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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention - AIBU to say no

432 replies

Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 13:02

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 01/02/2019 13:39

No legal or moral right to say they can't be held against my wishes....I'd argue that with you!

You’d be on a hiding to nothing. You have probably signed a home-school agreement, and the government says that parents don’t even have to be informed of after school detentions, let alone permission sought.

Angelicinnocent · 01/02/2019 13:39

Yep agree with pp. Since your DC don't have alarms, I would say your fault but they have to take the consequences.

donquixotedelamancha · 01/02/2019 13:41

When did it become a thing that a parent could refuse a detention?

Legally it isn't. For most parents it isn't. Some children, however, are special and normal expectations don't apply to them.

No legal or moral right to say they can't be held against my wishes....I'd argue that with you!

What is the point in arguing with me? It would be trivial for you to google it. If you really would refuse to co-operate with the school's behaviour policy please look for a school with one that you can support or (even better) home school your kids.

Starlight456 · 01/02/2019 13:41

The thing is you say your fault and you could not drive them to school.??? So you thought it was on for them to be late ???

Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 13:43

Yes exactly that. They will remember they got a detention and will ask before they go to bed "Mum are you sure the alarm is set?"

If you thought it wasn't their fault but yours you would have driven them in.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 01/02/2019 13:43

DD has successfully managed to get herself to school on time for 4 years. DS 2 years.

Well, they haven't have they - because you set their alarm for them every night.
Time to teach your DCs some independence.

spot102 · 01/02/2019 13:45

FWIW I'd explain to the school and let them decide, sometimes they are fair.
Be tempted to buy kids an alarm clock though, then it is their responsibility. However doing the detention might get them to see relying on you isn't a good idea, and might encourage them to be more independent.
Either way I personally wouldn't stress too much

Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 13:46

I am getting confused now in some posts you say it wasn't their fault so they shouldn't get a detention but then you say it isn't your responsibility and they've been getting themselves to school for 4 and 2 years respectively.

Either way they have a detention and they will either carry on getting themselves to school or checking that you have set the alarm because the detention will be in the back of their minds!

CantStopMeNow · 01/02/2019 13:51

Being disciplined should be about teaching you a lesson. What is this going to teach them? Make sure your mum doesn't forget to set the alarm?
Errrr.....take personal responsibility to ensure the alarm is set before you go to bed?
Don't just assume it's somebody else's job?

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2019 13:53

Why don't you buy them alarm clocks with their phones as backup?

Alternatively it's their responsibility to put the alarm on and the phones on the landing.

bridgetreilly · 01/02/2019 13:55

What is this going to teach them? Make sure your mum doesn't forget to set the alarm?

It seems like this would be a useful lesson for them to learn. Also that it is, in fact, their responsibility to get to school on time.

OopsInamechangedagain · 01/02/2019 13:57

How old are they? Why haven't they got alarm clocks?

RomanyRoots · 01/02/2019 14:04

Schools can not enforce detentions after school
HTH.
As stated I refused due to after school commitments. If they needed detaining it was during lunch or break.

NoSquirrels · 01/02/2019 14:10

Punishment doesn't really fit the crime

15 minutes late to school = wasted educational time

Punishment = wasting children's free time

Seems totally logical to me.

I'd have them do the detention, and I would apologise to them for a) not setting the alarm and b) not offering them a lift to get them there on time when my mistake had been discovered.

And c) suggest to them that they set their own alarms.

RavenLG · 01/02/2019 14:18

If I was pandering to them I would have driven them to school!

But you admitted this was your fault so why would it be pandering to them? Very confused.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/02/2019 14:21

Yes, I don't really see why you wouldn't "pander to them" if it was in fact your fault. If I were them, I might think the person responsible didn't take the opportunity to put things right.

Fabaunt · 01/02/2019 14:22

If they’re in school they are bound to follow school rules. Mommy doesn’t override school rules. If you don’t like the rules move them somewhere that you can overrule or home school them

LadyPenelope68 · 01/02/2019 14:22

They could set their own alarms! They were late, if detention is the standard punishment for that, then they do the detention

TheFallenMadonna · 01/02/2019 14:23

And get them alarm clocks!

Racecardriver · 01/02/2019 14:26

This teaches them that they need to take responsibility for making sure they wake up on time instead of expecting mummy to do it. YABU. You haven’t said that this is of any inconvenience to you so it really isn’t any of your business. At their age they should be able to deal with the school themselves.

TeddybearBaby · 01/02/2019 14:27

I had this sort of thing once. I washed my sons lab coat and completely forgot that he said he needed it for the next day so it was soaking wet. He got a consequence for not having it. I said it was my fault but it didn’t make any difference. He just took the punishment cos we cba with it. I just said the lesson is life isn’t fair and you can’t trust your mother 😂

BlueTrees123 · 01/02/2019 14:29

I'm sorry but the fact they were late is entirely your fault, and I'd be making that crystal clear to the school.

I'm not sure why secondary school age children need to have their phones 'taken from them'. All you're doing is removing their ability to be self-disciplined and self-organised, which are vital skills they'll need at university and work.

PineapplesAndTheGovernment · 01/02/2019 14:36

I just said the lesson is life isn’t fair and you can’t trust your mother
Grin The op can use that too!

CuckooCuckooClock · 01/02/2019 14:38

At my school if you miss a detention you just get another longer one. If you miss that you're in isolation for a day and a detention. Just tell them to do the detention. I'm all for questioning rules but you are not teaching your DC a valuable lesson by condoning breaking rules at school.

CuckooCuckooClock · 01/02/2019 14:39

bluetrees another skill they might need for uni and work is getting themselves there on time without mummy's help.