babies need as if it were the absolute truth.
So yeah, I have no doubt that the result will be more children with 'anxiety'. Not sure why anyone has an issue with that

Boysandbuses · 04/02/2019 19:48

Hmm I am not sure that's proof.

I don't think there are more anxious kids. I think it's more widely recognised and labelled. When I look back to being a kid in the late 80s and 90s I can tell you there were loads of kids that would now have diagnosis for all sorts of mental health problems and/or special needs.

It's just wasn't acknowledged then. I remember loads of people in my school being anxious and told to get over it.

Raspberry88 · 04/02/2019 19:56

CJsGoldfish
What would you say the 'norm' is? I imagine those studies focus on children who are of an age where they can pick up on that anxiety and see it as normal. Maybe you could link to a study?
I haven't seen anyone here talking about feeling anxiety beyond what I would say is normal. Most people are saying that as their babies got older they felt more and more able to leave them for periods of time. It is clearly natural to feel that you need to keep your baby close in the immediate postnatal period (not that it's wrong to not feel that way.) There are plenty of more compelling reasons for an increase in anxiety in children and young people these days, ReaganSomerset has listed some and I would add a rise in use of social media and everything that entails...online bullying, a feeling of always being available and reachable, an image focused world. Lots and lots of reasons.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/02/2019 22:02

Reagan responsiveness may well but good for raising confident children, but responsiveness is more difficult when you have anxiety - because you respond to your own fear, not just your child's needs. Postpartum anxiety (which, I want to emphasise, is more serious than being a bit anxious about being away from your 2 week old baby) is correlated with poorer mother-child bonding.

ReaganSomerset · 04/02/2019 22:05

which, I want to emphasise, is more serious than being a bit anxious about being away from your 2 week old baby

Exactly.

feralfanny · 04/02/2019 22:34

Golden Uterus Syndrome!
Google it!!
Some of these posts are totally bonkers
the only controlling behaviour comes from the OP refusing to 'allow' her DH to take his own child out to visit his family!!! He loves the child as much as her and will feel as protective! It is about trust and the dad is right to be pissed off.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/02/2019 22:37

No one (as far as I've seen) has said that the anxiety the OP is currently feeling will cause problems for her child. What has been said is that it's important to keep an eye on feelings of anxiety, because if they do no dissipate then they are likely to lead to problems.

After which MNs anxiety normalising gang come out and try and make out that people who aren't anxious are horrible/uncaring/abnormal/etc. and insinuate anxiety is good and has benefits - which is not the case. Anxiety is not good for you. It's not good for your children or your relationships. It's debilitating and costly for those that have it and the people around them. Fortunately, it's very treatable (providing you aren't in some way invested in being anxious because it's normalised or lauded as good thing).

Nuyearnume · 04/02/2019 22:48

Congrats on the new born! Maybe he just wants to show them how he is managing? I understand it’s a big deal. Would it be possible for his relatives to come to your house? Maybe you could call see a friend for 30mins? Or have a bath. Go upstairs and relax for 30 mins? Gives him a bit of time alone but you are close by and can join the visit when you want?

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 00:08

Seriously? You think a Mother feeling highly anxious about the thought of being apart from her TWO WEEK old baby is a flag for future MH issues in the child?

Seriously. I think there are a lot of attitudes and issues on this thread to explain why there are so many anxious kids these days.

^ I think they suggested exactly that @boomboomscousin

A desire to not be apart from one's child at two weeks PP is normal.

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 00:13

@feralfanny

You can't presume that the father will feel exactly the same towards the baby as the mother. She's been looking after the baby for longer and bonding with it while it was in utero. There have been changes to her brain to help her be more responsive to her newborn and her hormones are driving her possessiveness and protectiveness. This is not the case for the new father.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2019 01:15

Reagan that back and forth you've bolded is a discussion about anxiety at 2 weeks PP being a flag for future MH issues, not about anxiety at 2 weeks PP itself being potentially problematic for the child.

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 01:17

I don't see what the difference is. How are future mental health issues not potentially problematic for the child?

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2019 01:23

Future MH conditions may be problematic for the child, which is why it's good to be aware that if anxiety doesn't dissipate then it's good to seek help. But it isn't claiming that the OP's current anxiety is going to cause those problems - which no one has claimed. So your protests about people's comments around the impact of anxiety on children are, at best, strawmen since no has claimed the things you seem to be arguing they have.

ReaganSomerset · 05/02/2019 01:27

Seriously. I think there are a lot of attitudes and issues on this thread to explain why there are so many anxious kids these days.

I still think that comment suggests that people worried about leaving their infants when very young are causing anxious children due to their 'attitudes and issues' . That's how I read it and what I responded to.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2019 01:56

Because so many people are saying anxiety is fine and should be pandered to - which does encourage it. And anxious parents are likely to bring up anxious children.

Anxiety isn't fine. Even at 2 weeks PP it's not a good thing. It causes the OP distress and gets in the way of the baby's father doing perfectly safe, normal things with his daughter.

lboogy · 05/02/2019 02:05

Yanbu

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