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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you felt the rush of love?

157 replies

NameChangeyMcNameChange11 · 01/02/2019 16:33

When your DC was born?

It's something I've struggled with as part of my pnd, but I've not been able to discuss it with anyone,in case they think i don't love my son...

I do, he's the most important part of my life. But when he was born and put on my chest, i just felt detached from him. I didn't get that rush of love that people talk about. 32 hours later, i just thought "thank F* that's over".

Am i just cold? Aibu to ask for your experiences??

OP posts:
donajimena · 01/02/2019 17:06

Not at all. Definitely a slow burn. Now he's 15 I quite like him Grin

BreastSideStory · 01/02/2019 17:09

With my first DC I had a nice easy pregnancy, normal birth with no complications, and no PND.
I felt like I wanted to protect her but in all honesty I don’t think I felt love for her until she was about 6 months old.
In fact I remember the day it happened... she was ill and I was at the walk in clinic waiting for her to be seen by a doctor and her temp spiked and I remember feeling helpless, scared and I remember thinking “God please don’t die, I love you so much I couldn’t live without you”.

It was the first time I actually realised I loved her. With DC2 it was instant because I already had motherly love running through me.

I often feel guilty about how I bonded so much quicker with DC2 but I wasn’t scared or in shock when I had him.

Bobfossil2 · 01/02/2019 17:17

No, and I think it’s very normal. I had an emergency c section and I think I was hoping the baby would be given to me and we would have skin to skin- I didn’t even think to say this. Anyway she was brought to me wrapped in towels and shown to me, I couldn’t see her and I just looked away Blush then my husband was given her and I got her back forty mins later... at which point I was very fond of her, I wanted to protect her and look after her, but there was no rush of love. She’s three months now and I think she is the most perfect thing on the planet.

I’ve spoken quite openly about it and lots of my friends said for some of their children they didn’t feel the ‘rush’ either.

Rooberoobe · 01/02/2019 17:27

I don’t think everyone does get that especially first time. People talk about these rushes in different situations and I just don’t think we’re all the same
Wedding dress - no crying just kept comparing others so just went with it.

House - again just kept coming back to it no, just knowing.
Baby 1 just a need to protect and nurture
Baby 2 was my only instant love and think that was more I think. Thank goodness you’re ok as had some pre birth issues that were being monitored.
That’s not to say I don’t love both my children the same tho just because one was instant. They are equally crazy and wouldn’t change them.

800msprint · 01/02/2019 17:30

OP you are very normal. Please don't beat yourself up. I get so cross at all these messages of how perfect everything is when baby comes along. It's bollocks! You're knackered, hormones all over the shop, your life has just changed infinitely and it's completely understandable to take some time to feel that rush.

Plus some people are just not newborn people. Prefer toddlers. Others adore newborns. It doesn't mean anything if you don't have that rush at birth. Xxx

EnglishRose13 · 01/02/2019 17:32

I didn't. The midwife would hand my son to me and I'd give him straight to my husband. I felt completely detached.

PennilessPaladin · 01/02/2019 17:32

DC1 Only after 6-8 weeks
DC2 Not until he was 2 and spent a lot of time feeling guilty about it since.
DC3 Straightaway

Kemer2018 · 01/02/2019 17:34

Nope. I got the rage though. Every time I saw a photo of mum and newborn looking so blissful.
Up until my child was 5, i frequently fantasized about screaming in a field about how unfair it was that birth and bonding was NOT blissful here.
I still mourn never having that rush of love. It's shit.
Those of you who had it, you're so lucky.

TheSconeOfStone · 01/02/2019 17:36

I did but I know lots of people don't and it's normal not too. Even though it was love at first sight I still had some very dark times with DC1. She was jaundiced and lost loads of weight, was a nightmare to feed, had awful reflux, wouldn't slept, screamed for the first 4 months. I probably had PND. HV and GP suggested it but I ignored them. I had CBT when she was 12 months old to get over the trauma of the first few months.

So the 'rush of love' wasn't the answer to everything and didn't make life with a newborn any easier.

Amanduh · 01/02/2019 17:36

I had a traumatic birth and felt it. I know people who had straightforward, ‘normal’ births and didn’t.
It goes every which way. Please don’t think you’re not normal, you absolutely are!

whatacrapusername2306 · 01/02/2019 17:37

First born, easy birth, immediate rush of love. Second, traumatic birth and was in a state of shock for weeks after. I didn’t feel an awful lot really. Love them both immensely now.

TheOrangeOwl · 01/02/2019 17:37

Yes, from the second I saw his face. I remember being very out of it but saying "I know you" over and over. A very complicated delivery too, 30 hrs of labour, episiotomy, tear, forceps and a scary pregnancy too.

BUT you're still doing amazing and no one thinks you're a bad parent! Keeping a baby alive is hard work yet you're still going and should be so proud of yourself for doing it!

Littlecaf · 01/02/2019 17:39

No rush of love here with first DS,
was so shocked by it that it definitely contributed to the baby blues I had for a few weeks. I just realised a bit later that I loved him.
With second DS I didn’t get a rush either but wasn’t expecting it, or needed it as I knew it would blossom and it did.

oh4forkssake · 01/02/2019 17:40

Nope. I had had IVF and I think I saw a live birth as the end, not quite appreciating it was actually the beginning! If someone had come and taken her away on Day 3 I would have cheerfully handed her over. The traumatic birth injury that was minimised by all health professionals didn’t help. When she was 3 weeks I looked at her and thought ‘If anyone tries to ever hurt you, I will injure them badly.’ I just felt hugely protective - and that was the start of love.

We learn to love our family and our friends, but you have to learn to love this new person you’ve never met very very fast. That’s hard.

I was lucky as my mother had been honest about not feeling ‘the rush’ so I had a frame of reference.

No-one will think you don’t love your baby. And you will. Hang in there - you WILL be fine.

ginpink · 01/02/2019 17:43

Labour was so awful I couldn't have cared less if a goat came out of there, so long as it was over!

Crunched · 01/02/2019 17:49

With DD1, when I was left alone with her for the first time, about 9 hours after she was born, I felt a physical lurch in my chest. I would describe it as being hit with the enormity of responsibility rather than love. DS1 was totally different, after a straight forward labour, I couldn’t believe how huge and male he seemed. Similar to BreastSideStory, it was when he became ill - nothing serious thankfully- that I felt that tidal wave of love.
Then DD3 arrived, back to a bit of a traumatic birth, but when she arrived it was ‘oh hello, you are here and I love you’.
Weird that I responded so differently to each. None is wrong and I would hate anyone to berate themselves for not having so-called appropriate feelings.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 01/02/2019 17:51

My first I didn't. I'd been in labour for 30 hours before they finally gave me an emergency c section for "failure to progress" (no shit Sherlock...) When they gave her to me I just felt exhausted and really confused as to why I was now expected to care for a baby.

My second I had a much straightforward labour - VBAC, 5 hour long labour, 20 minutes of pushing, and when they put him on me I got that rush of overwhelming love and recognition - despite having been really unsure I even wanted another child, and even more unsure that I wanted a boy. I remember feeling like a space in my heart I wasn't aware was there had been filled and thinking "oh hello, it's you. I've been waiting for you and I didn't even realise it."

Several years on I adore them and am driven insane by them both in equal measure.

Bumblebee39 · 01/02/2019 17:54

Well I had an overwhelming feeling of joy and relief when they were out, and cried. But then I don't remember after that. I think it was the drugs to be honest.
The love we have built since is not based on crazy exhausted hormonal surges, they are based on cuddles and bath time and singing songs and reading stories and playing together and family meal times. And those things all take effort.
I have long term depression and anxiety and I have to make an effort with parenting. My overwhelming protectiveness of them is natural and unwavering, but I have to work at feeling bonded and not disconnected from them.

BeanTownNancy · 01/02/2019 17:54

Nah. Had an emergency c-section and they tried to show him to me but I couldn't see over the sheet and then they took him away to the NNU - I didn't see him till the next day and didn't get to hold him for ages. I look at the pictures of my husband holding him for the first time and I can see the rush of love on his face - in mine I just see exhaustion.

Then we got him home and newborns are boring. I love him more than anything now (he's 2) but it's more of a slow build of loving him more every day.

DuffBeer · 01/02/2019 17:57

I too though 'thank fuck that's over'

I was mostly high from the cocktail of drugs given post traumatic birth, rather than high from love.

ItsAllGone19 · 01/02/2019 17:58

I didn't. I had the urge to protect her but there was nothing beyond that for months.

But because of the guilt I felt about loving her she was never out of my sight. I felt it was my duty to do everything for her to make up for not loving her.

Keeping this a secret was horrendous and definitely made my PND worse.

Love sort of crept up on me. One morning when she was around 3 months old she smiled at me she was genuinely a happy and smiley baby and I started sobbing because I realised then that I loved her as much as she loved me and I was so relieved.

DD2 was completely different...I fell in love instantly and it was like a thunderbolt.

There is no normal. If you need help reach out for it. Keeping it bottled up is far worse than admitting how you feel. Be kind to yourself and the rest will follow Flowers

SoyDora · 01/02/2019 17:59

Not with numbers 1 and 2 but I did with number 3 for some reason!

DragonKiller · 01/02/2019 18:08

I felt mainly relief that the birth was over, plus I hated being pregnant (not a difficult pregnancy, just disliked the feeling). After that, it was a slow burn but probably quicker with DD2 as I wasn't quite so terrified the second time around.

They're 4&5 now, which seems quite a good age to have that overwhelming awe, as they're past the baby stage where they're constantly expelling bodily fluids and are now resembling humansGrin.

Cornettoninja · 01/02/2019 18:09

No rush, but it was comfortable. Like I was still pregnant but with the baby outside if that makes any sense?. I was off my tits mind and thoroughly enjoying the spinal.

I had a 1:1 midwife in recovery afterwards and I remember asking if I should pick dd up. She said ‘well she is yours!’ Shit myself a bit then Smile

The older dd gets and the more of her as a person comes through the more I feel waves of pure love. I can confidently say there’s not one day of her life so far she hasn’t made me smile.

HalfBloodPrincess · 01/02/2019 18:11

Only with my third.

It took me a good few weeks/months with my first two, but I didn’t realise until I had my third.