To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

Anything other than 24-hour 'milky cuddles' is regarded as child abuse on MN.

I'm not trying to make out you're a bad mother, if you feel that it's on you.
I just find it disturbing that you're trying to put distance between yourself and a 4 week old infant. It's sad. She was still inside you 4 weeks ago and now she's potentially going to be put up in a room alone, away from everything she knows, for what? So you can have your evenings back to normal? Sorry I just don't understand it. They're tiny for such a short amount of time.

I don’t think I had put my DD down anywhere by 4 weeks.

OP - their brain development is literally fuelled by cuddles. Waiting until she grumbles to cuddle her isn’t doing her any long term good at all.

For us a routine developed organically and she began going to sleep in her cot at nineish from 2 months, but someone went to bed with her. She wasn’t left alone. 7 months later and bedtime is easy. I wouldn’t be prioritising time alone with your husband right now.

I can't remember exactly, but I'm fairly sure we put both our dds in a different dark quiet room to us to get to sleep, either right from day 1 or certainly a few weeks in. Like you, I wanted to establish a difference between night and day sleeping. So, day time, get used to sleeping in light and noise. As far as I can tell, you're going up to be in the same room as her what half an hour later? I think that's fine. (Both mine were great sleepers btw).

No way. And if we’re going for anecdotal, Ds always napped in room with me until over 6 months and slept in our room until after then too and has slept through since 6 weeks and napped like a dream.
Your baby is a brand new tiny baby. Not worth that risk. You don’t need to worry about routine or getting too attached to cuddles at 4 bloomin weeks old!

That is simply a personal view though based on my experience - you are you and your baby is your baby - but you asked for opinions.

No I agree - I did ask for opinions and am happy to receive them. As a FTM, my brain is constantly bogged down by guidelines and recommendations and risks, coupled with family members and others who have have kids and got past all that (so don't have the worried anymore) being surprised at what is taught nowadays and saying, in that casual manner, "oh everything will be fine".

It’s up to you, I kept mine with me at all times until both were 5/6 months, had a stillborn so was probably more neurotic than most new mums.

Still, even if I hadn’t lost a baby I doubt I’d want them alone at such a young age.

We put our son into his cot (which is in our room) for the night between 7pm and 9pm; this is usually his final bottle before he wakes up in the morning (sometime post 6am). He is 13 weeks old and bottle-fed.
Obviously during that time we are having our dinner, clattering around etc and then watch a bit of TV. I come to bed at 10pm or so and my husband later. The lights are off in our bedroom from when we put him in the cot but we have the lights on in the living area which he can see as these filter into the corridor where his room is. We live in an apartment which does make things easier as there is less space between us and him. We also check on him at least 2-3 times between him going to bed and my going there.
The reason we started to do this so early in our son's life was that initially he was staying in the living area in the Moses basket until my huaband went to bed (at least 11pm). This was before he had a bedtime routine of any sort. However, we found that he was getting super stressed by this as the lights were still on and obviously all the noise from my husband washing up etc was far too close to him (as opposed to being background noise from the vantage point of being in our bedroom). He cried a lot more and often would not take his final bottle so well. So we did instate a bedtime routine which included putting him in our bedroom quite early on and it seems to work for him. But I think it depends on your baby and the layout of your home.

To those talking about sids risk, what about when you go to sleep? You're saying op can't go for an hour without watching baby, but surely you do that when you're asleep?

(PS. I'm a FTM too.)

Sleeping through is just the ultimate isnt it? As long as the baby doesnt sleep so well they never wake up.

I put dd up to sleep at bedtime at around 5 weeks like you describe, then she went in her own room at 7 weeks.

Don't be quiet with her in the room. Carry on as normal. You want a baby that sleeps through anything

So much this. My four month old is currently happily sleeping through the rugby. The lights are all on as normal. She will go up to bed with me later for her last feed. She's completely fine with other adults she's familiar with and will happily go to sleep with them. E.g. my mum will come over while I go to the gym and she'll go down for a nap no bother. I expect the 4 month regression any day now anyway, so the idea of getting into a routine seems like setting us all up for disappointment. At four weeks she basically spent all her time being held by me or her dad while feeding or sleeping, or in her moses basket / crib.

I'm a doctor and although I don't deal with children myself I know enough paediatricians who have dealt with SIDS to know how devastating it is. I'm usually quite pragmatic about guidelines but SIDS evidence is strong enough for me to be convinced.

The Lullaby Trust website is really helpful.

She's 4 weeks. She barely knows that her hands are hers, no matter about day and night.

Google the 4th trimester.

I honestly and in my experience have found that trying to do anything like that before 3 months is pointless.

All she wants is to be with you. Just let her be with you

I think Comeonchameleon has a good suggestion.

I had no choice at 3 months to put her in a big cot as she had hip dysplasia and was in a harness and was too wide for any type of Moses basket or next to me cot etc...... I did have a breathing monitor on and I checked on her literally every 10 mins. At 4 weeks I would be very very nervous.

From about that age DS was put to bed upstairs (in our room) by 7 pm, and we'd go up about 9 pm.

He settled into routine and us parents had a couple of hours to eat and decompress before the night feeds. Baby monitor and regular checking.

It didn't occur to me that we shouldn't and I credit my consistently good MH despite chronic sleep deprivation with that short time of peace before bed.

4 weeks is too early imo. However, pretty much all of my nct group put their 3 month babies to bed between about 7 and 9, with baby monitor - I gathered that was normal.

Maybe wait another month or so?

Did you post elsewhere on MN, not get the replies you wanted and decided to post here as well?

Leave her in the Moses basket until you go to bed? Or you go to bed an hour or so earlier?

Does your husband work nights?

A few facts:

1. the SIDS guidelines are, as you know, to keep baby in room with you for all sleeps. This is because there is a correlation between lone sleeping and SIDS. No one knows why this is, or whether it is correlation or causation. But they do know the correlation is there.
2. The theory that they are safer if they can hear you breathe is just that - a theory. It is claimed on MN to be proven fact, but it isn't. It's a theory, perhaps a plausible one, but a theory.
3. The 'fourth trimester' is not a scientific concept, it's a cutesy name. However, it is certainly true that studies have shown that very young babies are more calm, settled and better at regulating their heart rates and temperature while in bodily contact with their parents. Whether this extends to being across the room but in the same room as them is less clear - especially given that a newborn can't actually see across the room to know that mummy or daddy are there.

I put my baby up to bed in the evening from about 10 weeks because he was becoming so unhappy because he wanted to sleep and couldn't in the bright living room. It did make me extremely anxious and I spent most of the first few evenings checking he was breathing! If he would have settled in the living room I would have done that instead.

Incidentally, he was a crap sleeper until six months (and he didn't start sleeping through the night then, he just stopped waking up every hour after midnight) so it really isn't some sort of guarantee that you'll get a good sleeper if you do it!

To those talking about sids risk, what about when you go to sleep? You're saying op can't go for an hour without watching baby, but surely you do that when you're asleep?

The risk isn't reduced by parents watching their baby, it's reduced by you breathing in the same room as your baby, which you still do when you are asleep.

OP I wouldn't. I had mine in their basket downstairs, but you don't have to be hushed either. It's good for them to be able to sleep through noise. It's a pain when you get one that needs absolute darkness and silence to sleep (no idea how as he was treated the same as his siblings). Then just take her up when you go up.

SIDS is rare, but it happens and no-one really knows why hence why people follow the guidelines to lower the risk to try and prevent that rarity striking.

I don't see any harm in trying it. If it upsets her then go back to what you are doing now. I don't think the increase in risk is enough to be concerned about.

It's not about watching the baby to avoid sids. No one is quite sure why but the presence of another human reduces the risk. Theories are that the sound of breathing helps them regulate their own, or that noise of you moving around, snoring, etc stops them falling into a too deep sleep.

The risk of SIDS is incredibly small, it’s literally 0.03% of babies and most of those have several other risk factors like pre existing health issues.

Just to to confirm, 0.03% is still too many babies dying and is tragic but I agree and was surprised by how small the percentage was. I thought for sure it was going to be about 5-10%, based on how prevalent the guidelines are.,