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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention - AIBU to say no

432 replies

Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 13:02

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

OP posts:
Fortybingowings · 01/02/2019 16:06

Don't undermine the school. It's a valuable life lesson for them to do the detention. I can't believe you'd think otherwise.

CarolDanvers · 01/02/2019 16:11

It's a valuable life lesson for them to do the detention.

In what way? What is it teaching them in this particular circumstance?

Fortybingowings · 01/02/2019 16:18

It's teaching them that I'd you don't turn up on time for preplanned important things (in this case school) - then there are consequences. In this case a detention.
Later in life, a missed job interview or missed meeting will have different consequences.

CarolDanvers · 01/02/2019 17:06

Well it isn't, as they clearly already know this. What this taught them is they can get punished for other people's mistakes and they need to STFU and accept it.

Fortybingowings · 01/02/2019 17:09

I don't agree.

CarolDanvers · 01/02/2019 17:11

I was sure you wouldn't. I think you're talking a load of utter tripe but I was trying to be polite.

RedSkyLastNight · 01/02/2019 17:26

They are secondary age. They are responsible for getting themselves up, not relying on Mum. That means they don't roll over and go back to sleep when their alarm goes off, or they put it somewhere where they will have to get up. Not that they have a solution where Mum does all the thinking for them.

AuchAyeTheNo · 01/02/2019 17:30

I would refuse it.

Detention used to be for misbehaving, no homework etc not being late 1 morning that’s just ridiculous. If the bus broke down and 20 children were late would they all receive a detention?

PurpleCrowbar · 01/02/2019 17:33

I did this last last week & I teach at the bloody school! Grin

We ALL slept in. Missed the buses (international overseas school - kid bus trundles round compound at 7, teacher bus is 5-10 minutes behind it.

So they did the detention (I was supervising it ffs, so was extra popular...)

Lateness is a PITA for schools & everyone has an excuse. So unless the bus is delayed it's tough.

I get it seems unfair, but one or two kids having to do detention because their parents messed up is life in the real world. We've cut lateness hugely since bringing in the policy, which is for the greater good...

Definitely a) get them alarms & b) treat them by way of apology though. The detention shouldn't be seen as a punishment so much as a necessary deterrent against people endlessly rolling in late causing disruption.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 01/02/2019 17:37

YABVU. The reason why they were late is irrelevant; they were late, so they should face the consequences.

Whynotnowbaby · 01/02/2019 17:38

By all means take it up with the school, I don’t know how far you will get, I had a sixth former last year who couldn’t get round the corner from where he lived to school on time every day, dad said it was his fault as he didn’t always get the boy up and so it shouldn’t go on his UCAS reference as a late- because dad will of course get him up every morning when he lives away from home and goes to uni. At some point we need to expect children to take responsibility for their own lateness, I totally agree phones shouldn’t be in rooms I even agree on the alarm in the corridor so they can’t roll over and turn it off but they could also have a conventional, old fashioned alarm clock next to their beds which they set themselves before bed.

Fortybingowings · 01/02/2019 17:44

Exactly whynotnowbaby
Teaching responsibility and self reliance is part of my job as a parent.
In this case the detention is the consequence of sleeping in accidentally. If I had £1.00 for every time I've had to endure some hardship because of someone else's cock up then I'd be very rich.
Getting up in the morning and organised for school is a shared responsibility. They could have played their part too.

blueluce85 · 01/02/2019 17:45

I'm still wondering about the OP not driving her children too, like so many others on here! You knew they would be late getting the public bus and they would have missed the school one! Did you just not want to give up your precious morning on your day off??

JMKid · 01/02/2019 17:49

Don't be one of those parents!! They were late, they do the detention.

cuppycakey · 01/02/2019 17:49

YABU

They should do the detention.

chillpizza · 01/02/2019 17:53

I was never allowed to do after school detention for safety reasons due to catching two different busses to get home in the dark as a lone teenager with no phone. The school where allowed to keep me in at lunch/internal exclusion or external.

chillpizza · 01/02/2019 17:56

My school has written something into its policy about being responsible for children while in uniforms getting to and from school and didn’t want the risk of me coming to harm from their sanctions.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/02/2019 17:58

”I don't agree with punitive punishment no.”

Surely ALL punishment is, by definition, punitive, @Florasnotin? Confused

To answer your question - I think they should do the detention, and as long as they can get home afterwards, it should be the after school detention. At most, you could request that they do the detention at lunch time, as long as there are lunchtime detention sessions, as it would be unreasonable of you to expect a teacher to give up their lunch break to put on a detention specially for your children.

Original poster
Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 18:01

You're damn straight i didn't want to give up the one extremely rare morning I didn't have to get up. DD shouted through 'we're late' I said you've got 16 mins to get the school bus, they tried to make it (they have a mile to walk) and just missed it. Public bus came 8 mins later but is slower due to stops, school is 4 miles away, they were 15 mins late.

Please don't comment on my parenting. Do a 7 year stint raising 4 kids on your own whilst working and then come and talk to me about moronic parenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 18:03

No I don't think it is all punitive.

I've agreed with every punishment they've ever gotten from school. It's not unreasonable to give detention for disrupting a class, fighting, bullying, not doing homework, answering back, being a little shit etc etc

OP posts:
babyno5 · 01/02/2019 18:04

I'd say no. Like you I normally back the school when it comes to detentions etc. Couple of months back they came down outrageously hard on something that was essentially "kids banter". They wanted to put him in isolation-we are talking grade A student who captains the years football team. They also had no communication with us just sent a text he was going into isolation. I hit the roof. Refused permission. They called a meeting which we attended and was told they'd get back to us. Never heard another word about it!!
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you know is right OP

Mirali · 01/02/2019 18:08

What's the relevance of him being a grade A student? Would a less able student be more deserving of isolation for the same "banter?"

MaisyPops · 01/02/2019 18:10

Schools can't forcibly detain, but they don't require your consent so refusing to attend is just going to escalate up the behaviour policy.

At secondary, the policy is clear, they didn't wake up in time (yours or their fault is irrelevant as that's how you choose to rub your house) and were late to school. The consequence is clear.

I don't get why if missing the school bus would make them late and them being late has a clear sanction, why the OP wpuld remove the children's ability to get themselves up and then not drive them when it became clear the kids were running late (given it's apparently OP's fault). It seems a bit much to prioritise a quiet morning over the children getting to school on time, and then complain about the consequence.

cricketballs3 · 01/02/2019 18:16

They were late, school rules stipulate late=detention - why should your DC not have to follow school rules?

For PP - secondary schools don't need parental permission for a DT

SavageBeauty73 · 01/02/2019 18:21

Doesn't matter the reason they were late. They need to do the detention.