DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

[StarFleece]

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

@StreetwiseHercules it's actually based on the needs of the child.

If the baby is entirely breast fed than until 6 months old the baby can only be out of the presence of the mother for about 2 hours. Even then there is the issue of cluster feeding particularly in the early days when they haven't been given a bottle.

Btw my DD was taken out for about 2 hours by my DP when she was 2 weeks old on his own. My daughter was mixed fed from about 1 month for a couple of reasons, so I ended up them being able to go out for half a day without worrying about her being fed but I had to express.

Yes it does

Ok. So explain how the father does the same stuff as the other during pregnancy and labour?
(I’m all for partnerships incidentally but don’t think it means that all tasks are divided 50/50)

So basically men and women are biologically different and mothers have ultimate control and responsibility for their children. Pretty much the way it has been for thousands of years.

I don’t think mothers should get to say “I want to take our newborn out without you to visit my family, even though you can come and want to come, because I just want it to be me and the baby and not you” either.

This is how I saw it happening

DH - why don't I take the baby to my parents tomorrow? You can stay and sleep

OP - no way, I couldn't be apart.

DH - (not fully appreciating the hormonal and emotional state of New mother) oh come on, it would be much better for you to stay here and rest.

OP - no I really don't want you to have her without me

DH - it is my child too, don't you trust me?!

OP - I just can't do it

DH - fine well I won't take her then but I'm bit pissed off you don't seem to trust me and I was just trying to do you a favour by giving you a break

Might not have happened exactly this way, but I echo a previous poster who said it doesn't have to be a big deal. OP try and be a bit sensitive to the fact he's feeling like you don't trust him. I hope he will be sensitive to the fact you are generally anxious and upset at the thought of being parted from your baby.

Personally if it was me I'd let him take her for 1 or 2 hours and just deal with the anxiousness to give them a chance to bond where he has total responsibility for the baby

“So DP should've been allowed to veto me having an ELCS as vaginal birth is preferable? Or the man should be allowed to choose whether to continue or stop BF?!”

Of course not. 😐

“Ok. So explain how the father does the same stuff as the other during pregnancy and labour?
(I’m all for partnerships incidentally but don’t think it means that all tasks are divided 50/50)”

Men and women don’t have to do the same stuff in the same way to have equality.

You've explained it causes you anxiety which is a perfectly normal feeling 2 weeks PP. Not all mothers do and that's normal as well.
As long as he knows it's not an issue of trust and you keep talking then I think in this situation your feelings take priority over his wishes.

Men and women don’t have to do the same stuff in the same way to have equality.

God, no. I completely agree with you. But how does that fit with you saying that both parents should be equal in pregnancy and childbirth. How is that possible?

Men and women don’t have to do the same stuff in the same way to have equality

I agree. That’s rather been my point throughout.

This thread goes a long way towards explaining why there are so many children with 'anxiety' and other MH issues.
No way the level of anxiousness and fear on this thread doesn't carry right on through the babies life/lives.

This thread goes a long way towards explaining why there are so many children with 'anxiety' and other MH issues.
No way the level of anxiousness and fear on this thread doesn't carry right on through the babies life/lives.

Bollocks...what rubbish cod philosophy. It's perfectly normal for mothers to stay close to their babies. It's hardly a new thing.

Bahahahaaa.

Yep. Wanting to be close to your 2 week old baby definitely means the child will grow up with mental health struggles.
That is ridiculous AND shows a complete lack of understanding about teenage mental health.

CJsGoldfish

Seriously? You think a Mother feeling highly anxious about the thought of being apart from her TWO WEEK old baby is a flag for future MH issues in the child?

The baby is only two weeks old. Two weeks. Literally just been born. If she was six months old and not breastfed the dh might have a point. The op has only just given birth.

OP I have to say AIBU is not the place to post things like this. Some of the answers are awful and completely lacking in empathy.

It is NORMAL to feel anxious being away from a 2 week old baby for long periods of time, or indeed at all. (That does not mean it's abnormal not to feel anxious, incidentally, although most people I know would have).

It does NOT mean you have anxiety, it's a normal biological response to keep your baby safe.

You are completely within your rights not to want your partner or anyone else to take baby anywhere without you at this stage. It does NOT indicate a trust issue.

The fact your partner is caring for and spending some time alone with baby shows you are parenting together and you are not trying to exclude him.

And yes at this stage the mother is typically more attuned and responsive to baby's needs, plus the mother is the one who's just gone through pregnancy, birth etc - thus the mother's wants and needs trump the father's. Science backs me up on this.

That's not to say I think it's wrong for a father to take a 2 week old baby to see family alone (although I think it's weird - wouldn't you want to see and congratulate and look after the mum too?), but the mother has to be fully on board with it.

Has the OP been back?

@smileeachday Posts like these are horrible and upsetting. My children are adopted. Does that mean I love them any less or want to protect them any less? The suggestion that the OH’s husband can’t possibly understand how she feels because he didn’t carry them for nine months is disprespectful and quite frankly ignorant. Please think of others before posting such things.

Bella

Which post is horrible and upsetting?

Where have I suggested you (or any adoptive mother) live or want to protect your children less. It is a different journey.

The OPs husband doesn’t understand how she feels. His journey through parenthood is different to hers.

I don’t understand which post of mine - amongst the many hundreds on the thread - you felt upset by.

*love

If my DH had attempted to take my baby anywhere without me in the early days, I’d have poked his eyes out. It doesn’t matter if some mums would be ok with it, if you aren’t, he is a total twat for trying to pressurise you into this. I’ll repeat in case he missed it, HE IS A TOTAL TWAT. The baby has grown inside you, you have felt every kick, every hiccup, every sigh, every twist. You have felt fear whenever she was still for a while, or when she was moving like a crazy thing. You have cradled your bump with love and wonder and desperation and joy. You have been ripped apart and felt a visceral love and fear that she may come to harm. You want to be there to protect your newborn, to know she is safe and happy. Allthis is fine and normal. My children have grown up and developed independence. What you feel is natural and your DH would be a cold, selfish bastard if he didn’t respect this,
That’s all.

Bellatrix17 I don't think anyone is saying that parents by adoption don't want to protect their children etc.

I think it is a fact a newly adopted child will often attach first to the primary carer of a parenting couple.

So in just the same way it would be very difficult for a newly adopted child who had spent a lot of time over the first two weeks with one parent (of a parenting couple) to be taken out for a period of time alone by the other parent literally two weeks into a placement.

I am a mum by birth and adoption and our adopted son certainly attached to me first as primary carer.

@bellatrix17 that's a classic example of projection and reading something that is not there. The situation described in the OP is not your situation and there is really no need to fight the strawman.

If the conversation went like this, it is understandable
DH "let's visit my family"
OP" I don't feel up to it"
DH " I'll go on my own then"
OP " no I don't want to be separated from my baby"

Totally weird if it goes like the following,
DH ' I going to take the baby to visit family"
OP " ok I'll come too"
DH " no I want to go on my own, don't you trust me"
Weird and very controlling.

you have felt every kick, every hiccup, every sigh, every twist.

You really haven't. You will have missed many of these. It feels like a lot. and one else has felt it the way the mother has. But you haven't felt it all. And as soon as the baby is born you won't feel it anymore. Which is good. It'show it's how it's supposed to be. Once that baby is out of you, you are still a huge asset for it. But you aren't the sole source of stimulation or comfort for it anymore either. And it's t0 best o keep things in perspective and not allow anxiety 9or depression to anything else) to be used as an excuse for acting poorly.