To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

It's interesting and so right what you say about how we all parent from our own experience - my own is that I've spent my adult life plagued with depression and anxiety and I'm trying really consciously to parent as non-anxiously as possible. There's definitely some fake it til you make it there - I am highly anxious, of course - but I'm trying to make my choices re sleep, work, food (currently getting a lot of flak for choosing baby led weaning!), breastfeeding and be happy with them. I think that's why I find it so upsetting to see people so actively trying to undermine each other. I just feel a bit like Naomi Klein says about women keeping up beauty standards - think what we could achieve if we let go of all this shit!

I think people can be very clannish about parenting decisions.

Lisa I think you and I are very similar then.
I make parenting choices based on my anxiety and being so desperate for DS not to suffer with MH like I have. And to keep reading that it makes me a martyr and horrible sneers about having a ‘Velcro baby who bedshares until school’ is making me rather angry. But I’m trying not to snipe back because that person has made their parenting decisions based on what they believe to be best!

I think we have very similar motivations but have made (really quite slightly in the grand scheme of things - we're both well within the realms of normal parenting!) different choices - I liked the idea of cosleeping in principle but it made me anxious and wasn't working for us, for instance, so I stopped it. I chose to go back to work quite early and have DH take over full-time parenting and I've felt highly criticised for that - and half of MN would insist that I'm giving DS attachment disorder - but I'm trying to trust myself in my belief that it's right for us and our family. It is hard, though - I try and be nice, but I can feel the defensive bile rising when someone tells me that I'm damaging DS/don't care enough about him (and, conversely, in real life I tend to be the hippy parent who gets criticised for that - one woman at baby group was weirdly horrible about me using a sling, for instance!) and it makes me want to lash out in return. But I want to teach DS not to do that, so I should try and temper it in myself! Thanks for an interesting discussion - about to get off a train for a meeting and hoping (without much actual hope) that sweetness and light will have broken out in this thread when I next look...

Goodness - attachment disorder because you went back to work! What a load of of rubbish!
You sound like a great mum to me

@LisaSimpsonsbff
I'm a social worker and I've seen kids with attachment disorder.

Going back to work does not cause kids to have attachment issues.
Being abusive, or neglecting your child, now that does result in attachment disorders.
If your interactions with your child are meaningful and positive, and if they are fed, cleaned, and cuddled consistently, and someone comes when they cry? That is how you form secure attachment.
You sound like you're doing those things.

The judgement is the biggest shock to me. I fear this is only the start

I have posted this elsewhere, but never really got an answer.

Does no-one put their babies outside in their prams anymore?? My DD's now early 20's mid teens, but always left outside in their prams for a bit of fresh air and bird watching.

mississippi I was not intending to make anyone feel bad. I was just trying to reassure the OP that a short time upstairs alone with a monitor was not such a drama as people are making out. There are other factors which are much more dangerous & some perspective is needed. I imagine this post has really put the OP off asking for any advice.

kokeshi speaks a lot of sense.

There is no point in obeying every safe sleeping "rule" (actually, guideline) to the letter, if doing so results in you becoming so sleep deprived that you end up doing things that are much more dangerous, like falling asleep on the couch with the baby, or giving up BFing because you are so tired (FFing increases the risk of SIDs), or driving round and round in the night trying to make the baby sleep and then crashing the car.

MN is full of parents who are knackered after spending night after night up with their kids. I am not interested in becoming one of them--not just for my sake but for my child's.

If your baby has reflux then it sounds like they don't settle well at all - so it is unlikely you could have done anything differently. Fingers crossed it clears up soon.

converse you are right about perspective. I got flayed alive by one poster when, about 10 weeks in, I realised I no longer had an evening as DS wouldn't settle downstairs. I was told under no circumstances was I to come back down and was berated for suggesting I could come back down for a 15 min wind down with DH.

Mumsnet can be a really, really bad place for new mums.

Fanella sids has reduced by 71% since the back to sleep campaign came in. From what I can see there hasn’t been much change in the sids rate in recent years, since the advice came out to keep baby in the same room as you.

When was that advice first issued?

It has been at least 7 years, before that I wasn’t associated with any young babies so don’t know. It’s hardly brand new advice though.