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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

264 replies

cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:18

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it. Confused

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. Sad She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35Sad)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

OP posts:
Justaboy · 02/02/2019 12:48

If you're wong, and she is a thief, she'll carry on and will be caught.

Eh?, she is a thief, its just that now she will be able to carry on and con some other poor unsuspecting sod:(

Yes she may well be somewhat contrite, yes she may be poor and short of money but others are poor and short of money but they don't abuse other peoples trust, people who trust them to enter their homes and help themselves to their money and other stuff.

If the OP had gone to the police they would i very much suspect have given the OP some equipment to capture her in the act of theft and then she'd have been convicted. That would show up on a CBA check so anyone employing her say a cleaning agency or where a high degree of trust is required would then know her past form. She could possibly get another job where it isn't such a requirement.

buckingfrolicks · 02/02/2019 13:20

Round of applause OP I wish everyone was as kind and empathetic as you.

diddl · 02/02/2019 13:26

"So perhaps a fittingbendung really."

AbsolutelyGrin

MrsBosh · 02/02/2019 15:18

You sound so nice, OP. Sweep it all under the rug now!

MzHz · 02/02/2019 15:54

She’s crying cos she got caught.

Where were her tears for your kids when they were apologising to you for having lost their money/savings?

The last thing this country needs is another person to take money from those who can’t stand up for themselves.

There is no excuse. None whatsoever

If she were in trouble, she could have spoken to you. She chose to steal from your kids.

Unforgivable.

MzHz · 02/02/2019 15:56

If she gives your name as a reference, tell them the truth.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 02/02/2019 18:54

Yeah, obviously if she gives my name as a reference I will tell the truth.

Those suggesting I should have gone to the police etc clearly have never been to the police. Hmm

It's not like Midsomer murders. More than likely they would point me to an Internet portal where I could submit the incident, get a reference number etc.

I've been completely switched off based on all my dealings with them. They've just made me feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 02/02/2019 19:54

Handled very well imho.
Who knows why she did it? But your Way was real restorative justice!

crazycatgal · 02/02/2019 23:15

I don't understand how you think that the way you've handled things will prevent her stealing again? She's basically got off scot free, there is nothing to stop her stealing from the next person.

Obviously I understand that you wanted to handle it this way, I just found it strange that you think this is more likely to stop her stealing than reporting her.

PCohle · 02/02/2019 23:22

She got the sack and lost a reference that would help her and her family stay in the country. It's not criminal prosecution but it's not scot free either really.

Mummymummums · 03/02/2019 01:16

To be frank, whether reporting is a hassle or not, she might next go on to cleaning for a vulnerable person, or another home based visits job. The fact you haven't bothered to report the crime is horrible imo. It would only go on record, granted, but it's a huge deterrent for her doing it again. What you've done will do nothing to stop her doing this again.

MintyT · 03/02/2019 04:43

You handled it very well, well done. I know your sad about it all, I can feel it in your words. Your hurt and I'm sorry this has happened to you

snitzelvoncrumb · 03/02/2019 05:02

I agree you need to report it, she may be doing this to a lot of people. She is giving honest cleaners a bad reputation.

Prettyvase · 03/02/2019 05:14

Omg she got caught by you but how many other households does she clean?!

You can be sure she has been stealing from them too. And I wouldn't put it past her to forge your signature either.

You absolutely do need to report what happened as there is no way thieves should be applying for residency!

mathanxiety · 03/02/2019 06:06

I can't understand - are you or are you not going to co-operate with her wrt the residency application?

Oh no, I'm not going to help with the residency application. I'm not that soft!
...The consequences are there. First the confrontation, albeit fairly delicate.
Then the loss of the job.
Also the loss of any help with residency, and maybe a big scare that it could have been an awful lot worse.

Not getting residency because of petty theft seems a heavy price. I'm not justifying the crime or saying its right, I'm just saying it's not something I would want to affect her son's whole life. It's not his fault.

We will not make things difficult for her with the residency application

Confused

Fwiw, I think you should remember that a child is involved here and refusing to do whatever box ticking is necessary could well have an impact on him.

Also, and I know you know when you know, and you don't need to film anybody, etc., but you do not have incontrovertible proof that the money was taken by the cleaner.

SingaporeSlinky · 03/02/2019 08:31

mathanxiety I think OP’s saying she’s not going to report the cleaner to the police, but she’s not going to directly support the application. So if she’s asked for a reference etc, she will refuse, or tell the truth about the stealing. But she won’t go out of her way to ensure she gets refused a visa.

MzHz · 03/02/2019 08:32

I think if op just turns the page, that’s enough, she’s handled this a lot calmer than I know I would have done, and she’s the one who’s right

But please, we are all responsible for our own children and not those of others. At any one of the hundreds of points in her life when she considered stealing money from op (worse, her defenceless dc) she thought, fuck it, they won’t miss it, they won’t need it, in mor entitled to it than them. That takes a special kind of cruelty/heartlessness

I’ve lived abroad and had all the “I’ll put you in my eyes, care for you like my own, help you with everything” and then they’ve proceeded to help themselves to my belongings and then threatened me when I found out and wanted them out of my home.

My ex didn’t even back me up when he came back to deal with it.

So any fall out to that family is on her. This is not poverty stricken Somalia ffs, this isn’t some kind of place where there’s no hope for either support, welfare or even sympathetic help. That woman had not right to do what she did, any consequences are 100% on her. If her son is adversely affected then that’s on her. Unlucky that you have a liar and a thief for a mother. At least he’ll grow up knowing that stealing is the wrong thing to do, it’s called biting the hand that feeds you and it’s utter betrayal of trust.

HoraceCope · 03/02/2019 08:55

I think you did the right thing,
not a police involvement.
and in future your dc money/cash, should be put in their bank account, or yours if they dont have one, for safekeeping.

HoraceCope · 03/02/2019 08:56

oh and keep any purses/wallets on your person

ItsHardToExplain · 03/02/2019 09:28

Some of this is turning into victim blaming. Someone I knew and trusted stole from me. It wasn’t my fault I left things in my house with a person I loved and they took them. It was them because they were so fucking disgusting.
Same goes for OP.

HoraceCope · 03/02/2019 09:30

The point is Trust No one

bluetheskyis · 03/02/2019 09:47

I agree that the police will be totallly uninterested. We had our car broken into and vandalised - a grands worth of repairs. The culprits left beer cans, rubbish in the car too, and I could LITERALLY see their finger prints on the windows. Police asked if there were witnesses - no as it it was done late at night - and that was it. Got a letter saying without witnesses they had nothing to follow up on so wouldn’t be investigating. So the so the same thieves will be out there breaking into other cars and knowing f all will. E done about it by our useless police force.

bluetheskyis · 03/02/2019 09:48

They aren’t going to give a toss about a petty thief.

TheLostTargaryen · 03/02/2019 09:49

I hope her other clients are as well off as you and can afford to be robbed. Let's keep our fingers crossed that the thief isn't cleaning for vulnerable elderly people who are paying her out of their meagre pensions because they just really need the help.
It's very surprising to me how many people here are feeling sympathy for the thief. Would you feel that way about a gang of pickpockets? What about shoplifters, burglars or muggers? Is it okay because they need the money and have a child?

I do think that if you commit crimes in the country you have no legal claim to (and this goes to our boozy wanker Brits smashing up Spanish bars or English housewives smuggling drugs) then you should not be welcome to stay. She should have been caught on camer and reported to the authorities.

Roussette · 03/02/2019 10:00

I have no sympathy for the thief. None whatsoever. But to start blaming cloudspotter is very wrong. The Police won't be interested. The only thing I would be doing is... if she came from an Agency, I would be telling them.

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