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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask whether you felt the rush of love?

157 replies

NameChangeyMcNameChange11 · 01/02/2019 16:33

When your DC was born?

It's something I've struggled with as part of my pnd, but I've not been able to discuss it with anyone,in case they think i don't love my son...

I do, he's the most important part of my life. But when he was born and put on my chest, i just felt detached from him. I didn't get that rush of love that people talk about. 32 hours later, i just thought "thank F* that's over".

Am i just cold? Aibu to ask for your experiences??

OP posts:
OnceUponAGiraffe · 02/02/2019 03:01

I didn’t for one (out of three) of mine. Funnily enough the one which took 2+ years to conceive. As he grew up it was fine and I love him now so very much. But I still feel guilt that I practised “fake it til you make it” in the early days.

Spicilydone · 02/02/2019 03:22

Actually when I think about it, there was also a bit of a difference in that with DC1 they just left me to get on with it overnight after a long labour and no sleep or food for hours.

Whereas with baby two, my lovely midwife looked after my baby for a few hours so I could get some sleep. I know not everyone would want this, but I'm just still a bit in love with her for doing it because I woke up feeling rested and happy to look after the baby.

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 02/02/2019 04:13

Not initially for me no. I was induced, long labour ending up with c section.

The initial moments when my son was born are a blur but after I was stitched up and on my way to recovery I remember the baby was placed in my arms. I was shaking like a leaf (from shock of the delivery or the medication I don't know) but I remember thinking 'I can't hold a baby, I'm a fucking wreck, somebody help'.

Once I was in recovery I was given very sugary tea which claimed my mental flapping arms and I managed to feed the baby.

The next few days in hospital were horrendous. Despite having had a long labour and c section I was expected to be like every other new mother. Including being barked at to get up and have a shower at 9am (when my baby had only been born 7 hours earlier). I was still numb from the epidural at the time and had a cathertar in. If it had been explained to me that I could attempt to stand and take the catheter bag with me, that would've helped. Being shouted at didn't.

That night in hospital I struggled with breastfeeding, no help was given. A midwife eventually came and asked me if was going to tend to my child. This was while I had my boobs out desperately trying to get baby to latch. Shortly after I also had a big bleed which dripped onto the floor. I asked a midwife to help and take the baby while I sorted myself out. She couldn't tend to me straight away. After an hour or so an auxiliary nurse came and mopped the floor around me. I asked if she could help while I went to the toilet, she couldn't, she wasn't allowed. The pity in her eyes was clear.

Eventually a midwife came to me and barked that she would take baby from me for a few hours to give me a sleep. I replied that I didn't want a break, I just wanted to be able to feed my baby. Exasperated by this point I just asked for a bottle of formula. This was given no problem. I was told that a breastfeeding counsellor would see me in the morning. That never happen.

Anyway, after my long rant I just wanted to say that for me it didn't happen initially. I had two stages of waves of love for my baby.

The first came on the second night home. It was the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony. My DH had cooked a lovely dinner and I had a glass of white wine. Baby was in a Moses basket sleeping soundly next to me. I had never felt such a rush of love in that moment and know now that that'll be my moment in time (until I have grandkids :-) )

I also had another intimate 'oh my gosh I love you' moment with my baby at a few months old while he was sleeping on my chest one afternoon, nothing spectacular but I could feel the love tangible flowing from and to him. He also used to pat my back in a reassuring way even when he was a few days old. I know it's just reflex, but was sooo lovely.

Spicilydone · 02/02/2019 04:29

Interesting that you were barked at too MyNameIsAlexDrake. I was barked out too for bleeding on the sheets when trying to change my baby as the little mat thing had got tucked up and the pads hadn't worked.

Then I was barked at lunch the next day for wanting some hot food (I just asked politely) as I hadn't eaten for 24 hours and was just offered half a sandwich when breastfeeding. I'd love to know the correlation between being barked at and PND/bonding issues!

Sosie91 · 02/02/2019 05:11

I was amazed at my first and I couldn’t believe she was mine but I did have to fake it until I made it with her. Now she is my world and my best friend. I think it was just the shock of it all.

Our second as soon as she was born it was love at first sight. I think it was probably because it wasn’t all new and scary.

What I do remember is that when our daughters met I got an extra rush of love for them both. That was the most incredible feeling :)

SubparOwl · 02/02/2019 05:17

Nope. Quite ill/traumatised with first birth, developed PND. Nothing like that with second birth and was happy but to me it was more like having a new person to get to know.

KoraBora · 02/02/2019 06:05

I looked at DD and thought who are you! It felt very surreal. No PND and I now love her completely. I think it happens to some people and just makes the rest of us feel crap.

Frazzledmum123 · 02/02/2019 08:13

sosie91 I felt the same way when my children met for the first time, it will always be one of my favourite memories. When I had my second, my ds was only 2 and completely amazed by her, he gave her a kiss and said 'I love you' and that was the first time he'd ever said that first (rather than just love you too). I felt like the luckiest mum ever

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/02/2019 08:25

Try and do lots of skin to skin with him, that will help with bonding, it causes the love hormone oxytocin to release. Be kind to yourself, get lots of rest when baby is sleeping Flowers .

Fruitbatdancer · 02/02/2019 08:30

My friends and I talked about this, we all had different experiences. We decided it was like wedding dresses and marriage (bear with me!) some people find the dress and know instantly it the one (instant love!) some people it’s a grower. Some people only love it on their wedding day- fee it’s about the marriage not the dress etc.
No right or wrong answer.
Mental health is a funny thing. No one (especially those who had a traumatic birth) should feel pressured. Ultimately the love comes- whenever it does.

Liskee · 02/02/2019 08:36

At first I was just glad I'd managed to get him out, into the world in one piece.

The relief grew into love as he got older and he became a wee person, and I don't think I suffered from PND. With DS1 I was very low though for a few months.

Nowadays I took at DS1(4) and DS2(2.5) and I do get that rush of love. Like massively. I can't imagine life without them.

If you're not already undergoing treatment then I'd strongly urge you to speak to someone. Having had MH issues in the past, it was talking to a GP that started me on the path to recovery. Thanks

flumpybear · 02/02/2019 08:37

Mine was later too - I was terrified something would go wrong plus suffered PND too albeit mild, I think our bodies have a way of holding back til we're ready to let it out - don't worry, and don't beat yourself up.

I do remember my husband though, Day after our first child was born, bit traumatic birth ending with EMCS - he'd come to visit us, he just sat there crying his eyes out saying 'thank you, thank you so much, thank you' .... I wasn't expecting him to be so moved and emotional and physically show it - there was another new mum in the room too ... she said later how lovely it was to see him just crumble with love. My waves of love were never quite like that

KrazyKatlady · 02/02/2019 08:39

I did with my firstborn but not second time round and i felt really bad and guilty that i did feel a bit of gender disappointment, and because of how i felt first time i felt like i should feel that again. It was more of gradual process of love with secondborn over a couple of weeks. I did have pnd as well.

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 02/02/2019 09:09

I was scared shitless with my first. I spent all night looking at her wondering how the hell I could ever look after something so beautiful and precious. I loved her instantly but those scared feelings were overwhelming. She’s off to uni soon.

Buggerbuggerbuggerargh · 02/02/2019 09:12

No. In fact I barely remember my first night with him in hospital. I'd been in labour for five days and was doped up to the gills and recovering from a crash section.

I cannot identify at all with people who told me my baby's birth would be one of the best moments of my life. It was up there with one of the worst for me.

JellySlice · 02/02/2019 09:51

Dc1: felt a bond straightaway, but l didn't feel any love, more...willing duty, for about a week.
Dc2: instant! The moment our eyes met.
Dc3: as dc1, a bond, a sense of willing duty, but no love. Love started to grow at about 3w.

Sometimes it's a sudden, overwhelming wave. Sometimes it's a gradual realisation. Some people take longer. For some people the physical or emotional strain of labour affects them, similarly the hormonal roller-coaster and broken nights, or the environment they live in.

Sometimes there's no clear reason.

It's all various degrees of normality.

AtseneGatnalp · 02/02/2019 10:06

DC1's birth was horrendous. When they finally managed to get him out, I just said "thank God that's over". He and I were then whisked off to the HDU. I was very ill for a week afterwards (on an antibiotic drip to which I was massively allergic, blood transfusion etc), and I think I mostly thought: "Oh my God, it's a baby. What am I supposed to do with it?" I knew he was mine, but I didn't really feel anything.

DC1 is now 17, and I feel more bonded/connected to him than to anyone on the planet. I don't know if it's because it was more difficult to start with.

DC2 was ELCS, and I felt the 'instant rush' thing with her. Perhaps because it was all so much more straightforward, but that may be nonsense.

Flowers for you, OP.

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 02/02/2019 10:21

I didn't with my first & for the first7 months mainly found it really tough. I loved my baby but often wondered if I had made a mistake having a baby. She was quite difficult to care for, feed etc. She was a much longed for baby after several MC. I felt the "rush of love" after my second, the labour was also much more straightforward.

But I love them both exactly the same & I don't have guilt about the differences I felt when they were first born, I was just learning as a mum. Be kind to yourself 💗

Frazzledmum123 · 02/02/2019 10:26

buggerbugger I've always said the same! My kids are hands down the best thing that every happened to me but their births the best day of my life?? Nah, having several members of staff peering up me, in horrendous pain for days, exhausted, not eaten for 30 odd hours, having to try and squat on the bed to pee in a pan (to see if i needed a catheter), puking constantly, then stuck with needles and sliced open anyway, not so much! Afterwards, once I felt more human and could move etc, yes motherhood was/is something I consider myself blessed to experience but the day itself was certainly not the best lol

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 02/02/2019 10:30

Yes I did feel love for all of mine at birth but for me it continued to grow steadily.

Wearywithteens · 02/02/2019 10:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

rightreckoner · 02/02/2019 10:48

I fell in love with DD at four months when she laughed for the first time. Luckily my DM had warned me she didn’t get the rush so I wasn’t surprised or disappointed when I didn’t.

Seahawk80 · 02/02/2019 11:36

I never felt it. I love DS so much, but never felt the "rush". He was a dreamy newborn and I loved being a mum and never felt overwhelmed, I was really lucky but every so often I felt like I should have felt more. I actually think it's quite patronising when people with kids say you can't imagine how much you will love them. I love him as much as I expected to - a lot! However I do sometimes get shocked at how much I love him, for example now at 18 months when he wakes at 4 for the 4th night in a row and won't go back to sleep without me and I'm so tired and his hair is sticking up my nose and annoying me - then I think I love you so much even though you are putting me through this!

So what I'm trying to say is don't worry - not everyone feels the instant rush, I think it's so built up sometimes you feel like you're not feeling enough if that makes sense.

OhTheRoses · 02/02/2019 11:47

DS1 yes. Posterior birth, night in scbu, poor if not negligent care and lots of barkingnon the post natal ward. I developed pnd largely relating to being crap at bf and spectacularly unhelpful community midwives and hv.

DS2 yes. At 27 weeks and we knew from 20 weeks he was unlikely to make it. He didn't. Excellent consultant led care. Looking back I spent the next 51 weeks in a mental haze and felt numb and unable to look forward.

DD 51 weeks later and a perfect birth with a baby with an apgar score of 9+. No I didn't feel it at all but I was able to move forward again and slowly began to love her but there was no immediate bond or wonder. I looked down and though "oh God, my mother's looking at me". By the time she was walking she was the light of my life and still is nearly 20 years later.

Grimbles · 02/02/2019 11:56

I had my 2nd dc yesterday. First thoughts after a fairly straight forward birth was being glad she was finally here. Not a rush of love, but more like gratitude in the same way as getting a gift you really wanted iyswim? As others have said I now have a firece sense of protection and duty towards her, but it's not love, but I know that it's there and will start to grow as we bond.