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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention - AIBU to say no

432 replies

Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 13:02

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2019 18:23

"Couple of months back they came down outrageously hard on something that was essentially "kids banter""

Ah yes. Banter. Isn't it always? How telling that you don't actually say what it was...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/02/2019 18:40

You forgot the alarm, you refused to drive them when they were late, you do the detention.

ninjawarriorsocks · 01/02/2019 18:59

YABU. By contacting the school and making excuses all you are teaching them is that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Ok so you have said it was your fault not theirs, but you know what, sometimes life isn’t fair.
If they don’t do the detention it could escalate. Plus Schools have better things to do than deal with all the parents phoning/emailing with various reasons why their child shouldn’t do detention.
Do the detention, it’s not a massive amount of time out of their day.
To be honest I think my child would rather do the detention than have the embarrassment of mum phoning up school making excuses for them!

joanmcc · 01/02/2019 19:00

You're damn straight i didn't want to give up the one extremely rare morning I didn't have to get up

Sounds like it'll help you learn from this too.

I wonder if the police would listen to my mum telling them not to punish me if she didn't think it fair? Good luck to your kids in the real world.

blueluce85 · 01/02/2019 19:03

You're damn straight i didn't want to give up the one extremely rare morning I didn't have to get up

But it was your fault! As you say, you should have set the alarm. Now your kids will have to suffer the consequences!

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2019 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fortybingowings · 01/02/2019 19:14

Apparently so.

CherryPavlova · 01/02/2019 19:21

Your fault, as you realise.
They were late though and could have taken responsibility by asking about an alarm.
They should do the detention but then you should collect them and take them out for supper to apologise. You should have got up.
Buy them an alarm clock.

Patchworkpatty · 01/02/2019 19:34

Op you are on a hiding to nothing arguing with MN perfect mummies who have a 'law abiding at any cost - even when it's wrong - achieves nothing and is unfair' mentality. How do we teach our children when to stand up for right and wrong with this ridiculous moralism that you accept the consequences 'cos them is the rules' if your parents don't do set the example.

I am 100% behind your stance. I would and have set had the exact same arguments. My children have only ever stayed for after school detention when I agree with it. This has happened only twice with three children over 11 yrs. In circumstances where they have been rude to teachers, behaved badly or done something dangerous and clearly against the rules with intention.

And no. They can't 'keep them' if you disagree. Just tell them to get on the bus, having told the school that you do not give permission.

Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 19:37

How do we teach our children when to stand up for right and wrong

and this is why the teachers are leaving in their droves!!

MaisyPops · 01/02/2019 19:43

They can't 'keep them' if you disagree. Just tell them to get on the bus, having told the school that you do not give permission.
Schools do not need permission for a detention. If the student doesn't attend then it moves up the behaviour policy and no amount of 'but my mam says I don't have to...' changes that.

It's always people who are disparaging about 'perfect' people entirely reasonable people who take the rough with the smooth who also seem to turn up making false claims about whether schools require parental consent etc.

To be simple-

  1. You don't have to be perfect to say 'parent is ridiculous for whining about predictable sanction after removing alarms from kids, kids sleep in, parent wants a quiet morning and the children are late due to the parent's actions'
  2. You don't have to be perfect to outline that schools do not require parental consent for detentions.
Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 19:51

It is definitely not a case for children to stand up against their teachers though!

PorkPatrol · 01/02/2019 20:03

They need to do the detention imo. I’m sure every child has a valid reason to be late and it often isn’t their fault - traffic, bus late etc.
Since they are relying on you to set the alarm and you didn’t then I would be making it up to them that they have to do a detention because of you - some kind of treat.
But if they are old enough to get the bus to school alone they are old enough to set their own alarms. Get them their own clocks and they can put them on a shelf or desk or somewhere they actually have to get out of bed to switch them off.

Original poster
Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 20:06

Yes I wanted a quiet morning. I'm not going to apologise for a little bit of self care which stops my head exploding with stress. There was a chance they would make the school bus, especially with the snow around.

this is why teachers are leaving in droves - pick a bloody reason. I thought it was the long hours, the unending paperwork, the moving goalposts and the constant assessments and scrutinising. I didn't realise it was parents saying 'er actually on this occasion i'm gonna say no'. But i've no doubt in your head i'm now some feckless mother who's constantly up the school telling them not to pick on poor Johnny.

Life is not black and white, right and wrong. There are shades of grey in between.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 01/02/2019 20:10

Life is not black and white, right and wrong. There are shades of grey in between.
All very true. But has no relevance to this situation in which your children received a sanction for being late.

Give your kids alarm clocks or ensure they get up on time for school isn't a grey situation. The reason they were late for school was due to your actions and then when the consequences of your actions meant they would be late, you chose to allow them to be late.

I can think of many situations where schools act based on grey areas (and rightly so). This is not one of them.

Gardai · 01/02/2019 20:17

My school always phone up and ask if we agree with an after school detention and explain why it’s been given. I always say ‘go ahead’ but that’s because she deserved it. If she didn’t, I’d say no.
YANBU op

PlumCakeChica · 01/02/2019 20:24

Of course they should do the detention. I always agree to after school detention even if it’s an inconvenience for me

blueluce85 · 01/02/2019 20:28

Oh boo hoo OP Yes I wanted a quiet morning. I'm not going to apologise for a little bit of self care which stops my head exploding with stress

If that is the case, then you need to accept that the kids are receiving punishment for your actions

You have not equipped them with the necessary things to enable them to be responsible for themselves, so ideally you should be the one taking the punishment, but unfortunately, that can't happen, so your kids have to take it instead!

MaisyPops · 01/02/2019 20:31

Gardai
That's nice of them but they don't have to.

My school we inform parents of detentions by letter and generally will also do a call if we feel something needs discussing. It's always better to have a positive approach.

But schools don't have to get permission. It's like I don't agree with no notice detentions in most circumstances, but schools can do them and have the authority to do them if they wish.

The problem on MN is that regarding detentions too often people seem to think their opinion on an issue is the same as what is allowed (hence the endless I don't give my consent... no worries hun just tell your child to refuse because they can't do anything... update - I'm now fuming my child is in isolation for apparently missing a detention when I told them not to attend)

Mirali · 01/02/2019 20:39

Gardai, if you say you don't agree with it do they not give it?

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2019 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miljah · 01/02/2019 20:41

I wouldn't support that after school detention for DC who are almost always on time, either.

anniehm · 01/02/2019 20:47

I would talk to the school but also buy them alarm clocks/echo dots. Never rely on photos, they have a habit of downloading new software/restarting/failing to charge - I like my alarm clock plugged in

yummumto3girls · 01/02/2019 20:54

OP I am with you on this, I hate Mumsnet sometimes, just so righteous! I am a great believer of fairness and in this occasion this punishment doesn’t fit the crime! I think some teachers get trigger happy chucking around detentions because they can. I too have my children’s backs, DD2 has had countless detentions that I never question, however she too has a strong moral compass and last week was to be punished for something she didn’t do, the teacher would not even listen - I intervened, I teach my children to stand up for right and wrong I believe this will fair them far better in life.

Topseyt · 01/02/2019 20:59

I understand how you feel OP, i.e. that your children are being punished for something that you feel, rightly or wrongly, is your fault. None of us are perfect.

You could try sending the message you have suggested. It isn't unreasonable in itself. However, they might say that they get many such requests from parents and really cannot give in to them all. So you would then have to accept that they must do the detention.

There are two things you could have done differently here if you felt that their lateness was your own fault and wanted to mitigate it.

Firstly, you could have driven them to school and had them there on time.

Secondly, if you weren't going to drive them you could have phoned ahead to the school for them, said that they would be a few minutes late, that it was your fault entirely and it wouldn't happen again.

My DD (now in the lower sixth form) was unavoidably late yesterday because the bus arrived almost half an hour late and due to being at work neither DH nor I were able to take her. She phoned me (I couldn't work out why she didn't phone the school herself, but never mind) and I phoned the school for her. She signed in ten minutes late in the end and there was no issue.

You could have driven them. However, I don't think it should be beyond them to set alarms themselves too.