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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask whether you felt the rush of love?

157 replies

NameChangeyMcNameChange11 · 01/02/2019 16:33

When your DC was born?

It's something I've struggled with as part of my pnd, but I've not been able to discuss it with anyone,in case they think i don't love my son...

I do, he's the most important part of my life. But when he was born and put on my chest, i just felt detached from him. I didn't get that rush of love that people talk about. 32 hours later, i just thought "thank F* that's over".

Am i just cold? Aibu to ask for your experiences??

OP posts:
NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 01/02/2019 18:15

I did, with both of mine. I had straightforward enjoyable births which definitely helped. I know lots of brilliant, devoted, reflective, wonderful mothers who didn't have it happen at all.

Fwiw after DC1 my mental health went to shit a bit in the following months anyway.

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/02/2019 18:19

Yes for my second son but not for my first.

When my first was born I was very ambivalent about him for about 48 hours.

Foslady · 01/02/2019 18:23

Despite being in my 30’s ans dd being very much wanted my overwhelming thought was ‘oh Christ, it’s up to me to keep her alive’ - I was scared stuff that everything she needed was up to me and I couldn’t even keep a pot plant alive!
(She’s now 16 and still breathing - I call that a result!!!!)

Ontopofthesunset · 01/02/2019 18:24

I didn't with my first - I'd had a very long and stressful labour and was completely exhausted. I thought I'd recognise him and I didn't - he was a complete stranger. And then my blood pressure spiked and they were putting drips in me and he couldn't latch and midwives were unsympathetic so the whole thing was difficult. And then I got ill and he got ill.

I'm not sure whether I had an overwhelming rush with my second, but the birth was a lot shorter and easier and I was prepared not to know him instantly, so the whole thing was a lot more relaxed.

Anonanonanariston · 01/02/2019 18:25

Nope. I thought he was gorgeous but it was like cuddling someone elses goegeous new baby. I didn't fall in love with him properly until a few months old. I felt a very strong sense of reaponsibility and care, but love came later. I thought, at the time, I was a sociopath and I didn't admit it to anyone. It was awful.

maxoverload · 01/02/2019 18:27

I didn't. I was exhausted after 3 days of labour. It was only when dd smiled for the first time that I got the rush of love. Noone will think you don't love your son.

planespotting · 01/02/2019 18:28

Nope

KatyN · 01/02/2019 18:29

With my first I had it three days later which was the first time I held him. It was almost like an orgasm. It was very weird.
Second, nothing. I was off my head on drugs at the time and for several months after, massive prenatal mh issues. I adore her (she’s 3) but I never had the same rush as I had for the first (albeit a bit late)

RonSwansonsMustacheComb · 01/02/2019 18:33

No rush of love here.

My birth was straightforward, although she was whisked away for help breathing but not for long.

I felt relief that she was safe and healthy (previous mmc) and that the pain was over!

I have pnd and anxiety but now at 12 months I adore her and can't imagine living without her.

tillytrotter1 · 01/02/2019 18:35

No, it was three or four days before I held my first baby simply for the pleasure of holding her rather than for feeding.

LokiBear · 01/02/2019 18:42

I felt the bond instantly. Like I'd known them all my life and fell in love completely. Still ended up with PND with dd1 though.

ChodeofChodeHall · 01/02/2019 18:45

Nope. I just felt exhausted and numb. I liked him and wanted to protect him but I didn't feel actual love for him until months later. Not everyone experiences that 'rush of love' and I think it's a dangerous myth to propagate. New mums feel inadequate enough without the guilt of not loving their child enough.

ChodeofChodeHall · 01/02/2019 18:46

Nope. I thought he was gorgeous but it was like cuddling someone elses goegeous new baby. I didn't fall in love with him properly until a few months old. I felt a very strong sense of reaponsibility and care, but love came later. I thought, at the time, I was a sociopath and I didn't admit it to anyone. It was awful.

I could have written this word for word.

AnotherPidgey · 01/02/2019 18:49

DS1: Long labour, EMCS, he got whisked off to NICU for a few hours of observations before I was taken off to recovery and HDU. I only got a glimpse of him but felt sufficient protective urge to send DH off with him rather than staying with me. It seemed wrong for baby to be alone. I mainly felt exhausted and empty. The final months of pregnancy had been so painful and uncomfortable, so it was a big anti-climax.

DS2 just about managed to be a sucessful VBAC after being forcibly removed having just got to the point of no return. I managed to get the immediate hugs that I'd missed out on first time, and I remember thinking he was totally perfect right at the start of his life (forcep bruising obviously hadn't developed yet Grin) I was on a complete euphoric high for about 36 hours before the physical toll caught up. DS1, I was just wiped out for weeks and muddling through.

Real love grows. It starts as something primal and protective, but over time it develops and their personality comes out and you love them as a person and it continues to develop. My love for DS1 & 2 is equal, but not necessarily identical, like love for a mother and father being slightly different.

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 01/02/2019 18:51

I didn’t with my first. I’d been pushing for two hours and when she was born I asked if she was alive and then basically turned away as I was so exhausted.

Yabbers · 01/02/2019 18:54

Nope. Didn’t have PND but she was in neonatal. I had a rush of fear, of guilt, of more fear and more guilt.

Never had the rush of love. It just built over time. We’re proper close now.

Abcdefghii · 01/02/2019 18:57

I was the same as you OP.

In fact I didn't feel that heart bursting gush of love until he was alot older.

Of course I always loved him, but the smushy feelings didn't come along until he had developed a bit of personality.

I had/have PND too.

TallOaks · 01/02/2019 19:00

First time I felt absolutely nothing. Kind of like it wasn’t me there (not even because of being out of it on drugs!) I remember thinking, oh I should smile now when dc was handed to me but it wasn’t a real smile. I was genuinely completely blank emotionally. I felt terrible about that for ages afterwards. I don’t know when it changed but it must have as I do love them now!

Dc2 & 3... I can’t remember either way but I think I was definitely less detached. It helped to know by then that I knew it would come eventually.

I didn’t have particularly traumatic births with any of them so that wasn’t a factor. You’ll get there & it’s nothing to be ashamed of

peachgreen · 01/02/2019 19:08

Goodness, no. Utter relief that she was okay (it was a traumatic birth) but no rush of love. She's 1 now and I fall a bit more in love with her every day.

qumquat · 01/02/2019 19:09

No not at all. I then developed something akin to a terror of her when breastfeeding was incredibly painful for 20 hours a day. I'd say it took me 6 months to feel a positive kind of love, and 18 months to stop regretting having her.

FaultySpice · 01/02/2019 19:11

Nope. Just utter shock. My first thought was "oh my god, it's a fucking baby".

WonderTweek · 01/02/2019 19:14

Nope. No rush of love here either. I just counted his fingers and toes and was satisfied that he seemed ok. My mum rang me a couple of days later and asked if I loved him terribly and I lied and said yes. The love built gradually over a couple of weeks/months and I remember after about six months I started getting these random bursts of intense love. My son is now two and I still get those which is lovely, but they certainly weren't there from day 1.

KTCluck · 01/02/2019 19:15

I didn’t. I was happy she was here safely, but otherwise it was just ‘right, how do I keep her alive’. The first few months were just a blur of looking after her. She fed constantly and hated to be out down. I did everything I had to do but it was exhausting and while I was so protective over her, the love didn’t blossom til later. She was probably about 1 before I felt really overwhelming love. Now at 21 months we have an amazing bond and I think knowshe’s the best, cleverest, kindest and funniest child ever.

I discussed this with two close friends recently who both admitted they hadn’t felt the ‘rush’ either. I’d assumed it was because of had a long labour ending in emcs - I was exhausted but didn’t have the adrenaline of the pushing stage. It was almost an anticlimax when she came out. My friends both had vaginal deliveries though.

I suspect there’s far more women who don’t experience the instant love than do, and there should be no guilt at all. As long as we care for them, protect them, put the child first and try our very best it shouldn’t matter at what stage we realise we love them.

BitchQueen90 · 01/02/2019 19:16

Nope, I felt nothing. I expected to fall in love straight away but when they put DS on my chest the first thought I had was "...is that it?"

I'd had a difficult birth and the midwives had neglected DS and I which was probably part of it.

The love grew slowly over time for me.

Theweasleytwins · 01/02/2019 19:17

Not first time round but second time yes as soon as i saw her