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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you felt the rush of love?

157 replies

NameChangeyMcNameChange11 · 01/02/2019 16:33

When your DC was born?

It's something I've struggled with as part of my pnd, but I've not been able to discuss it with anyone,in case they think i don't love my son...

I do, he's the most important part of my life. But when he was born and put on my chest, i just felt detached from him. I didn't get that rush of love that people talk about. 32 hours later, i just thought "thank F* that's over".

Am i just cold? Aibu to ask for your experiences??

OP posts:
DuggeesWoggle · 01/02/2019 16:38

I think lots of people don't feel it straight away. Maybe if you had a straightforward birth and are riding high on a wave of oxytocin then I can understand it but if you had a traumatic birth and are exhausted, rigged up to drips and monitors and groggy from drugs then it's not necessarily going to happen.

I don't think it matters ultimately. Whether it comes in with a rush or grows slowly and surely as it did with me, as long as the love is there eventually then that's the main thing.

Doje · 01/02/2019 16:39

Nope, nothing quite that 'big'.

I looked at them a bit amazed, and thought 'wow, you've just come out of me'. More wonderment than huge gush of love.

It's only really been once they got old enough to see their personality that I though and said "I love you". And then it's mostly when they're asleep and looking cute!

DuggeesWoggle · 01/02/2019 16:40

And I don't think anyone will think you don't love your son. Please talk to people if it helps, bottling things up never really helps.

I hope you are back on a more even keel soon.

Divgirl2 · 01/02/2019 16:40

I didn't feel it either - no PND here and I love my son very very much and thankfully have never struggled with that. But no, no big rush of love. I didn't expect to either.

Personally I think it's unhelpful when people place unrealistic emotional expectations on events, especially exhausting and painful events. Not everyone experiences things the same, and not everyone feels in the same way. You're not a bad parent. You love your child.

I blame Disney.

LoopyLou1981 · 01/02/2019 16:41

No with DS - 24 hour labour, ended in ECS, he was in SCBU immediately afterwards for 5 days.
Yes with DD - straightforward 12 hour labour and she latched on straight away.

I know love them both equally but I do mourn not having that feeling the first time around x

Nameisthegame · 01/02/2019 16:42

No not really for a while tbh I was so tired and scared. Money was tight and I’d been in hospital 5 days waiting to give birth. Two weeks after I gave birth my ex got a job abroad so we had to move but I didn’t join him for 4 months. Love her to bits now but it was hard going and so much stress.

Iloveacurry · 01/02/2019 16:43

Not for the first one unfortunately, it took a bit of time. I just thought what I am supposed to do now??! Second time, because I knew what I was doing, was totally different.

YogaWannabe · 01/02/2019 16:44

Mine came when she was two

Jeezoh · 01/02/2019 16:46

Not with any of mine and in fact it probably took me close to two years, before I was 100% sure I felt love for one of mine. I’m pretty sure I had undiagnosed PND but even with my other kids, it was a good few months each time.

RatherBeRiding · 01/02/2019 16:46

Absolutely not with first DC no - and a very, very straightforward stress-free labour and birth. I just didn't feel any connection.

I went through the motions for about a week or so and the love slowly grew.

Second DC totally different - felt that "Oh Wow - it's you!" moment straight away.

Don't think it's anything to worry about at all - we're all different!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 01/02/2019 16:49

No pnd here and never did. It took me a while to realise how much I loved them, especially with my first when there was so much upheaval and everything felt so HARD. I remember looking over at this tiny little person in the cot and thinking hello, I don't really know you yet.

I wouldn't be afraid at all of talking about this with other people with kids (whether they've given birth themselves or not), some will have felt it some not. Some people without children may be less understanding, because often we're given a very glamourised/sanitised view of what it's like to have a new child.
You can be a great mum regardless!

ChikiTIKI · 01/02/2019 16:49

I had a traumatic birth where I was violently assaulted by the medical staff. I didn't feel the rush of love and still feel it was the worst day of my life. I do love my child though :) it's too much pressure to expect to feel like that I think. If I had another baby I would not expect to feel a rush of love right away. Birth is a stressful and dangerous experience and I would just feel relief at first for us to have survived it. The love comes later :)

kb1992 · 01/02/2019 16:50

Nope no instant rush of love from me, I think I felt more overwhelmed and shell shocked. My son was back to back and Labour was quite long so I was knackered and so relieved when he finally arrived

Burpsandfustles · 01/02/2019 16:52

I was definalty more wow and wonderment!
That first night I started to feel it but it grew as pain and everything else faded away and the realisation sunk in. Whole pregnancy was a huge shock etc

Namelesswonder · 01/02/2019 16:53

Not for me either, more of a slow burn that’s developed over time.

Burpsandfustles · 01/02/2019 16:53

Chiki that's how I felt first time. I had section for 2 and it was much better.

BillyCongo · 01/02/2019 16:54

Nope...... emergency delivery, she wasn't breathing and was rushed straight to SCBU. I was just bloody terrified and in shock. I think knowing how devestated I was about possibly losing her meant I obviously loved her but I didn't feel it positively at the time. It took a few weeks before something clicked and I could start letting go of the fear. Everyone has different birth experiences and they are not always straight forward. Please don't beat yourself up over this. I think your feelings are perfectly normal.

Osirus · 01/02/2019 16:54

I did. I think it was the second night in hospital. I happened to walk past her crib and this great surge took me by complete surprise. I was floored. I did not expect it at all.

ButtMuncher · 01/02/2019 16:54

Yes, but was quickly met with the overwhelming realisation I had to keep this little thing alive and the oramoprh I'd been pumped with made me crazy. On day 2 I was threatening to jump out the maternity ward window.

I had severe post natal anxiety and ocd which really clouded the first two years to be honest. It was treated but was in such a state. I love him more than anything but I do find motherhood hard!

MumOfDiamonds · 01/02/2019 16:56

Hi. I really struggled with my DS. My pregnancy really took it out of me. Massive weight gain, nauseous, terrible skin and hair. I felt fat and ugly. I was 20 but mentally didn't feel ready even though he was planned. I cared for him massively when he was born but no rush of love. It was very gradual but now I can't imagine feeling nothing but love, I'm totally obsessed. He's 14 now! My Dd on the other hand was completely different. I didn't put on any weight, skin and hair was perfect and I didn't 'feel' pregnant. I had an instant rush of love when she was born. She is 10 now.

GummyGoddess · 01/02/2019 17:00

No, but dh thinks that the extreme protectiveness I felt can be interpreted as love. Definitely amazement and thinking how beautiful they looked, how perfect and tiny they were.

pinkrockinghorse · 01/02/2019 17:02

No, not with my first. I felt quite detached in the first day. I remember being more interested in texting people to tell them he'd arrived, than actually interacting with him at all. I am ashamed to admit it now, but on the other hand, that is how it was. I didn't have a traumatic birth, it was actually relatively straightforward, but it is still a shock to the system. After that he developed jaundice and I developed a fierce protectiveness over him. I wouldn't say it was love though, more a kind of instinct. Love took a while. I do believe I had undiagnosed PND for a long time and it really affected my bonding with him. In all honesty I think he was over a year old before I properly loved him. I still showed him affection, cared for him, everything but that proper love that I feel for him now... no, that took time. I still cry thinking about his first year of life and how awful it was. However. I don't believe he would have known any different. I held him, fed him, looked after him and believe me he had plenty of cuddles as never wanted to be put down and I could not bear to hear him crying. So. We both got through it, I wouldn't say unscathed (I'm still crying!) but I love him, and he knows that, and he loves me.

My second experience was much better, I was absolutely euphoric giving birth and I loved her instantly but it wasn't a "rush" of love I would say, just a kind of certainty.

I hope my experience can give some kind of comfort. You don't sound cold at all, and I am sure you are an excellent mother Flowers

Sassypants82 · 01/02/2019 17:03

The only rush I felt was my stomach contents rushing up my oesophagus!

I was in shock I think. I was high but didn't really properly acknowledge the baby until the next day. He fed a bit and slept and I just tried to calm down.

I absolutely adore him BTW, best thing I've ever done.

kitkatsky · 01/02/2019 17:03

Nope and I've always felt crap for it. Makes you feel like a failure before you've even begun

DONTPICKTHEMILKSPOTS · 01/02/2019 17:05

With DC1 - yes, on day 3

DC2 - yes when he was 12 months

DC3 - yes instantly

Mixed bag in my experience, no PND, all much wanted babies.

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