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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
Mixedupmummy · 03/02/2019 11:54

#Oysterbabe#

What I don't get is the seemingly unending stream of people that are unable to grasp that some women feel differently than they did.

this

I don't know why I'm so over invested in this thread. there's been a few similar ones recently. they've all made me feel quite anxious the op.

I suppose I'm quite horrified that people think it's ok to take a newborn baby away from it's reluctant mother.

Noname99 · 03/02/2019 12:01

Ok - can some one explain please to those of us who think that a child has two equal parents. Why does the mother get to deny the father the right to time alone with his daughter? Why is this reasonable? When does this ‘stop’? Or is this forever - this ‘right’ that the mother has over the father?

Oakmaiden · 03/02/2019 12:06

In fairness, the Dad isn't insisting. He has deferred to the mother's wishes. He just doesn't understand why it is a big deal, and has made it clear that he is deferring to her wishes on the basis of not wanting to upset her rather than because he understands her reasoning.

I don't really understand why it is a big deal either. Of course, the OP hasn't explained much, really.

So... on the basis that OP has said she will show this to her partner, there are two main issues. The first is - can OP's partner explain exactly WHY he wants to go without the OP? If you both go together it will solve a lot of ill feeling. You don't need to come back and explain it all to us - but you do need to talk about it together. What will be different about you going on your own with baby that would be less "satisfying" if OP went with you? What would change about the actual visit?

As you can see, there are a lot of women who would feel similarly to OP, so even if her feelings seem a bit irrational and are hard to understand, the fact that many other women feel the same way speaks volumes. However, in my view it does make a difference how long the visit would be. How long would OP and baby be apart? With no idea of this, it is hard to comment really.

candlefloozy · 03/02/2019 12:09

I left my two week old daughter with her dad while I went to town. If he's her dad I don't see the problem. But at the same time I can't understand why you can't go too?

picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2019 12:19

In the first weeks after birth, mum's can leak milk and become uncomfortable away from their babies. In the first month, the desires of the person who has shared their body and breath with the baby for the last nine months trump the Dad's.

Perhaps the subtext here is that the Dad doesn't trust her alone with the baby, and he wants to go out.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/02/2019 12:21

Also, my DH would want to take them out by himself but refused to learn to change a nappy.

JustDanceAddict · 03/02/2019 12:24

Dh certainly took my babies out without me. DD was taken to his parents at about 4 weeks old and he dropped me at shops so I could buy some clothes that fitted. I was bf so only a couple of hrs. I also had to go overnight to a funeral when DS was a month or sold, I wasn’t bf so no problems.
If she’s bf then I get it for that reason, but only that.,

sparklesq · 03/02/2019 12:24

In fairness, the Dad isn't insisting. He has deferred to the mother's wishes. He just doesn't understand why it is a big deal, and has made it clear that he is deferring to her wishes on the basis of not wanting to upset her rather than because he understands her reasoning.

This. But in contrast, the OP has now done two posts on this issue with the hope to show her DH how unreasonable he's being and push him to agree with her. Then came back to say how surprised she was by the reaction supporting him, so I take it now this post will never be shown to him at all. Not fair really

Batteriesallgone · 03/02/2019 12:48

It’s not advised to bath a newborn unless there is dire new. Even if they are half covered in poop Midwives prefer you to give them a bit of a wipe with a wet flannel.

There’s been research on disrupting the vernix layer and the introduction of soap perturbing the skins natural lipids. I think there’s been a link made with eczema.

I thought all new parents were told this Confused

Batteriesallgone · 03/02/2019 12:48

Dire need*

Louiselouie0890 · 03/02/2019 13:11

I really hate it when OP asks for opinions with minimal information.

NotANotMan · 03/02/2019 13:14

The mother's wishes trump the father's at 2 weeks post partum. End of.

Upsy1981 · 03/02/2019 13:26

I haven't read the full thread but my experience was different. I was terribly anxious after the birth of DD, probably should have had some assistance, possibly bordering on PND - midwife's opinion to DH. I left DD with DH at 3 days old to go to the doctors as I had a chest infection. I would go out on my own and look round the shops and have a coffee. I just craved some 'normality' and if I went to my mum's, she'd send me for a sleep and look after DD. I was of the opinion that other people could look after her far better than I could. I know that situation is different but I think there is some middle ground, and I certainly wouldn't stop DH spending time with his own child, anymore than I would expect him to stop me spending time with the child.

Raspberry88 · 03/02/2019 15:14

What I don't get is the seemingly unending stream of people that are unable to grasp that some women feel differently than they did.

I agree with this. Find it quite upsetting actually. Also, all of those posters who say that they're 'baffled' at not wanting to be away from your baby and that they don't know anyone who is like that... guarantee you will. I mean, it's not like I turn up at a toddler group and talk in detail about when I first left my baby... because it's my business and surely of no interest to others. I can understand why some people want or are happy with time away, why can't others extend the same understanding to me.

Onecutefox · 03/02/2019 17:12

So you carry the baby for nine months, go through birth, possible psychological and physical trauma and then your partner claims equality straight away just like that? Oh, no, you have to wait darling. Maybe if men used their balls for hatching babies they would have more understanding about what women in labour go through physically and emotionally.

StreetwiseHercules · 03/02/2019 17:18

“NotANotMan

The mother's wishes trump the father's at 2 weeks post partum. End of.”

What is the date on which a father’s wishes are equal to or trump a mother’s? 3 years, 5 years, 10 years?

Parenthood is a partnership. From day 1.

SmileEachDay · 03/02/2019 17:56

Parenthood is a partnership. From day 1

Does that include pregnancy and labour?

StreetwiseHercules · 03/02/2019 17:57

“Does that include pregnancy and labour?”

Yes it does.

NotANotMan · 03/02/2019 18:03

Don't be dense
Pregnancy and Labour is not equal, nor is breastfeeding, bleeding lochia or the emotional and hormonal impacts of being post partum.
I'm not talking about when the child is years old, or even months. This baby has been born a matter of days ago. Mother's wishes take priority and I don't give a shit what any dickpandering women say to the contrary.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/02/2019 18:09

if a mother felt no anxiety or very little anxiety at the prospect, it would be a sign of abnormal emotional and psychological development, poor personality organisation, immature ego, with an inadequate sense of connection to the baby that would bode very poorly for the future mother-baby relationship.

That is simply untrue. While anxiety in the immediate postpartum period is common, the lack of it is not a sign of abnormality at all. And research certainly does not support the idea that postpartum anxiety is correlated with a good mother-baby relationship.

StreetwiseHercules · 03/02/2019 18:13

So so bitter.

daisypond · 03/02/2019 18:16

if a mother felt no anxiety or very little anxiety at the prospect, it would be a sign of abnormal emotional and psychological development, - what utter rubbish. Are you saying those of us who didn't feel anxious about our baby's father or grandparents taking them out in the pram for a bit are abnormal?

CheshireChat · 03/02/2019 18:18

So DP should've been allowed to veto me having an ELCS as vaginal birth is preferable? Or the man should be allowed to choose whether to continue or stop BF?!

Due to biology, there's aspects of parenting where the man doesn't get much of a say IMO, these are only when the children are really little, it's completely different as they grow.

CheshireChat · 03/02/2019 18:23

That was addressed to StreetwiseHercules

53rdWay · 03/02/2019 18:27

“Does that include pregnancy and labour?”

Yes it does.

Brilliant, I am all for this! How do I get DH to split the pelvic girdle pain 50/50? Presumably if he gets an equal say in all my decisions then he’s also handling an equal share of the burden?

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