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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to change the locks as I have found out the cleaner is stealing from us

264 replies

cloudspotter · 30/01/2019 21:18

It starts a while back.

My daughter had "misplaced" both birthday money and Christmas money. Her room is a bit of a mess, and she's not terribly organised, so we just presumed she had lost it. Confused

However, to have lost so much money repeatedly just didn't quite ring true. It was almost a case of "you couldn't lose money that often even if you tried"

She was devastated and had no idea how it had gone missing. She swore she had known where it was, and that someone must have thrown it away. It's testament to what a lovely girl she is that she just accepted it and moved on. Sad She had saved it all up to spend on a birthday shopping trip.

There were four or five separate occasions and tranches of money. Even for the dippiest person in the world it seemed too unlikely. But I absolutely trusted our cleaner, I totally dismissed any thoughts that she might be involved.

Anyway, in the back of my mind I wondered if the cleaner had thrown it away, by accident, but I didn't want to say anything because obviously it would look like an accusation.

This morning, I had in my room an envelope with cash in, I thought I would just leave it out in my room to see if it was still there tonight. (£35Sad)

It's gone. The only people who have been in there are me, dh and the cleaner. He had also noticed the £35 this morning, and the same thought had crossed his mind.

He's now checked his wallet and £10 is missing from it.

We are really shocked. The cleaner had been really honest. Once her son took a cheap glass gem and she brought it back, with an apology.

We absolutely trusted her, but there are now too many occurrences to make sense.

What the hell do I do now? The cleaner has got our house keys. Do we need to change the locks before we alert her to the fact that we now know?

OP posts:
Somethingsmellsnice · 03/02/2019 10:19

Definitely still change the locks for any doors for which she had keys as she might not have wanted to walk back in the cold to give them back but could easily have gone somewhere to get another set cut!

springlike · 03/02/2019 10:23

I like the OPs way of dealing with this. There may be many reasons why the cleaner did what she did - not acceptable but she has paid a price. However, I'm not sure the police won't be interested, but without evidence ie. CCTV or an admission it would not go any further. Judging by the amount of "armchair police" on this thread not many people have much of an idea how frustrating it is to not be able to solve people's crimes. I think the majority of police want to do the best they can and it's very frustrating to have to file reports even though you're pretty sure you know that person is guilty!

HoraceCope · 03/02/2019 10:30

At work we are told not to leave valuables out, as an inpatient in a hospital you must lock your valuables up.
you are letting someone into your home, to work, therefore lock your valuables up.it makes sense.

beanaseireann · 03/02/2019 10:41

I'm glad you sorted it OP
I feel sorry for her other clients though.

bluebell34567 · 03/02/2019 11:08

agree with HoraceCope.
when you have a new cleaner lock up your valuables.
even such nice person as you had can get tempted, you cant know anyone in depth.

PCohle · 03/02/2019 11:28

Surely there is always a level of trust required when you have a cleaner. She has a key to your house and access to valuables you simply can't lock up like TVs etc.

Telling OP this is her fault for having cash out in her house and she will be personally responsible if the cleaner goes on to commit other thefts smacks of victim blaming.

beanaseireann · 03/02/2019 11:38

Do change the locks.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/02/2019 11:52

I used to work for people where I had access to their houses when they weren't in.

My employer recommended me to a friend of his, and the friend asked him, "Don't you worry she'll steal stuff?" My boss said no. He said, "She's not thick." I would have liked him to have said that I was not thick and honest, but unfortunately nobody can genuinely say this, as OP has found out. You can tell someone isn't stupid, but you cannot tell - until it's too late - that they are not honest. Nobody announces that given temptation, they will help themselves to someone else's belongings.

It's galling that a thief will get away with it, and may continue stealing elsewhere. But it's the destruction of the trust OP had that is the worst for her I should think. And yes, change the locks - it's a small price for tighter security.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 03/02/2019 12:56

Dh has changed the locks, so that is done, and in fact it's not cost as much as we thought to do that. Well worth it for peace of mind, especially as we have had many, many cleaners over the past ten years. They have all had keys, as have neighbours, pet sitters, plant waterers. The kids have lost at least three sets.

It's probably about time we changed them anyway. God knows what the home insurance would have said if we'd got burgled. We'd never have worked out who it was.

As for this time, I think it's being a bit misunderstood.

Not contacting the police is because I don't feel the evidence I've got is sufficient. I'm not going to turn myself into an amateur sleuth, risking further loss of property by setting up a camera etc. I'm not brave enough, and I genuinely don't have the time. I work up to 12 hour days on top of two kids, a husband, a house. Hence having a cleaner in the first place.

Also I know from experience you can jump to conclusions and get things wrong. Obviously I think I am 100% right becayse my brain has scripted the narrative that I now believe and that I have told as my truth.

But we are all fallible. On the offchance that something random and bizarre has happened that I'm not aware of. In this instance I can't imagine what. "The dog ate my money".

But just imagine that somehow I have a brain tumour or am deluded or dh did take it. The tiniest possibility of being wrong is enough for me to stop short of reporting to the police if someone has got a residency application in the pipeline. The consequences of being wrong are unthinkable.

It's like why we don't have capital punishment. For every 100 serial killers that society would probably love to see the back of, there might be one innocent person wrongfully killed.

OP posts:
Firestars · 03/02/2019 13:43

@cloudspotter don't explain yourself. You seem like a very empathetic and sensible person. You've been both level headed and kind throughout the whole thing.

sleeplessinsomewhereelse · 03/02/2019 15:14

I still think you have done a brilliant job handling this.

We have a key safe with a key in it and the code gets changed regularly. Saves changing the locks when we change access arrangements.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 03/02/2019 15:24

@firestars thank you. It's interesting seeing things from every angle I suppose. Amazing the diversity of views you get.

But yes, I think there were many possible routes through this and I picked the one I thought was best and felt the most comfortable with. Others may have done different, and that's also fine for them. You can't please everyone, you have to carve out your own path.

OP posts:
SummerBambinosMum · 03/02/2019 16:16

OP, you sound like you've handled this so gracefully and I hope some kind of positive karma comes your way.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/02/2019 21:15

Well handled OP

We also were robbed , either a cleaner or the builders . Either way it’s crap

sushisuperstar · 03/02/2019 21:46

OP you are guilty of only one thing here - being too bloody nice.

There are people out there who will totally take the piss if they can. Glad it's sorted.

Treezylover · 03/02/2019 22:18

OP I just want to say you sound like such a lovely person, and I really wish more people showed as much empathy as you have- the world would be a much kinder place.

mathanxiety · 03/02/2019 23:49

I think OP’s saying she’s not going to report the cleaner to the police, but she’s not going to directly support the application. So if she’s asked for a reference etc, she will refuse, or tell the truth about the stealing. But she won’t go out of her way to ensure she gets refused a visa.

The visa thing is probably not a reference in the sense of a testament to character or reliability or good work.

It's most likely a confirmation that the individual works or worked from X date to Y date, makes/made X amount per hour.

If the OP refuses to let her name go forward as a client of the cleaner's and refuses to participate in any follow up the Home Office may undertake wrt hourly wage and how long the woman has been cleaning for her then she will in fact have worked against the visa application.

MzHz
If her son is adversely affected then that’s on her. Unlucky that you have a liar and a thief for a mother.

It would be a real pity if circumstantial evidence against a mother was a reason for a child to have to leave a country where he was possibly born.

There is a shadow of a doubt here.

diddl · 04/02/2019 09:12

"There is a shadow of a doubt here."

I thought that the cleaner had admitted it.

SingaporeSlinky · 04/02/2019 10:20

Yes I think by crying and offering to repay £20 the cleaner has all but admitted it. As a PP said, if someone accused me of stealing I’d be livid, and doing everything I could to deny it, there’s no way I’d say “here, have this £20 and a jar of honey”

Peacocking · 04/02/2019 11:11

I would give her a good reference. It's still - just a tiny bit - possible she didn't do this. Failing her residency would be world changing for her. Imagine if you found out later it was a huge mistake? Even if she did do this bad thing after years of loyal hard work, would she really deserve to lose so much? Give her a good reference.

Somethingsmellsnice · 04/02/2019 11:36

No you would need to be honest in a reference. Better to decline to give one.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 04/02/2019 11:41

I believe in this 'do not lead people into temptation'. Kids leaving notes out, when people are short must be hard. Not justifying it. I wouldn't call the police. Take the keys off her. You can confront her or you don't have to give her a reason. I wouldn't call the police on her to be honest. She'll learn and be very humiliated with learning she has been discovered..

WellBHouse · 04/02/2019 11:53

Peacocking? Give her a good reference? Seriously?? So she might next be an old couple with thousands in the house.
She’s clearly stolen the money, she wouldn’t offer money to repay it straight away. The opposite should happen and she should be reported to the police. It’s nkt just a one off, she stole money over time and from children. She knew the money was a child’s in a child’s bedroom and she stole money knowing she was stealing from a child. And then did it again. And again.

Roussette · 04/02/2019 12:04

If she didn't do it, she would be hotly denying it, not offering £20! Of course she did it.

Give her a good reference? She stole hundreds from a nice person and her kids, sod that.

MzHz · 04/02/2019 12:59

Of course she stole it! Occams Razor and all that!

Her offer of money, the lack of denial or upset or insistence of innocence...

She stole money from children.

She’s also stolen her own kid’s future.

That’s all her choice and her decision

Actions have consequences.