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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you felt the rush of love?

157 replies

NameChangeyMcNameChange11 · 01/02/2019 16:33

When your DC was born?

It's something I've struggled with as part of my pnd, but I've not been able to discuss it with anyone,in case they think i don't love my son...

I do, he's the most important part of my life. But when he was born and put on my chest, i just felt detached from him. I didn't get that rush of love that people talk about. 32 hours later, i just thought "thank F* that's over".

Am i just cold? Aibu to ask for your experiences??

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/02/2019 21:42

DS1 no, I was more amazed and felt for weeks as though somebody was going to come and take him back because I was just borrowing him.

DS2 yes, and then he got taken off me to go to special care for a bit so I'm glad I had that, and I'd had a bit of time of really drinking him in and noticing things about him. It got me through the ~30 hours we were apart.

EssentialHummus · 01/02/2019 21:45

Congrats OP. No, I didn't, and tbh it was about a week before I felt vaguely human again. I remember a particular day - she must have been two/three weeks old - where I just lay next to her on the sofa and had a little giggle with/at her and suddenly started to enjoy and then love her. She's now 16/17 months old and I absolutely love her. If I wake up before she does I have to stop myself going in and cuddling her.

Tunnocks34 · 01/02/2019 21:47

I say that also, because I had a miscarriage a few years ago. At 9 weeks and I felt nothing really. I had an ‘oh shit’ moment. But I didn’t feel sad at all. I just felt like ‘oh that is that then, oh well’ which actually sounds horrific and I felt really guilty, and confused because my parents were sad, my ex (OH at the time) was devastated and I didn’t care at all.l, and I still don’t. I never think about it, I sometimes forget I even miscarried and never wonder anything about that baby I lost.

I did however think I’d had a miscarriage this time and I was upset, and I was relieved and prayed a thank you prayer when the ultrasound showed a healthy baby with a beating heart.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. We can’t control our emotions. If you want what’s best for you baby, you’re on the right track.

CrumpBrunette · 01/02/2019 21:54

Incident either, but I often don't think we're programmed to feel this so soon after giving birth. But I bet if a predatory animal wandered into the delivery room that mother instinct would kick in (hopefully a completely hypothetical situation 😂)

Korvalscat · 01/02/2019 22:11

Nope, when DD was born I just felt knackered. As she had opened her bowels, she was rushed off straight away but when the Midwife brought her back I let her DF hold her first because I was overwhelmed and frankly wasn't sure what I should be doing. On day 3 when the baby blues set in, I was incredibly possessive and she was MY baby and on day 4 when the GP came to do her checkup (this was nearly 27 years ago and I was supposed to have given birth in the 'GP unit' at the hospital but it was shut due to the budget being spent) I wanted to hit the doctor when he did the heel-prick test and made her cry. I obviously had bonded with her and still love her to bits but I never had that rush of emotion.
My cousin apparantly did and told my DD all about the whoosh and gush of love she would feel when her dc was born. I thought that might lead to unrealistic expectations so decided to admit that I hadn't experienced that and it didn't matter if she didn't whoosh and gush she would still love her baby. If I am being practical or logical about something now, she will usually call me on it by saying, "not very whooshy gushy are you Mum?"
As an aside, DD never whooshed or gushed over either of my dgc but loves them absolutely. Apparantly the closest she came to a whoosh and gush was when her waters broke with dgc2 - it was a trickle with dgc1

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 01/02/2019 22:13

Straight forward ‘easy’ birth and nope, I adore the boy now, literally could not love him more, but when he was first born it was totally surreal, like an out of body experience. I was like, wow, a baby, now what do I do! And I’ve always considered myself quite maternal, desperate to be a Mum etc so I was surprised that I didn’t feel it, but I haven’t beat myself up about it! I know I love him and like all these things, everyone is different!

thisgirlwantsmore · 01/02/2019 22:17

No amazement at first, massive health check and an overwhelming urge to protect them. No massive rush if love, it was just there

Nicketynac · 01/02/2019 22:31

I didn't, but realised after a few days that I had loved him for months already so there was no need for a big rush of love. I was also very, very tired and quite sore so all of my feelings were a bit weird for a while.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 01/02/2019 22:37

Nope, not with either DD. And plenty of my friends said they felt the same way too.
My immediate reaction with both was: "Thank God that's over." I felt nothing but relief. That said, I had PND with both of them so that may have contributed to it. I also found giving birth horrifically painful.
I remember feeling for the first few weeks that I was babysitting someone else's child. It was weird. But slowly, day by day, I loved them a little bit more and then suddenly one day, I couldn't even tell you when, I looked at them and was so in love with them I didn't know what to do with myself.
Being a mum is weird, honestly, birth is tough and that newborn stage is just a fug of sleep-deprived chaos. Don't beat yourself up about it, OP, the love will come in its own time but it will come.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/02/2019 22:41

I didn't for either. Both were emergency c sections, the first after a long and futile labour. I was beyond exhausted and ill, DS1 was very poorly and whisked off to SCBU after being briefly shown to me. I just was a bit stunned for a while. The second was a very unexpected emergency section at 37 weeks and again I was just a bit stunned and again DS2 was very unwell and whisked off to SCBU without even being shown to me.

I think it's really important that women know that it's totally normal to not feel a sudden rush of emotion. It doesn't mean anything if you don't.

kierenthecommunity · 01/02/2019 22:43

My son is adopted and I’d spent years reading posts on websites about people falling in love as soon as they saw a picture/first met the child. I didn’t. I thought he was cute, and didn’t want to give him up, but felt like a baby sitter not his mum

After counselling for PAD I’ve come to realise this was largely a defence mechanism as so many things had gone wrong for us child-wise I couldn’t just let myself go with the flow

It’s a shame this first year was like this though

WineAndTiramisu · 01/02/2019 22:45

Nope, love her to bits, but no "rush" when she was born, felt quite detached really. No PND or anything like that. Pretty sure the rush people describe isn't universal!

HazelBite · 01/02/2019 22:46

Not with DS1 it took 4 days, he opened his eyes wide at me during a night feed and I was smitten.
DS 2, it took a long, long time, however out of my 4 DC's he is the one that I am closest to now.
When I had the Dt's I felt completely mesmerised by there just being two of them and the rush of love didn't rush but crept slowly over me.

Frazzledmum123 · 01/02/2019 22:51

Not really, I remember with my first two being very relieved to hear them cry and know they were here and knowing that I loved them but not really this big emotional feeling ad I already knew that if that makes sense? My first 2 were emergency sections after seriously long labours though and I was quite I'll- I fell asleep whilst being sticker up with the second! My third was a planned section and completely different though. I went in rested, it was over quickly and with no effort from me and yes I felt the rush then. I think exhaustion and general health afterwards makes a huge difference. I love all my children the same now though, it's not like I prefer my third so please don't beat yourself up about it xx

Frazzledmum123 · 01/02/2019 22:56

*stitched up Grin

Igottastartthinkingbee · 01/02/2019 22:59

Nope! Bewildered and shocked both times for very different reasons. DS premature section and I was pretty ill. DD came out at a million miles an hour so I just felt like ‘wtf happened there?! Isn’t labour supposed to take ages??’ Slow burn with both but especially slow with DS, incubators and wires don’t make for good bonding.

Whatafustercluck · 01/02/2019 23:09

No, it grew with my first. No pnd, absolutely loved being a mum after those first couple of weeks of getting used to it - but no rush of love in the first hours (although I did stay awake looking at him, taking in everything about him.

With dd it was a total and immediate rush of love. As soon as I saw her I was head over heels for her.

I think the enormity of becoming a parent is overwhelming and all consuming with your first. With your second, you know you can do it and enjoy the ride more.

AuntieOxident · 01/02/2019 23:13

I had DS by c-section with GA, as labour wasn’t progressing and I was knackered.
When I came round afterwards and saw him for the first time I was gobsmacked to be completely overwhelmed by a huge rush of love. I definitely hadn’t expected it/never thought it would happen. Or even really believed in it as a ‘thing.’ (Least maternal woman in the world. Or so I thought.)

Mandraki · 02/02/2019 01:07

No, I was traumatised by a horrendous birth and was more bewildered about why there was a baby on me. Ended up with PND and while I cared for her and I suppose I did love her, there was no rush of love, it just came gradually. She is 16 months now and sometimes I think I could burst with how much I love her and her squidgy little face but it wasnt like that from day one. I think it's a lot to expect and a lot of pressure to instantly and fiercly love someone you don't know yet and who is keeping you awake all night.

llangennith · 02/02/2019 01:13

No. Not with any of my three. So relieved I'm not alone here. I felt protective of them but the love came later, grew slowly. They're all grown up now and I really wish that I'd felt that rush of love, but I didn't.

quince2figs · 02/02/2019 01:29

No, not at all. Great pregnancies with both, I loved being pregnant.
Mild complications with dc1 birth but got skin contact and bf straightaway. I felt as if she was a very precious child that it was important I care for..... as if I had been given the task of looking after someone else’s baby. Felt scared and irritated, and worried I had done the wrong thing in having her. Had moderate PND which I didn’t really acknowledge. Then suddenly realised I loved her fiercely around 6 weeks in.
Dc2 - I was in theatre after a normal delivery, but had him to hold and feed fairly soon after. Very mild brief PND. Same negative feelings but not so bad. Same realisation of love almost to the same day at 6 weeks.
Both very much wanted and planned babies. I feel quite strongly that this “rush” is almost fetishised in a harmful way, as many parents don’t experience it early or at all. My shame about this definitely contributed to PND.

CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 02/02/2019 01:36

It's a strange thing because everyone else that you love, you love because you have a reason to - you like them, they're kind, funny, look after you etc but then this little baby arrives who you've just met and doesn't do any of those things but you know you 'should' love them. I think that makes it confusing if you actually ask yourself 'do I love my baby?' When I had my first baby, I I just knew I would literally do anything to keep him safe. I felt anxious, an overwhelming responsibility for him and was just amazed that he was mine.I guess all that is love. I also thought 'thank god that's over' and 'will I ever feel relaxed again'. I had the same feelings with my second but I didn't feel quite so anxious as I knew that everything had turned out great with my first who was 5 by then.

You're not cold, it's just a lot to get used to as well as going through the actual birth and dealing with hormones. I think many women feel the things you are feeling but many don't admit it because they don't want anyone to think they don't love their child.

JimCricket · 02/02/2019 01:58

The whole time I was pregnant I was terrified I wouldnt be able to love my DS because I just wasn’t maternal in any shape or form (unplanned pregnancy).

The second after he was born I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety, worrying if he was ok, in case the Drs missed the fact there was something wrong & just fretting he was ok & healthy (there was never anything to indicate something could be wrong - I was just being irrational)

Then I used to question did I love him or did I just feel duty bound to care & protect him. Looking back now I’m on medication for anxiety I can see feeling like that was true love for him the second he was born .....just not what I expected it to feel like, if that makes sense

Spicilydone · 02/02/2019 02:29

I was horrified when number one son was born. I really wanted him but hadn't been around young children at all. I couldn't believe they were actually letting me go home with a baby when I'd never even dressed, changed or shock-horror bathed a baby. NCT were inadequate in my view, as it was so much about labour and not enough about forming a real relationship with your baby and what might be difficult.

Also he wasn't a very responsive baby, so didn't react to all my attempts at communication early on. He's still very laidback now in his late teens and not one to show his feelings but is lovely. But it was very hard for me as a first time mother as I thought I was doing it 'wrong'.

So no I didn't have an early rush of love and tbh all the stories people tell you about feeling this rush just made me feel inadequate.

But the good news is, I've fallen in love with my son as he's grown to be a fine young person and I'm very proud of him. Give it time and don't beat yourself up. It's often the shock of getting used to having a new baby. The second time around -when I could get out of the house in less than four hours- was so much easier and we bonded much quicker.

Hugglessnuggles · 02/02/2019 02:30

I was 19 with ds1 and I immediately felt it as soon as he was put on my chest. 5 years later with ds2 again as soon as I held him it was there, and then I gave him to dp who was a first time dad and he said ‘I understand that love you were talking about now’, as he argued with me the whole pregnancy you couldn’t love a baby straight away. So I’m happy he experienced it too.