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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention - AIBU to say no

432 replies

Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 13:02

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

OP posts:
BlueTrees123 · 01/02/2019 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuckooCuckooClock · 01/02/2019 14:43

No blue they were late. They need to get themselves to school on time and stop relying on their mum to do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.

Elfinablender · 01/02/2019 14:43

They don't have phones in their rooms hence 'i removed their phones and I forgot to set the alarm'

How do they manage every other school day then if the reason why they were late was because you took their phones off them, which they don't normally have anyway because they aren't allowed them in their rooms? ConfusedConfusedHmm

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2019 14:44

I'm looking forward to a really good drip feed as to why they can't set their own alarms Wink

Elfinablender · 01/02/2019 14:45

Duh...sorry.i'll actually read my cut and pasted next time, shall I? GrinBlush

recrudescence · 01/02/2019 14:46

Speaking as a former teacher, it is very much appreciated when parents support the school’s procedures. So I think they should do the detention but you should make it up to them with a little treat as acknowledgement of your mistake.

(BTW referring to the OP’s “moronic parenting” is rude and unfair IMO.)

tillytrotter1 · 01/02/2019 14:46

when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

Especially when applied to MY child, how very dare they, discipline is what other people's children need!

If you do object to the school's punishment I'm sure they wouldn't object to your looking for a school with low enough standards for you.

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2019 14:47

I think the lesson is "its not mummy's responsibility to see you get to school on time". Did neither of them raise the issue of alarms when you took their phones? If not, why not?

Mirali · 01/02/2019 14:48

Forgetting to set an alarm once isn't moronic parenting

Mirali · 01/02/2019 14:48

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles Because they haven't got hands Wink

JammieCodger · 01/02/2019 14:49

They do the detention, because those are the rules and you support the school’s disciplinary processes. (Unless you want to be that parent.)

Then, if it’s your fault and particularly because you didn’t offer them a lift, you grovel to them, buy them each an alarm clock and do something nice to make it up to them.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2019 14:52

Mirali Grin I actually was going to say "a drip feed like they haven't got any arms"...but then I thought if they actually didn't have any arms I would feel awful Blush typing that has made me realise how ridiculous I sound!

CarolDanvers · 01/02/2019 14:55

My child wouldn't be doing an after school detention under these circumstances and I couldn't care less what a load of sanctimonious MNetters think about that so roast away Smile but then I am also the mother who drove back to school twice this week when dd forgot her pencil case and then again the following day with her blazer. I actually really like my kids though and want them to know I have their backs. My dd struggles at school but gives 110%. She's never been late in seven years of schooling and her attendance stands at 100% most terms. Her teachers regularly tell me how strenuous her effort is and they wish all the kids they taught tried so hard. So yes on the few occasions she screws up I will be there to help her out, just like I would for other people I like and love.

Original poster
Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 15:04

Mwahahaha, you're all on a hiding to nothing trying to goad me with your 'mummy's special snowflakes who are above the rules' comments.

DS had an after school detention last week. DD moaned at me yesterday that the teacher had moved the class around and could I ask her to move her to another seat, she was laughed out of my room.

'You sent them there you should abide by their rules'....you don't think rules change in 4 years? The school has had two different trusts and three different 'executive heads' in that time. Rules change all the time. Being late was not an after school detention infraction.

Why don't they set their own alarms......I remove their phones alongside all advice given by teachers, schools, mental health proffesionals and everyone else who advises that teenagers should not have phones in their rooms at night. Alexa goes in the hallway and on my way to bed I set all the family alarms. She is my alarm too. Alarms aren't in their bedrooms so they don't roll over and switch them off. I think i've been quite clear on this point. So you don't need to keep telling me to cancel the cheque Wink

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 01/02/2019 15:07

She's never been late in seven years of schooling and her attendance stands at 100% most terms. Her teachers regularly tell me how strenuous her effort is and they wish all the kids they taught tried so hard. So yes on the few occasions she screws up I will be there to help her out, just like I would for other people I like and love.

I'm sure most parents feel the same. I'm also sure that most teachers would give another chance to a kid who was late once for understandable reasons.

The issue here isn't the OP phoning up and discussing- the issue is the attitude of expecting to give orders to teachers, not understanding why school policies need to be consistent and thinking that getting her kids to school on time being neither her nor their responsibility.

CarolDanvers · 01/02/2019 15:10

I don’t think the OP sounds like that at all actually.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2019 15:12

Give them an old fashioned alarm clock each? Novel idea I know Grin

Original poster
Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 15:12

The issue here isn't the OP phoning up and discussing- the issue is the attitude of expecting to give orders to teachers, not understanding why school policies need to be consistent and thinking that getting her kids to school on time being neither her nor their responsibility

Mate, thats quite the leap you've made there. Orders to teachers Hmm.

Hello Ms Smith, yes thank you for your message, I know the dc were late this morning, totally my fault, in the circumstances I don't think they should do an after school detention, yes yes I do understand why you have that policy, if it happens again i'm more than happy for them to attend, thanks muchly ta bye

Is a lot different to

Oy stupid teacher bitch, how dare you give my child an after school detention, of course they won't be attending, exactly who do you think you are, don't you know my taxes pay your wages, fuck off

OP posts:
Satsumaeater · 01/02/2019 15:15

I agree with you OP - what's the point of punishing kids for their parent's shortcomings. OK, in MNers perfect houses with their perfect kids who never do anything wrong and never get a detention, the kids set their alarms which are clocks and not phones. But you have a different system and it went wrong. I see no reason for the school to punish the kids in this instance.

It's like the internal isolations for uniform infractions that are due to the parents not being able to buy something quickly enough to avoid it. Madness.

Punish the kids for their own transgressions, not those of their parents.

donquixotedelamancha · 01/02/2019 15:16

Hello Ms Smith, yes thank you for your message, I know the dc were late this morning, totally my fault, in the circumstances I don't think they should do an after school detention, yes yes I do understand why you have that policy, if it happens again i'm more than happy for them to attend, thanks muchly ta bye

As I mentioned in my PP, that's entirely reasonable if the school agrees. Your reply seemed to indicate you thought you have a right to tell the school when your can and can't do detentions- that's not reasonable.

missyB1 · 01/02/2019 15:23

For many many years kids have managed to use alarm clocks without switching them off and being late for school. Alexa didn’t exist until recently! Your problem is you don’t trust them to get up. Maybe they will switch it off and be late a couple of times (and take the detention). But they will learn.
Give them an alarm clock each and let them take responsibility for getting themselves up.

OopsInamechangedagain · 01/02/2019 15:26

You put the alrm clock on the other side of the room. Or you set alexa to do a recurring alarm so you don't have to set it each day (or if times vary a lot set yourself an alexa reminder to set the next day's alarm!)

TORDEVAN · 01/02/2019 15:41

I don't think YABU. I don't see why a break/lunch detention wouldn't be sufficient. After school detention is a bit over the top. When I was at school after school detention was only for more serious stuff (repeated infractions, not first offences)

How late were they? How long is the detention? Did you let the school know it was your fault?

Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 15:58

I am not sure I understand why you even mention removing their phones if that is what you do every night anyway. Why did it make a difference this time?

Why if you believe it was YOUR fault not theirs do you refer to giving them a lift as pandering to them? Surely it would be a whoops my fault kids jump in the car and I will get you there.

PawPawNoodle · 01/02/2019 16:01

I do think your children should attend detention because they were late, regardless of the reasons.

They should then come home and give you a form of detention to 'fit the crime'. You say them getting to school isn't your responsibility but a) yes it is don't be ridiculous and b) you've taken on the responsibility of setting the family alarms (whatever that is). You were even home and still didn't bother to take them and allowed them to be late, both taking away learning time and disrupting the other children in their classes. I think you deserve some recourse for it.