To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

I don't understand taking even a measured risk with a tiny baby when it's just not necessary. Why would you? They don't need to be getting into routines for a good while yet - it will make bog all difference to sleep and yet creates a risk. A small risk but a totally avoidable one.

I didn’t put mine to bed until sometime after 4 months but not for safety just because I loved the cuddles! And now they’re stinky, farting cheeky 7 and 4 year olds I’m so glad I savoured every minute of them snoozing on me. And I’m really not a lentil weaving attachment parent - I’m quite hardcore in other ways - including sleep training at an appropriate age.

I wouldn't have thought it's a problem. A lot of PP are saying they didn't leave their babies side for 4/5/6 months, but everyone and their babies are different.

My little one was in his own room from 9 weeks in his cot as he was too long for his moses basket. He was absolutely fine. And has since then slept 12hrs (he used to wake once or twice for a bottle, but straight off to sleep).

@batteriesallgone

I can answer that a bit - they only started listing SIDS / cot death as a cause of death in 1971. So there were no SIDS rates prior to this. My feeling is that this is part of why the older generations don't consider it. In 1988 the rate was 2 per 1000 live births - so not 2 of 1000 baby deaths were caused by SIDS but 2 of every 1000 babies born would die of it. The rate has reduced to 0.3 per 1000 live births but still accounts for about 1 in 4 of all baby deaths. This is all available on the ONS site.
It correlates with the back to sleep campaign and the campaign to have all sleeps in the same room, along with a reduction in parental smoking and slight increases in breastfeeding. But because it's multifactorial it's hard to draw any conclusions on causation. And obviously it wouldn't be ethical to do an RCT.

It is definitely safer than co sleeping

No it bloody well isn't. Stop spreading incorrect information.

How times have changed, DS2 was put to bed in us own room when he was a few days old as he wouldn't settle in the Moses basket. DS1 slept in Moses basket until he was put in his own room when he was about 6 weeks old. We put them both to sleep awake in rooms away from us as soon as we came home from hospital- during the day too. Now DS1 is going to be 19 in March and DS2 will be 16 in March.

We had the sensor pad with the alarm which went off if they didn't move, but otherwise in a separate room to sleep.

You asked for alternative views xxx

@LisaSimpsonbff Well said! There’s so much judgement on here. The risk of sids is tiny and has many many causes. Even if the worst happened you would have no way of pinpointing that sleeping alone was to blame. I think it is horrible to attach blame for every eventuality to the parents. If I’d breast fed longer, if I’d not co slept, if I’d not had that half glass of wine whilst pregnant.... ffs

life is another factor to consider. It is important that you have a life, are happy, reasonably well slept. common sense should prevail. Reads the guidelines, get a realistic idea of the risks and make your own decision. Don’t judge others.

My son had a bed time routine from 4 weeks. He slept with us most of the time apart from 7pm-10pm where we put him in his cot before his night feed. We still have him in our room and he will probably be ther for a while due to space issues. Your baby op.

We did the bedtime routine thing with both our children around 6-8 weeks on the advice of the HV (this was a few years ago, mind).
After bath I'd feed them then settle them down to sleep then popped in for a dream feed around 10pm when I went to bed. They then woke for the usual feeds in the night.
I did miss them in the evening but looking back it really helped both children become good sleepers in the long run. And I don't mean sleeping through the night as babies, which some people think is the aim, I mean as toddlers and young children, there were no fuss at bedtime at all.

All my friends that didn't do this still spend hours getting their kids to bed/sleep. It like the children never learnt to settle without loads of faff and intervention.

I did it. Somewhat naively with DS1 and 2 and have carried on with DS3. We have a baby monitor on and check regularly.

Co-sleeping is definitely safe if done properly. Probably safer than other alternatives.

Im all for saying all this is a 'guide' only but personally i wouldn't risk it. It's a small thing, there is no need to implement a routine so early on, you have nothing to gain really (imo) so for me it's not worth the risks.

It's funny how some people seem to think that baby in the same room is the 'modern'/'hippy' way. Having baby in a separate room is a relatively new thing from a historical point of view and probably not that prevalent across the world. Having baby close has been the norm for many generations before and in most countries remains the norm.

My dd would have had no idea where was sleeping at that age. Just keep her with you.

As long as you have a hearing device it shouldn't matter. Why is it a problem having a new born in the bedroom, though? You will have to get up to feed anyway.

We had Co sleeper cot, a large one I bloody loved it! Wished I'd had it with my first. It was perfect and I could properly relax and sleep

How much noise are you actually going to make, you and your DH?

If you want her to start understanding the difference between night and day just turn the lights off when she is downstairs with you in the evenings - leave on just a small lamp so you can see.

I think we started doing this at around 6 weeks. And then ds went in his own room at around 3 months (with monitors etc). He outgrew his Moses basket at 3 months and his cot wouldn’t fit in our room. He slept trough from around 9 weeks for the most part.

Interesting caoraich

I heard it was multifactorial but didn’t realise SIDs wasn’t even recorded until 1971.

So basically - they made a list of things they thought would make a difference and sharing a room was on that list. Who can say what percentage of the risk reduction it accounts for. Quite a gamble.

I wouldn’t, I did it with my first, when he was 3 months old, I one night just wanted him in with me. He was very big baby at birth (10lb 10) and by 3 months was the size of most 6 month olds. He was in bed with me (which I know now is a no no for most) and in the middle of the night I woke up to hear the most awful choking noises, he had been sick and was laying on his back and was choking beside me. I had to haul him up and slap his back to get it out. That scared the life out of me so when I had my 2nd DS I refused to put him in his own room, he stayed with us until 6 months. When he was about 6/7 weeks old the exact same thing happened. I’d had a section and complications and I was out of bed like lightening and sorting him out......DH said he had never seen me move so fast hahahaha. Not trying to scare you, just presenting a scenario that happened to me twice to explain why I wouldn’t do it.

She was being held by someone unless she was in her car seat or pram. We didn’t have a Moses basket or anywhere to put her down. If I needed the loo or whatever DH or someone else would hold her. I exclusively expressed and used to lie her on my thighs whilst I pumped (every 3 hours in those early days). She slept on my chest at night for the first 4 months (safely).

A baby sleeping on your chest at night is very much against the recommendations of the Lullaby Trust - they actually issued a special warning on it: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/our-response-to-the-recent-articles-advising-mums-to-sleep-newborns-on-their-chest/

For me, what you did would have been a completely unacceptable risk. For you, what I did (putting DS to sleep alone for two hours in an evening) would have been an unacceptable risk. We can either attack each other as inadequate mothers, as you've done to the OP, or we can agree that we risk assess differently and, while both loving our babies equally, we make different choices. I would prefer the latter.

Of course babies survive being put in a room on their own to sleep. Just like people survived without wearing seatbelts in cars. It’s a risk of death, not a guarantee.

But why wouldn’t you want to reduce the risk?

On the one hand you feel you should have a routine for such a tiny baby, who does sleep through noise but you feel you should be quiet so that a sleeping newborn realises that it’s night.

On the other hand you have scientific research which shows that statistically the risk of death is greater if you leave babies sleeping in another room.

Why would you risk death for something that has no real downside other than not fitting in with some imaginary perfect routine?

I admit I haven’t read the full thread. It is so upsetting when people rock up and say mine went into their own room on day 1 and they are a brilliant sleeper. Kids can sleep just fine if you follow the guidelines. And even if they couldn’t, why is flouting the guidelines ok? Babies have died for us to know what is the safest thing for them.

Losing a baby is the most pain anyone will ever go through. And people on Mumsnet have lost their babies. Don’t he so disrespectful and flippant.

We started proper bedtime routine the day DS came home from hospital. Bath, story and bed (upstairs in crib) from 10 days old.
He slept through from 8 weeks.
Moved him into his own bedroom at 13 weeks and he's slept all night every night since - he's 2.5 years now. He now tells us about 6:30/7pm that he's ready for bed.

I haven’t read the full thread.

I believe the 6 month guidance is also followed across Europe.

We just kept DD downstairs until we did the whole bedtime routine at about 5 months. She slept fine downstairs or sometimes just laid on her mat playing. She slept great.

Not sure why you are asking. Mine are 18 and 15 now but they were upstairs in their cot by 2 weeks. We checked on them every half an hour.

There's nothing wrong with not 'cuddling' to sleep, I got mine used to going down without needing cuddling from early on, it hasn't affected them, I've currently got my very affectionate 9 yr old snuggled up to me, so clearly didn't do any harm.
I did however have them downstairs in their moses basket in the evening until they were about 6 months.
I wouldn't recommend being quiet around babies, I never was, and my two sleep through anything.