AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

[cloudspotter]

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it.

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

I don't think anyone was offended by the god bit, just found it a little odd that's all.

You trusted her, she has proved that trust was misplaced. It might be a good idea to change the lock anyway. You can pick one up from screwfix and do it yourself quite cheaply,

This happened in an office I know where a staff member was suspected of stealing money. The office manager set up a hidden camera to get evidence of the next theft but as it happened the whole thing came to a head before video evidence could be got, due to another staff member confronting the thief, who was fired on the spot. If you want evidence and/or to go to the police, you will need video footage.

I'd still change the locks too. There is a gap between now and her returning the keys and it would be better to be sure in your mind that that won't cause a problem.

Thanks for your supportive comments. I do feel really sad and hollow now. It's not a nice situation.

We will change the locks. We've had many, many cleaners over the years and they have all been honest. We've had things go missing and then turn up because they had been tidied away somewhere different.

I know you have to be absolutely sure before making any suggestion/accusation.

The £35 is all square with this week's wages, so it's just the kids Christmas and birthday money, which I will reimburse them and think of it as one of those "life overheads" like parking tickets, uninsured drivers and other things that are just a bummer but not worth getting bitter about.

I think you handled it well, and with compassion. I hope your next experience is better and that it doesn't tarnish your belief in others too much.

I thought the god comment was fine. She’s clearly guilty as she wouldn’t have offered you money if not. I’d be worried about you not having your keys back. I wouldn’t leave the house unattended until they were changed and would call someone out tonight/tomorrow to do it.

Well I also believe you handed this very well OP, you gave her room to admit what she has been doing, and you've not flown off the handle either, you have been very balanced.

I think the loss of the 'residency reference' will hit her harder than being caught stealing, because her Husband will likely want to know why you now won't give a reference.

Either way OP, well done, that was a difficult thing to confront

I don’t understand why you would not want your money back? She’s stolen from your children. I would report her to the Home office or whoever myself. I think you are being far too lenient. She’s a thief.

The problem if I did try to take it further is twofold.

1. I have circumstantial evidence that puts it beyond reasonable doubt for me, because I am the witness. I knew it was there, I know when it was gone. If I were to take it further, I would end up being the one on trial in a his word against hers situation, and I'm not prepared to go through that experience. I hate the way it always gets turned on its head and the victim ends up having to justify themselves. I'd imagine its very, very unlikely to lead to a trial or court. Its very unlikely that I would get the money back even if it did. You'd have to spend a lot of time and effort trying to collect evidence. I'm not going to risk putting myself at risk during that period, just to get evidence. For all I know, her husband might be in a criminal gang, that might decide to taje the law into their own hands? I might get burgled, threatened etc.

1. Even if none of this happened, the consequences outweigh the crime. Not getting residency because of petty theft seems a heavy price. I'm not justifying the crime or saying its right, I'm just saying it's not something I would want to affect her son's whole life. It's not his fault.

I understand what you are saying about evidence, but is taking at least two hundred pounds from petty theft? It’s a gross abuse of trust. She’s stolen from you and to me it is worse than a burglary. I think it’s strange you are making excuses for her. She deserves to lose her residency. She’s a thief. She’ll steal from others in the future I will bet.

You're a nice person op.

For what's it worth OP, I wouldn't go to the police either, for the reasons you state.

Yes it shit that she might go on to do the same to others but the unlikelihood of the police doing anything plus the unpleasantness for me would put me off.

OP - I think you've handled it really well. She will have had a big scare, and she's lucky she's not prosecuted this time.

I suggest that you tell your next cleaner that you have tiny webcams dotted about (even if you don't, they are tiny and easy to conceal) and that should deter anyone from even thinking about stealing.

BUT justaboy 'Non UK national then?, even more reason to get the police involved.' - Wut? What exactly do you mean by this?

I think you're lovely OP and I don't know why you've had a bit of a hard time on here. I hate it when my faith in people is rocked, sadly it seems quite a common occurrence.

Think you’ve handled it really well and there’s not much more you could do. There was never any evidence that she’d stolen -from a police perspective it’s going nowhere. It’s pretty obvious she did steal it and the trust is gone anyway.

My parents sacked their cleaner who started fleecing them AFTER they’d increased her pay and gave gifts for her and her kids birthdays.

She made a couple of ‘jokey’ comments about how much they appeared to have (they are WC retirees who are careful with money and definitely aren’t rich). It was like she became jealous and was trying to even the score via theft.

I think you did the right thing op, I think the god thing was fine and I think it was the right way of dealing with it.

Dh had this with an employee. I persuaded him to go to the police about it as he volunteers with kids and I wanted it to be there in black and white that he’s a thief every dbs check.
The police were interested as it’s a greater crime stealing from someone you work for and are in a trusted position.
But we had to do two things, set up a camera and mark the notes. As soon as we saw it we rang the police, loads turned up and put him in a van!
Unfortunately they could only charge with what had been seen on the camera (and found in his possession) rather then the full amount he’d stolen. But it’s there, his family knows he’s a thief, his mum knows he’s a thief (after he lied to her about getting sacked) and every dbs check it comes up.

The final chapter. I actually ended up popping round to get the keys. She texted to say that becayse of the cold and wet she didn't want to do the round trip to our house and back with her son (it's a long walk and I understand with a child).

I arrived with some trepidation, and knocked at the door. I could tell she had been crying.

She gave me a large jar of honey which had been made by her mum on their farm back home. Dh loves their honey, we were once given one as a gift, and it is incredible.

Again it was very sad. She looked very sheepish and keot apologising. When she gave the honey she said "At least I can give you this, this is something".

So I said thank you and good luck with the future. I honestly think this way of handling things is more likely to prevent her doing it again than involving the police. I don't think she is a bad person, just a weak person that was tempted. There could be any sorts of background like loan sharks, drugs, gangs. But I don't want to know, I will just presume she had her reasons for being tempted.

She could have put laxatives in the honey - beware

What a horrible story.

A jar of honey when she's stolen more than £200-she'd have been wearing it!

And presumably the money was in the kids rooms so she knew it was theirs

The OP handled it very well. I think the cleaner was showing she regretted what she had done.

you handled this well op. i would be binning that honey tho.

As it happens, the honey got smashed on the way home as one of the dc threw a snowball at the other and it dropped to the pavement. So perhaps a fittingbendung really.

I think you handled things well, but perhaps in the future it’s better not to leave money lying around. Encourage your kids to put their Christmas/birthday money straight in the bank and keep your own money in your purse. In theory the cleaner should be able to resist the temptation but when you are broke and there’s money just lying around it’s too easy for people to get tempted. Money is important, so it’s good to treat it as such.

I think you have handled that really kindly; if she is good person who made a mistake she won't do it again - your actions will have made her so ashamed. If you're wong, and she is a thief, she'll carry on and will be caught.